Am I depressed because I’m an alcoholic or an alcoholic because I’m depressed
I have had insomnia since I was 8 years old. I discovered the bliss of alcohol when I was 12. It allowed me to get to sleep thru the night. Then I discovered it allowed my voice to be heard. I was cripplingly shy until I drank. The person I was in my mind came out & was applauded by the people I admired. Unfortunately, this lasted until I became what everyone pushed me to be & I lost the voice I had. I was the It Girl until I went overboard & that’s when I discovered I was pushed, not celebrated.
Wow - sounds like you had a childhood sleep disorder. Too bad that was not diagnosed.
But dear - You ARE that It Girl! It just never came out until alcohol let that out. So your new challenge is to find that again - only this time, sober.
Are you going to counseling or AA? Your question "Am I depressed because I'm an alcoholic, or an alcoholic because I'm depressed?" can be explored there. Surely, we know that alcohol is a depressent, and if you are already depressed it seems to lift people up - at least for a while. You have found that out.
I admire you. You have given up what you thought was your best friend - alcohol. Only now you seem to see that it was really not your friend, but is really your demon.
Peeling down those layers that prevent you from being a sober, serene "It Girl" is ahead of you. "Courage to Change" huh?