Am I being abusive?
Am I also doing this to my husband? I wanted to know. I don't used to be like this before. When we were still boyfriends-girlfriends and on the first months of our marriage. He never gets nagged at, I always allow him when he wants to go out with workmates and friends. We were used with long distance relationship. He work at a different part of our country and I lived with my parents even when we got married because we chose that I gave birth to the town where my parents live. I'm an Asian as well. To give you a brief description of how I knew my husband. He is the shy type and doesn't say much about his work. I never complain about it. I just trust him big time because I love him.
Something happened after I gave birth to our child. I was rushed to the hospital a week after giving birth because of bleeding. I was weak for more than a month because I lost a lot of blood and did not agree of receiving another pack of blood. But I'm thankful I recovered from that. It was costly here if I'll get another one. It really happens in some Asian country. There was a month that my husband did not visit me at our home town. Four months after I gave birth, I saw a conversation between him and a workmate talks about another workmate his dating and doing some staff with. To cut this part short, we talked about it and that was just a bad joke with his friend.
Since that time I never regain my trust to my husband. He asked me to live with him and we are living together for a year already. I am also working so I can help him earn for our child. But the trust never came back and every time there is something that he never tell me, or the very last fight we had this week is when he presented me his DTR for the month of February-April 15th there were times that he is late going to work and I know that he gets to work on time because that's what he tells me and I know he goes to work right after dropping me by to where I work. I never mean to terrorize him but he never made me feel secure of the third party. I am always suspicious and he always keep things..And when you add those things together we end up fighting, up to the point that we hurt each other physically, say something offensive to each other. Never a month did we stop fighting. I love him so much! I'm always sweet to him when were okay. I am always caring even if were fighting I see to it that he eats well and eats delicious food that I prepare myself. I just need assurance that he would never cheat from me and consistent way of giving attention to me. I don't like it that he stops being sweet when he feels I'm ok with thing s around us. And when I feel unsure of things is that he makes me feel safe from getting hurt by him. Or if he is with someone already then I want him to be man enough to let me know so I can let go. I always tell him of my feelings, but he always gets angry with me about this conversation and before you knew it were fighting again.
I wanted us to be the way we used to before. But I have the feeling of him getting tired of us. I'm still stuck in between the thoughts if I can let go of him or not. I also want peace between us. But we never get things fixed to ourselves. Do you think I should go back to our town and get a space between us, or should we end our marriage? I'm pregnant now with our second child and he knew about it but still we got to a fight that we hurt each other physically. I wanted to be out of stress for the sake of my unborn baby. And I still love him and gets angry at certain things I feel his keeping things from me. I really don't know if its still ok with us to stay on the same roof.
Please tell what makes you think he is cheating on you? Being late for work does not mean he has an outside interest.
Did you and he agree that you would get pregnant? (It sounds like you have high-risk pregnancies.)
You said: "I just need assurance that he would never cheat from me and consistent way of giving attention to me."
Do you think he knows what you want/need from him? No need to nag. Just state what you need.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I'm trying to keep it cool for now to avoid arguments or get into another fight with him. As much as posible I don't want to end our marriage if its something we could still work it out. Its just that we're not able to meet halfway. I really need to breathe from all this.
There are times that there seems to be difference on how he treats me now..I find very long hair in our apartment when in fact I have short hair. Other than that I never caught him on act.
Let's say I'm being paranoid seeing those hair in our apartment, but why are there changes with his treatment.
We talked about what I need after an argument his good with it he does what we agreed with and comes a week he's back to his ways again and the things we talked about few days ago, were gone as if it never happened. It creates tension between us and me asking him question and him getting angry, add those thing and its a war between us again.
I'm so sorry that your thread got lost in the pile, MHIEL29.
Long hairs in your apartment, on a regular basis, and you have short hair? Well, that's HIGHLY suspect. In fact, if you don't have a cleaner or any other third party who regularly spends time in your apartment, I'd say you at least have proof that either a woman or a long-haired male has been visiting. Put that together with the changes in how he treats you and...
It sounds as if when you were laid up, his thoughts turned to himself and how HIS needs weren't getting met. To not visit you for an entire month is too telling. As for the bad joke: where's the punchline because *I* can't see it? I don't believe it was a joke.
I don't think you should have moved in with him if you were already feeling mistrustful, do you?
And his schedule as records missing hours speaks for itself, as well.
"Or if he is with someone already then I want him to be man enough to let me know so I can let go."
He's not. Because, romantic love aside, he's got the best of both worlds if he can get away with cheating on you yet meanwhile still keep his cushy homelife - for which he merely has to pay you fleeting lip-service and temporary fob-off behaviour improvements (in the meantime, trying to cow you into shutting-up permanently by meeting your understandable querying with hostility). And that he'd put his hands aggressively on you, whether in retaliation or not, whilst you're carrying his second child tells me, GAME OVER, this man does not love you nor the thought of his future with you, which means you're his convenient, live-in nanny, cook, cleaner, and general bottle-washer whilst he cheats or tries to cheat on the side.
I personally wouldn't bother, were I you, but you could always attach a condition on your staying in the marriage in the form of his agreeing to marital counselling.