Opposing sexual histories
I'll try to keep this as short and as detailed as I can. I am twenty years old and have been dating my nineteen year old girlfriend for about four months. I took a vow of abstinence when I was young because I felt sex controlled peoples lives too much and I wanted to wait till I met a girl who was really special to me. I wanted my first time to be special. I met the right girl four months ago. She checks everything on the list for what I want in a girlfriend and I seem to be what she wants in a man. I found out a few hours ago that she has had sex with six men. They were all boyfriends, no one night stands, and she cared about them. I knew it would be unlikely for me to find a girl who was waiting like I was and it's unfair to judge someone by my unnecessarily strict standards. But I do have women chasing after me pretty frequently and I've always said no, is it wrong for me to think she should have? I know it is but I can't help but think that. I care about this girl more than any of my previous girlfriends to they point where I felt she was the one and we had sex about two months ago.
Even with this new information I still care about her deeply but this news is pushing me away. I don't want it to. But I can't help think of things like "if we got married she would be the only person I'll ever have/had sex with and she's had sex with seven". That's a stupid thing to obsess over since she makes me so happy. I've instilled the ideology that "you should wait for your other half" into myself so much that it's making this hard to brush off. I'm afraid that this will be all I will think about when I'm with her. Ironically by trying to prevent sex from controlling my life I've given it too much power and it now does so. Am I being too hard on her? Did I make the right call by waiting? Any advice would be very helpful,
I believe you are viewing the abstinence as an subconscious relationship towards being special to someone. You were not wrong to decide what you did. Like you said you wanted to find someone special....and that gift you give was your first time. Those moments. You also, in return, wanted the same in return, that gift of first time. Meaning you would be special to her. Since in this day and age, people are falling over the place to lose their virginity without thinking, a taboo is surrounding the topic about sex. I lost my mind when I was 25, and although I do not view sex the same way as you do (I didn't think it needed to be special ) I understand where you are coming from. Since your girl has been with other guys, you need to understand that she is with you now. I believe you are being harsh since her choice at the time was what she wanted. She couldn't tell the future. Be glad she didn't end up with a baby or still in touch with her ex boyfriends. Don't make her feel guilty for what is in the past. Channel other ways in order to feel like you are special to her. Ask her why she loves you.
I don't think you are going to be able to let go of this mind set. You even said it yourself "but this news is pushing me away."
No matter what WE think of your convictions, it seems to be really ingrained into your psyche and it makes it very difficult for any girl who has had past relationships to live up to. (Her mistake was tell you about them. She just should have smiled and said, "You are the only one for me right now." and let it go at that)
BTW - How many times is too much? How many would you tolerate? Would a virgin be the best? Are you keeping score? See, YOU will never be really satisfied.
I suggest that you find another lady who shares your mindset.
Everything in life is inherently meaningless until a living creature gives it meaning. It wasn't about the number it was about ideology. But to fix the issue I just stopped giving meaning to giving meaning to not having sex. Now I no longer care about the issue. That means that should this relationship fail I doubt I'll wait again. But that is just as irrelevant now as it should have always been. I have a girl who cares about me and that might be more than I deserve (going off of the comments I've gotten from other forums) I'll just take that stop caring about sex.