Yes move closer to her, if you want to be there for her, but don't expect too much in the next year. Is her mother terminal? Maybe she will need your love and support in a year?
On the other hand you could have a little fun NSA for twelve months, then be ready to support her when the time is right?
If you push it then it won't be like you want it anyway. If she is worth waiting for then that's what you should do.
Sounds like you made things very easy for her to leave/forget you.
And you continue to make it very easy for her to move on, since you made little effort to show that you cared about her. YOU should have been more decisive in visiting her; YOU should have made the greater effort; YOU should have done everything possible to show her how much you cared at this most stressful time for her.
Instead, you waffled around. Now someone else has inched his way into her heart.
Somehow, I think that's going to be OK with you . . .
So what life lessons did you learn?
(Sorry, I don't have much patience with people who cry in their beer after being at the pub all day.)
As she feels like she's losing control, losing a giant anchor on her understanding of reality and the world, she needs a hero, someone to take charge of her - in a firm but calm, capable, thoughtful way - to deputise for her (think childbearing partner-stroke-waiter). At the same time, she's going to struggle against that, here and there, because if you're losing one giant attachment you are going to naturally question whether it's sensible to set yourself up for another attachment to go the same way (when it already appears iffy). Ending up grieving for TWO loves simultaneously would be too much.
Alternatively, she might feel needier than ever rather than naturally turned off a bit? Just depends on the personality and their reactivity. She'll certainly be hyper-sensitive, though. And she won't be clear-thinking enough to note your giant practical actions and their meanings over lack of decisive words and sentiments. She wants the "coochie-coochie-coo" in her earhole, not her bank statement (- yeah, I know, women are all ears and not enough eyes).
To me, it sounds also like your GF was pendulum swinging between seemingly not wanting one thing one minute only to say she did the next. Yet what I ALSO notice is that you did that typical male thing of making ASSUMPTIONS about what she needed from you rather than simply ASKING her what you would be 'fetching' her (thereby reassuring her that the fetching of the food was guaranteed despite the precise dish was yet to be picked). And you weren't giving her the room to be understandably indecisive (or slow to decide) at that point. You were taking her delays as a danger sign, and panicking, rather than taking her condition into account and accordingly making allowances. Whereas, if it had been a broken leg, you would have let her hobble along slowly and said things like, 'That's fine, take your time'. You know you would.
Further, it sounds like she was waiting for YOU to say 'if you do' in order to make her OWN mind up.
So - edit: you believe you should do 100% [can't have 110 when per cent means out of 100, soz] but find it harder to *DO* under certain mental pressure of anxiety.
So you were both being reactive with no-one taking the lead... hence eventually she did (misconcluding from reading you wrong).
When you're teammates, though, 'taking the lead' doesn't mean you make unilateral decisions. You consult/propose. But here's the difference that makes ALL the difference: "*I* am sticking with you no matter what!" (and waiting for her to echo rather than asking, 'Are you?') If you 'ask' with a confident statement you inspire confidence in your mate whereas if YOU sound unsure and reliant on her feelings to power you, that makes them unsure (because you shouldn't *need* anyone else's strength of feeling). Your own should suffice (and then infect her) - because you da man. Man melts woman's ice armour before starting on heating up her heart; he doesn't ask her, SHALL I heat you up?
She needs a replacement anchor and it needs to impress her for its sturdiness, it's capability to compete with the one she's had with mum. Her mum *never* asked her, 'Shall I love you, shall I be there for you?'. She just DID IT (keeping an ear and eye out for the response).
So it's not, 'But I neeeed you, mew-mew'. It's 'KISS me, Emily, damn you, you beautiful creature you!'. Hear the difference despite both are expressions of need? So the differentiator is, CONFIDENCE. Because you're *not* going to get needs-fed by her (or get sensible decisions out of her). This is HER hunger period...with you the happily attentive waiter. That you were mewling, 'Feed me?' was the problem that got you blocked. Or it *should* be her time to be needy. You can't *both* play customer, one has to be the waiter. So if you're not capable, if you really are as hungry as she is, then you have to put it down to bad timing (Right Person (check!), Right Place (not quite), Right Time (no).) So I agree with DIDG8BAR's advice to indeed move nearer but temper your expectations just in case you have a long wait until she's ready to be flirty and frolicky again.
However, do you and should you really need other people to help make up your mind? Shouldn't you be so smitten that your 'inner board of directors' were all voting unanimously as wouldn't need outside voters? Also, shouldn't the look, feel, smell of other women just feel wrong-wrong-WRONG as would put you off? What I mean is, are you even capable of 'making her kiss you, damn her!' or are your own troubles still putting the dampener on your level of ardour?
You SURE-sure-sure she's not at this stage just your bestest bud or sister figure in the world?
*Why* shouldn't you call her?
PS: You won't get very far becoming a dad one day if your patience muscle is puny, will you. Practise makes perfect. Maybe that's why life contrived side-events so as to act as your set of dumbells?
So am I to assume that that's just an over-informal dialect of yours or that you're rattled right now and talking with your ego. Which?
Do you want to apologise to her, like the gentleman I'm sure you normally are, so that we can resume discussing your dilemma?
So...back to your ex-not-ex:
Why don't you do what I call The Final Insult test? Rather than waiting to the whole hog in relocating there, possibly for no reason as might leave you regretting having upped sticks and wishing you could come back or move again elsewhere, you instead just take a weekend trip there and "Richard Gere" her (ref final scene in Pretty Woman)? I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way (albeit, that would be the main intention). It could be in a Friends way ("I'll be there fo-or you-ooou"). It would be up to you to on-the-spot decide based on gauging her reaction.
If your efforts back when you were still together were indeed a bit wishy-washy or back-and-forth ambivalent as had her conclusion what Susie and I initially concluded, then this definite, concerted action would put paid to all of that in one fell swoop, wouldn't it. Plus, ideally, you should always visit an area first to see if the whole vibe and atmosphere suits you. I mean, if you moved there and the place depressed the pants off of you, that would impede your re-wooing efforts greatly, wouldn't it, because you'd come across like a wet weekend (which obviously was the whole problem, originally).
I call it The Final Insult because, if - repeat IF - you were to get a negative, uncooperative response, possibly even more so than you'd have ever expected, it'll set you free right there and then (I guarantee it). And if you don't, if she still has the love and romantic feelings towards you inside her, she'll damn well pounce gratefully on that ultimate proof and into your arms... whether or *not* she's been busy trying to replace you (hence, possibly, asking you to look her up again in a year).
The advice on that score is this: to get back your ex, and considering the fact that she's shunted your relationship back to Square One, you have to behave accordingly, which means all-round-behaving exactly like you did in the very first chase and wooing and initial Honeymoon stages in order to remind her of all the things it was about you that she was so impressed by and fell in love with. That way, the only possible logical conclusion is this: 'Oh, THIS must be the real him, the default!', meaning, how you became was *not* you revealing a true, wet-weekend self once you felt your feet were safely under the table, but just a temporary and unacharacteristic blip due to inordinately cloudy and rainy weather at the time. Sense?
Although it wasn't acceptable public behaviour, I imagine all the women reading this MUCH preferred that "URRRR!" response, that passion, despite the name-calling bit, that Susie flicked out of you.
Get it? I mean, who wants a man who feels this about her: "Mmmyeaah, I suppose,...I dunno, really...yeah, alright, then, if you like?" (YAWN)
FIGHT for her. Like your life depends on it.
("Crying in your beer" is an expression, not a literal encouragement for you to drink.0
This is fairly typical, hence why the saying about how when you go through a trauma you find out who your true (i.e. lasting) friends are. Life-lasting friendships tend to be those that connect via core moral values and settings, whereby no amount of change in circumstance (save for too great a geographical distance) can cast them asunder.
It also explains nicely why you're displaying two sets of needs (Lovership + Friendship) regarding wanting to go to your ex-not-ex (or at least with regards to her being a future safety net if, in a year's time, you still haven't managed to improve your circle of friendships).
You need to put paid to the latter (join a leisure-pursuit group/club, possibly in one of the surrounding towns or villages) in order to see for yourself what depth of drive you're then left with when it comes to the former front... left foot before right foot. Otherwise, your 'friendship' foot (left) won't want to go anywhere, let alone that far in her general direction, despite your 'lover' foot will...which will result in you going nowhere but round and round in circles (picture it and you'll see it).
Have you looked online for Pool teams in or just outside of your area?
Man I have to say though soulmate you good at what you do. You put some perspective on my situation I couldn't possibly see in my current state. So thanks again for throwing some words my way. I'll keep moving forward one day at a time and let things go with the flow until I'm in a position to take action, like moving or if she happens to contact me. Which I may be back here for some more insite if you wouldn't mind, but that could be a long time so keep an eye out for future broktune posts lol
Obviously, the clash of drives wouldn't produce something that obvious. But the internal competition raging inside you would definitely affect your wooing powers and leave her confused (again).
Also, the addition or replacement of friends will do wonders for your confidence ("URRR!") thus your all-round attractiveness.
Fairenoughski re the location for its own sake since that'll happen before your ascend her drainpipe (oy-oy!).
Course you can come back! I'd only ask that when you do, you pick this thread back up rather than starting a new one?
As for your compliment: cheers and PHEW! - something I can do! Because tonight, techie duh-brain that I am, the bulb to my favourite tablelamp broke at the stem, meaning, the glass part came away in my hand whilst the metal bit ("thingy") stayed still firmly screwed in, and since I can't get a purchase on it, because its flush with the fitting thingy, I haven't a CLUE how to remove it (and husband doesn't come back until mid next week). Don't suppose you could tell me, could you (pretty-please)? [insert embarrassed grin]
Talking of cheers: Three for your good buddy! That's the ticket...onwards and upwards!
Keep us posted as and when, then. "Good luck, Sah (he's going over)!"
Oh, trust me BIG TIME on this: if she still has feelings for you and has secretly been harbouring hope of her own and you HADN'T remembered her birthday, you'd be in big trouble. BIIIIG trouble!!! Plus, there is always that act done in merely the spirit of love in memoriam, despite the fact that you your having been ringing rather than sending a card through the post will, if she's observant and analytical enough, smack a little of you using her birthday as a semi-excuse to get to hear her voice and re-start up contact. Nothing wrong with opportunism though, that's another impressive male quality.
In fact, that "Hey!" in combo with the fact she must have picked up too soon for v/mail to kick in sounds distinctly like excitement + relief to me. And furthermore, either your number must still be listed under your name or she still remembers your number off-by-heart. So that's all very encouraging.
Whatever/whichever... your call still represented a firm commitment on your part. GOOD! And she doesn't even HAVE to be still keen. She just has to still fancy you. You own keenness (again, if done self-confidently) will infect her (because that's how it works, or, should I say, USED to work when we had the time to let nature and our unfettered instincts dictate the process).
Not so sure about the "Hello ...aaaand Goodbye" aspect of it, rather than you having, say, asked her if she'd got any really nice pressies (albeit I realise you were too shocked to think that hard and fast on your feet)....Bit of a grey area that one... you could say it left her wanting more (which is always a good tack to take with the woman who likes a challenge) OR you could say it was just the right amount for breaking the ice so that you can follow it up with another call (wherein the first thing you do is apologise for having had to hit and run that last time (this) because you were at work or whatever at the time).
But note the difference between what I'm saying and what you're saying: you think the onus is now on HER to take up the chase, in some sort of Tit For Tat or playground Kiss-Chase fashion. Er, no. No, no, no. You da man, you da hunter-chaser; she's given you an encouraging response; you now act on that with your follow-on chase. If, on the other hand, you leave it until she cracks and rings you because she can't take the 'not knowing' and frustration, although she probably WILL chase you up, her psyche will feel mightily resentful that she even had to. Don't make her go there, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (and humiliated).
7th was Thursday. You now call again before the week is up (tomorrow would be good). I repeat, you grant yourself free license by ensuring that one of the very first things you mention is that you're sorry you couldn't actually talk last time, the inference being, you sensed she wanted to and now you can. You then show her you're now a man who finishes what he started. If you get ANOTHER good reception, there is your license to ring her again but leaving even LESS of an intermission (e.g. 3 nights later). In this incrementing way you'll train her into wanting to ensure every reception to each and every phonecall is positive and encouraging. You become a vending machine: put coin in, out pops choccie bar. No coin, no choccie bar. Once she gets bored of plain chocolate, that's when she'll increase the coinage.....and so on and so forth until the phone calls become family sized bars (actual Phone Dates).
Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey, is the operative phrase. However, if you can see she wants to up the pace, you do.
Warning: do not tell her right from the word go that you're one month away from moving to her stomping ground. Wait until you can tell she's ready to hear it.
All in all, though - 8 out of 10!
Okay, if she was the one who said she had to go, we have a different light on it. But GIVEN that she recognised your number so said, Hey!, etc., then all this new light shows is that she still doesn't know WHAT she wants.
'I want no more contact from you ever again' is as 'I want no more contact from you ever again' *does*...which is, DOESN'T close Avenue 1, 2 and 3 but not 4 (work). If you blockade ALL avenues then no-one even HAS to do any insisting, think about it.
And I'm fruit-loopy over my (new) boyfiend is as does, as well,...which is, DOESN'T describe him in such unflattering terms of 'pretty boy with huge ego'. All that says is, 'He's great when it comes to fancying/sh*gging but other than that he's a d*ckhead'.
All in all, it sounds to me like she wants just one or two relationship perks without the actual relationship bit. She's just using him to keep her libido quiet. And - the fact she's keeping one avenue open - she's popped you on the back-burner.
She's either 'not her' lately or this whole mum situation (and the life-crisis it's triggered) has reduced to her truer colours. Probably the former or by this point you'd have started to lost the Rose-tinteds and say, 'Ugh, no thanks!'. But she's definitely still not ready to do a relationship with anyone, that much is obvious.
I think once you've changed your situation and location you'll start to care that bit less, back to a manageable and largely ignorable degree, which is just as well if she's going to be taking such a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time to get her sh*t together and start to miss the good times with you. In other words, Temporarily New Her doesn't miss you. Old Her would. But Old Her has f**ked off somewhere else inaccessible - to you and to her.
I agree that if she was the one who said she had to end the call and failed to invite you to ring her another time or failed to provide any cue for YOU to suggest it, then, the onus is indeed on her to be the one to ring back... which depends on quickness of said seed...
Psych fact: to please someone (or this case, preserve and build on the love someone has for you), you don't have to actually succeed in achieving whatever it is the other person needs you to achieve, they just have to witness you making *a genuine endeavour*. Obviously, the more you bust a gut trying, the more genuinely loved (and compensated) the person will feel as a result.
If the woman ever truly loved you, then regardless of all the negative, stressy nonsense towards the end, it will not take as long as MONTHS for the good memories to reclaim their place at the front of the emotions queue and for that seed of intrigue and expectation (as well as reminding) to work its magic. That letter is a superb idea (well done!) for the effort it represents in comparison to today's 'zero/low-effort' phonecall, text or email, but I would not wait months to send it or you'll be letting slide the momentum you've just instigated. I would give it 2 weeks. Your mission is to, within reasonable (and legal!) bounds, keep nudging her bit by tiny bit (drip-drip-drip). But doing so in POSITIVE ways that she finds flattering and pleasurable.
Indeed, I'm sure she COULDN'T cope with difficulties going on in her relationship whilst she was already stressed and anxious about her mother's deteriorating health. Hence she replaced her 'supplier' (with a mere fanciable bimbo) where concerned those strictly crucial needs. I imagine he'd have been designed to enable her to wean herself off you/your relationship, but, yes, as I've said and you agree: actions - failing to block that last avenue of approach - speak loudest. Or last TWO, should we say, considering you obviously have an address to send that letter via. So that's an even bigger contradiction to what she purported to want, isn't it.
No, I wouldn't give you any ideas as such; this has to be from YOUR heart. But by all means type your draft letter here for myself or any ladies here present (preferably of her same agegroup and/or experience) to constructively criticise and offer suggestions over in terms of improvement. Saying that, the one thing you mustn't forget to do in it is to ask after her mum. Plus, I wouldn't try to make it short or sweet or ANYTHING. Just let it naturally write itself (if you know what I mean).
No, I don't think it would be a good idea to call her now, given that it's her work number. A letter is far more impressive PLUS shows that your radar is attuned to her every signal - this case, the fact that she couldn't or didn't want to get into an actual conversation while at her desk.
Similarly, that letter has to be 99% All About Her. This is a re-wooing exercise, not a self sales one. And think INTRIGUE. Example, don't specify where you've moved, just state that you've "had to" move a lot closer to her location. The more mysteries your letter contains, the greater her urge will be to solve them, i.e. have to reach out and speak to you IN ORDER TO FIND OUT.
Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey...
Re your second post: You're BEEN leaving it be and that hasn't been getting you anywhere, so that puts paid to that daft question of yours. ;-p Cease listening to the blah-blahs and continue concentrating on the loud-and-clear, most weighty ACTIONS. By the same token: "Why wouldn't she just call and find out?" Easy answer: resentment ("Not my job to, mleugh!")... and that's precisely what your letter or letterZ are going to be designed to melt.
If an approach via a string or even the first of lovely letters even COULD make things worse then you would have your answer. This about whatever's there being encouraged to a head. But slowly and gently. If this isn't your style at all, normally, then my answer to that would be GOOD! Get it? New & Improved You.
Here - would you like to see an email from my 3-year persistent ex and why his tactics failed to work on me? ("Yes, please!") Good answer, and here you are, a prime example:
"Having some trouble not thinking about you and how you are. I don't quite know how to put into words what I want to say or how I feel, you always did that much betterfor me. Just know that I miss you. If you don't reply I understand. "
My persevering thoughts on reading it: 'Effing coward. Effing mentally lazy tw*t [re the fact he couldn't even be b*ggered to double-check and notice it needed a space between 'better' and 'for', plus the fact he was basically saying he wanted me to do his thoughts-articulating FOR him]...'I, I, I, Me, Me, Me...So what's changed, then? Effing NOTHING!'
I didn't respond. Not a peep.
(Does that help?)
One if the reasons I ended up being in a relationship with her was persistances. Back then though I had my own wheels, decent job, and my own place. I was alot more confident...which is most likely what I'm missing nowadays. I'm climbing back up on that horse though.
The letter I was waiting to send off until I moved to my new place, it would have a return address to show that I have infact moved. Otherwise I'm not sure she would believe I infact moved from this town. Either way I'm glad I'm making this move. Its gonna help me get things I need in life again and ultimately I'll feel more confident about my situation. I would like to share my letter and have the people of the webs criticize it, which honestly would be a difficult thing for me to do. You would have never found me a year ago on her talking to random strangers but I'm opening my mind and trying new things lol. So I'll have to write it up and get it the way I want and then share. If she opens the door again and starts talking I really just don't wanna piss it away again. Need to remain patient and confident.
But I'm over-the-moon he didn't (and that a TRUE epiphany is as true epiphany *does*) because not long after was when I bumped into Mr Soulmate with whom I've been far-far-FAR happier on all levels (and then some!) than I latterly realised I ever could have been with exipoo-poos. He simply wasn't man enough, meaning those cowardly approaches were just yet more symptomatic proof of such, berbom. He was trying to provoke *me* into being the one to pick up the phone or call round (pff, no chance!).
Now then, when Mr Soulmate and I *thought* (on the back of our first humdinger of a fight in the early pairbonding stages) we were over, I got to see a direct comparison between a person who merely *thinks* he wants you and a person who literally can't live without you after having known life with you. He all-round made ex look like a silly little boy who didn't have a clue what a relationship was about or for. I certainly would never EVER - not even during a clash - have described Mr SM as anything remotely like, 'pretty boy with a huge ego' (do WHAT-AH?!). A statement like that counts as an action, one that's geared (perhaps subconsciously, perhaps not) to flashing you an opening but with a time-release mechanism attached. It says, later, quite possibly, yes, not right now. For all you know, she could have been using being at work as an excuse to cover for the fact she was thoroughly fazed and unready to deal with it/you yet. Now she'll be braced.
And you're bang-on regarding persistence being key, despite there's a fine line between flattering and feeling stalked...or is when the woman herself veers on the side of Don't Want. Otherwise, there is nothing offputting about being chased to uggery by a man you *do* want yet felt didn't want you as much as he could and should have (according to his mere verbal claims and protestations) back when he had his first chance. It's impressive and inspiring, ETCETERA. It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it, and that's what gets results (- Fun Boy Three featuring Bananarama).
If you want to infuse yourself with greater confidence as a bona fide short cut then the very best attitude to take is that this expedition is going to enable you to find out once and for all where you stand thus where you're next headed. If it's not with her then you'll have become liberated, with that sign telling you there is someone EVEN BETTER waiting in the wings [insert sound of champagne cork popping]. And if it *is* with her, [insert sound of champagne cork popping]. So this actually is a win/win exercise.
Where would it have a return address? Are you saying you'd WRITE one on the header or are we talking, 'Whoops, forgot NOT to add final seal to the envelope with self-addressed sticker like I do all letters'?
I am now picking my nose and flicking it into the ashtray. "I would like to share my letter and have the people of the webs criticize it, which honestly would be a difficult thing for me to do." Not now it won't, heh-heh-heh-heh (and, LOOK, MUM - NO HANDS!!!).
PS: I'm not random, I'm highly logically organised, methodical and exceptionally plugged in. ;-p But in all seriousness - welcome to the next best parallel to the world of the BLIND. Isn't it funny the immense freedom not being able to see gives you.
Ok, there is my letter in a rough draft form. I'm not to strong at writing and just came up with all this without looking for help yet. I tried to focus on her and less on how I feel about her, she knows how I feel...at least she has heard it a bunch lately so without me being able to take direct actions I dunno if I should talk about how much I miss her or how much I still want her, but I'm not a woman and they are confusing lol.
I'm not to happy with my letter though....for me it feels like it's lacking something. Maybe not enough about her? Maybe too many questions? Shoot, I just wanna make a good letter to send to her and not some cry baby plea letter. Maybe I should take more time to think about it before I try and rewrite it. Lol I have a bad habit of overthinking everything.
Well don't be too harsh on me guys, I'm only human over here thanks for any info ahead of time.
Hang tough and I'll explain and demonstrate tomorrow (t'is very late here).
I did get a phone call a min ago from the same area code as the ex and my heart stopped as I frantically tried to answer. Pretty sure it's wasn't her though, call went dead after that and then I tried calling back to only get a busy signal. Damn, thought I was getting lucky for a min.
But what's this, stop-press STOP-PRESS? A phone call with the exact same area code as ex-not-ex? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES! Plus the fact that the call got cut just adds MORE weight (last-minute loss of bottle on her part plus an attempt to avoid the scary ol' answer-machine/service).
No, you ARE getting lucky. You just daren't believe it. But what effect did you THINK you calling her out of the blue like that would have? None? Come, now, let's be realistic, shall we?
I'm going to hold off on helping you with your letter because it may not, now, be needed. What was that about growing patience? (Tick-tock, tick-tock...)
By the way, what time was it you rang her initially?
Given that she's about to enter your 'shop', NOW is the time to start selling yourself (subtly), in which case, do not DO NOT answer your phone between the hours of 7pm and 10.30pm if you see that same code displayed tomorrow night. You are a popular, busy chappie, one that is never at a loose end on a Saturday night (lovers/mates big night out)....everbody wants you, hurry-hurry, whilst stocks last... If she catches you on the cusp of 7pm, tell her you'd LOVE to talk to her but have somewhere to be and are going to be late if you don't get a wriggle on, could you (*you*, note) ring her back Sunday some time ("What's the best sort of time")?
I'm not saying she'll definitely call back or do so tomorrow, but I certainly wouldn't fall off my chair if she did so... fore-warned is fore-armed and all that.
Be VAGUE if she asks you if you're seeing anyone. Try, 'Hmmm, no-one special,...you know'. Be equally as evasive (but subtly so) if she asks what you're up to beyond your career ("Oh, this and that, you know"). Make her work to squeeze juice out of you because the more work she puts in (Investment Principle - go google), the more determined she'll be to get pay-out.
The last time I called her I wanna say it was around lunch time maybe a little before that. Say between 10a.m. And noon. I haven't tried calling her back sense then either.
I still think I should write that letter but I'll wait a little sense you seem to think is not necessary. I hope your right, haha.
Just because I seem to be a quick learner doesn't mean it's easy to put in application. If I had acted the way I KNEW I shoulda acted in the beginning this situation would be entirely different. So live an learn how to control your impulses and I'm a pretty impulsive person. Spent my savings on this woman last trip and got crap to show for it. My own fault though.
Just been thinking about how I been put on the back burner by this woman and been asking myself lately is it really worth it. I tried to make things work. I may have been unsure at the time but she knows how I feel, maybe not how I wanna be because I was a cry baby but dammit...I don't think I really did anything I need to crawl back to her begging for forgiveness. We both hurt each other and if I gotta swallow my pride and apologize I will but if the same gesture of maturity isn't returned then maybe this isn't meant to be. Another week or so maybe I'll call her back. Lol thanks for all the insight on things though. Really helped me sort out make some sense of stuff.
There's no denying the same area code, nor the compelling timing in terms of the call coming on the back of yours, and IMO there're no such things as coincidences. Plus where there's a will there's a way. So all in all, it seems far more unlikely for you to have been picked as a potential cruise customer than the recipient of her attempted callback.
You've obviously convinced yourself it IS a coincidence, though, which is making you feel despondent and like giving up. It'll pass. Taking control and ringing her back soon is absolutely fine (as I said previously). As a man you're 'allowed' to be go-getting. In fact, it's damn well expected.
Helping you to make sense of stuff is the foremost point of this forum, so you're welcome.
Ok then let's say it was her...it was a call place at 10a.m. So obviously it wasn't a drunk dial. That's good, now that was Thursday....should I dial her back or just chill on this for a min?
The more I think about it, it does seem more likely a call from her. I answered though and there was nothing there line just dropped.
Now I pushed a bit more so let's see what happens if anything. Will keep you peeps posted.
This isn't a case of Do Or Die, though. So whether you let her muster the courage a second time (but take control yourself from there) or take the bull by the horns and pip her to the post is simply a matter of between adequate (productive but leaves a little resentment to be dealt with later for her having had to be the one to do any chasing) or polished (productive and zero later resentment).
Just avoid actual resentment/bruising her ego like the plague. Websites that purport to get your ex back conveniently fail to hold themselves financially or ethically responsible for what happens x weeks or months AFTER the initial make-up. All they guarantee is the initial reunion - via the MacMethod of hooking the ex by the ego instead of the heart. Such methodology creates later humiliation and resentment that can - once things settle back onto a more even keel - lead to you and she breaking up all over again. The resentment that got put on the back-burner whilst the compelling challenge demanded conquering, using nothing but honey, comes swiftly back to the fore once the honey is no longer needed. But I'm talking far greater reasons for resentment than just this one 'who called who back' issue. I'm talking, going as far as reeling her back in exclusively by activating her sense of jealousy, female-female competitiveness, subtle insults that she can't resist engaging in in order to put you straight and cancel out, or constantly provoking her to do all the chasing through leaving tantalising little hints and cues, etc.
In application, if once the 'crisis' is over the woman looks back and thinks you and she might not be back together in the first place were it not for her having given you so many leg-ups or having risen to all the bait, this then leads to the thought that the real reason you're an item again is down to her and not you, meaning, there ensues her acting up in order to force you to finally prove how much you DO want her (which is what leads to the second break-up). So chase her as much (within reason) as you like. All that distinguishes, anyway, between an uber-romantic that she couldn't possibly give up the chance to be with and a creep/pest is simply whether the woman still has feelings for you or not, berbom. If not, who CARES what she thinks (again, within reason) when you're never going to see or speak to her again?
He who dares, wins. Plus you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
In short, you're doing the right thing. And remember this: a good salesman never accepts the first, second and third No; only the fourth is enough to convince him to cease. And this: 'flattery gets you everywhere' (- despite they forgot to add, 'tempered and sincere').
Woo the socks off her! If you managed it before you can do it again. Better yet, THIS time round you already know what works and what doesn't, don't you?
What's a fair amount of time between each attempt at being persistant or checking back on her. I called her for her bday and then it was about 2 weeks sense then that I called her back about the number.
Another point though...I'm still blocked on my cell phone and fb. I unless I have a reason to call her it might just be taken as "creeper" status. Damn there is a fine line you gotta walk to avoid not trying and CREEPER!
Why does it always seem like a game when it comes to dating and relationships? Can't people just be damn real and know what they want?
You seem to have your stuff straight...why don't I give you the ex's number and you get the lowdown maybe straighten her out a bit. Haha, if it was only that easy.
Damn am I just utterly stupid....I love a women who was running far ass away. She is gone forever. Never to touch her face again or kiss her lips. Never to have a wonderful conversation about nothing and laugh at each other the whole time. Sorry guys I'm loosing it g2g. Thanks for all the advice even though it didn't pan out. :'(
I *am* that soldier myself so I know what I'm talking about.
Usually what happens after here is the so-called "I'm so moved on" ex tries YOU...but months down the line... at which point you'll have only recently bumped into your Ms Right, meaning, it's then you who has to tell HER thanks-but-no-thanks. Go read Vildar's thread and you'll see what I mean. An actual exemplar, he is.
The fact that they tell you no but then come round and change their mind only to be met with their own no, is a glaring sign shoved in your face by Fate about what the entire underlying problem of this relationship was: BAD TIMING! It's got-got-GOT to be Right Person, Right Place, Right TIME as WELL as there being A1 chemistry and similar/compatible family rearing styles. So Fate clearly has someone else, someone much better in mind lined up for you and who you are as an individiaul and how you tick. Even her previously-called faults will be what you find bonuses (and vice versa) rather than obstacles and annoyances.
Mr Soulmate's entire pattern of life events mirrors my own too closely to be just a coincidence. Even when we met we were in perfect synch, including same type of ex ended the same month of the same year with the EXACT same nature of prior relationship pattern of problems and events. So similar were they and how they behaved towards us that entire time that we gave them the same nickname prefixed by Mr or Ms. TOO SHPOOKAYYY!
No such thing as shpookay, though. 'Coincidence' is just another word for: "I haven't got a clue and can't possibly sit here trying to work it all out" (whereas you can, actually). We really do believe we were made for each other and then sent on a 'circuit board' route trajectory that ended up with us bumping into each other (not even in either of our native countries at the time!) being perfectly personality and experientially matched, including that magic timing of where we were each at in our lives as made us ripe and ready for The Big One.
Don't feel destroyed because you're actually being built up - by one last lesson-laden experience to take you to optimum all-round ripeness. Exipoopoos was your final proving ground, that relationship showing you what mistakes never to repeat and what mistakes each of you made that are fogivable/fixable, and so on. Practise makes perfect after all, eh.
If, you see, you'd HAD A1 chemistry with exipoos then no WAY would you have delayed re-chasing her. That simple. Next time (when you have an argument you think have destroyed things but haven't), you'll see what I'm talking about. And it's the same reason why my exipoo up there failed to chase impressively enough. Wasn't meant to be and he could deeper down feel it and so his actions reflected it.
And now - no doubt in the nick of time - YOU'RE FREE. The 'invisible Attachment root system' will start to quickly lose its grip from 'in' her and come back to you, ready and available to take root into someone else, someone new. And your vibe will say so, will clearly reek of "I'M READY!" (as will hers) when you, too, bump into Ms BROKTUNE. Again, just consult Vildar's thread to see how it works and to see how this is not any end but a beginning, the start of a whole new and lasting HAPPY phase.
Some of my friends even would go as far to say I became obsessive and creepy this last time. I never saw that...I'm not one to blow someone's phone up cause they don't answer. I didn't jump in my car and drive 5hrs to go look in her window. I didn't stalk her and I'm not sure I understand what these guys are talking about. Some would say that I scared her and probably creeped her out to the point of fearing her safety. I guess I dropped it just at the best time. Haha...for real though I would never purposely do that to a female. Just don't keep feeding the emotions if you really don't want crap to do with me.
I still feel your right too about her circling back around. At which point I'm sure it will be a "sorry, I moved on" and I may laugh inside. The timing in dating is hard to determine. I mean you feel right connected with someone how are you gonna determine to yourself this is the perfect timing. It is definitely liberating to have finally come to this point. I have already noticed my change in attitude. I may even have a date that was crazy fast...how that happen? Ha plus this may be way shallow but first things first I'm not looking for long term atm. Just gonna enjoy company of dates. This one happens to be loaded and offering to be the "man" of the date and pay for it. Hmm lucky cause I just lost my card with all my money on it and will be flat broke for 2 weeks.
I'm glad that your story is of success and you guys sound pretty right all around. Congrats on your find, don't let go! Lol I'm rather sad now though that I won't have a reason to poke around on this forum anymore. Maybe I'll return when that day comes about where she may (not so confident this day will come anymore) decide to drop me a line and give you the short story.
PRECISELY! Only they don't KNOW they don't want it and, equally, neither do they know they DO want it. Two minds. It does what it says. So you were, to all intents and purposes, dating TWO women...trapped in one body and arguing constantly (like Tweedledee and Tweedledum - which state of mind/temporary madness, amongst myriad known others, FYI, is precisely what Lewis Carroll was trying to convey via those particular 'two' characters, in Alice In Wonderland).
Right Person (check!), Right Place (check!), *Wrong Time* (of your lives). But those are a package deal, meaning, if one of the trio is out then the whole caboodle is out and it becomes a case of WRONG PERSON. Understand?
Sounds like your friends couldn't find the right word or term to describe you back when. But, certainly, that 'don't keep feeding the emotions' statement demonstrates how the *effect* of her two-mindedness was, your being frequently emotionally manipulated... which is enough to send anyone out of character. My own friends (since childhood) expressed it with, 'You're not your normal, positive, bouncy self any more'. How very telling when the ex was the epitome of a wet weekend...*tres* negative (whinge-whinge-moan-moan). I liken it to his having had a streaming cold, having multiply sneezed germs on me until I caught his affliction (or started to). Them telling me that was when it hit me full force what an emotional vampire he was (in context of he and I at least) and I dumped him for good.
I could say the exact same as you do about my own ex. Same problem as yours in terms of 'come here/go away again/yes/no/don't know' (and repeat). Was the same with ex-husband, albeit more extreme. But we can't really complain because we *chose* the buggers, did we not. So WHY did we? The answer usually lies in what results subsequent to that relationship. Me, I think I was trying to kick my dislike of commitment ("Ugh!"), as in having to live day-in-day-out in the same house with someone, out of my system... to force-feed myself enough sh*t to take the collective level I'd racked up during my entire dating career to that critical quantum called ENOUGH. Only if you've had enough sh*t to last you a lifetime do you face the truth - that relationships are All or (literally) Nothing - and make a proper commitment to yourself over what exactly you want on the long-term grand scale as well as contained within all the little interpersonal details.
So let's examine YOUR result. As far as I can glean, you ended up having the proper motivation to want to better yourself, including/culminating in locationally. Look at the developments: you're basically about to re-invent yourself - via a totally new area as will mean new job, new social circle, etc. It's a fact that when we take a holiday far from our home territory it gives us the sense of immense freedom to briefly 'reinvent' ourselves. Relocating has the same (but lasting) effect. So we COULD say that one part of your mind wanted you to traverse a bridge, using this woman as your means (or 'vehicle'), and that you could subconsciously sense via your initial scanning/reading of her entire vibe that she/this element of her would be perfect for the self-makeover job that would ultimately result. Sense? See it?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... "I have already noticed my change in attitude. I may even have a date that was crazy fast...how that happen?" Answer: LIBERATION/RELEASE. You were the ripening one, not her, despite that due to her you had an invisible 'engaged' sign above your head. So now your ripeness gets added to your mental and actual availability PLUS READINESS (to do the real thing) = potently attractive vibe (or the dominant portion of it anyway, the other segments including your liking and being happy and confident with yourself). I did say that was how it tended to go and that the same very sudden turnaround happened with Vildar (and myself and so many others).
Thereafter, yes, she may well circle back. Tweedledum said a firm No when evidently (pouncing on your call followed by the covert callback attempt) Tweedledee categorically disagreed. ONE of that duo are going to eventually win the battle...so in fact, it's truer to say that she'll circle back *if Tweedledee is the conqueror*. If not, you'll know Tweedledum did. *However*, most recently only Tweedledee was the one whose agenda went as far as producing ACTION whereas Tweedledum merely flapped 'his' mouth around. Again - sense?
You THINK you'll laugh when she does and you turn her down. But only if that happened NOW...which it won't. So by the time that opportunity comes around, you'll say it without feeling a THING either way.
"Ha this may be way shallow but first things first I'm not looking for long term atm."
'Hah' back, plus 'That's what YOU think!'. But that's the difference that makes ALL the difference when you finally meet your right person: long term looks for (and finds) *you*.
Re swapping gender-based roles: do now read Vildar's thread for advice on that score. And - tip: it costs *nothing* to hand-pick her a bunch of wild flowers....yet it earns you MUCHO!
Cheers for the sentiment, by the way. 'We guys' are past all the known and traditional trouble spots yet still so fruit-loopy about each other (increasingly, actually) that some friends have reacted by trying to buck up their own relationships whilst others have started to give us a wide berth because we make them/theirs look bad yet can't be arsed to put the work in. Everybody is somebody's catalyst, eh.
Absolutely - feel free to pick up this thread whenever there's anything new to report! It's especially helpful if other people can get to see another person's entire journey up the Recovery path and onto the True Relationship path rather than the forum norm of glimpsing just one particular leg of it. In the meantime, though - now that you've started on your way to feeling better and better - why not earn yourself what I call Karma Kredits for future cashing-in ("luck") by sharing your new-found enlightenment here with others who are further back on your path?
Anyway - sincerely - you've been a dream. Not only that but you also apologise with true polish (- that's "pollish", by the way, not 'Poe-lish', LOL), which is an art that, sadly, not that many males possess...a sign of emotional maturity. So as far as I can see, there's now't wrong with you that hasn't just 2 days ago dropped off your back.
My close cousins and uncle I been living with have been hounding me to go get a piece of *** as they say. I'm damn tired of hearing too. We go out I wanna enjoy a drink with people I like hanging out with and most of the time is good times. Just lately they seem more obsessed with me having random sex than I. I constantly have to tell them to just shut up or leave them at the bar. Not that I closed myself off (I think) I wouldn't turn down a woman I fancy from hanging out or doing whatever. Just not damn interested in much lately and like I said I lost motivation to be the "man" and pursue even a one night stand. I do very much miss having that companionship of a woman who you can share everything with, I just at a mental block I think. Is there such a thing as dating block compared to writers block? Haha just confused....I'll most likely be taking this summer to work and save money, so maybe I'll just focus on that and less on women. I'm concerned though that I'll not have had anyone sense my ex and say in 6 months...a year whatever time frame. I'm concerned the ex will come back around as they sometimes do and I will snap back into something out of loneliness or "hoping" for a future with that love. Haha, 3 weeks or so and my big move and hopefully a change in my state of mind.
No, no, you have to attract and pick her yourself in order to know your mindset + chemistry did all the 'interviewing and checking' for you. And that answers your worry about what you're looking for: your inner animal knows *precisely* and will do its usual thang. And in fact the least conscious interference from you, the better on that score. Trust me/it. But you're right, it's too early days after that 'bashing' you've just finished enduring. Your 'receptors' will still be overly numb, meaning, even if your idea of the hottest babe in town walked in, you'd feel either too little or outright zero.
Look, you wouldn't be entering The London Marathon nor expecting to get all excited about it were you still in the recovery stages (albeit end ones) of a broken leg, would you? Same rule applies no matter that this is the psychological version. You still have a slight weakness and limp. You'll know when your 'leg' is back to normal strength because by then not only will your eyes suddenly be noticing all these pretty women everywhere but so will your trousers, LOL.
For now, therefore, cease being so impatient with/hard on yourself and view your online activities as just good flirting and socialising practise and a fun way to divert yourself so that said leg can meantime be finishing its healing in its own sweet time.
Your cousins and their dad are obviously the type for whom 'getting over her by getting on top of someone else' works, and think it therefore must work for everyone. Well, you're obviously different in that respect. Plus, as you say, you have something more pressing demanding your energies, PARTICULARLY as that relocating will, I reckon, prove the perfect conditions for bumping into Ms Broktune. So where your uncle and cousins need a reminder of there still being a future beyond their own exes at the time in the form of a new woman/conquest - you don't. Because you already KNOW there's a future and what it looks like. Capiche?
One doesn't necessarily need to have a bird in the hand, per se, to ignore the ex in the bush. That's just an artificial aid for those who are at the time or naturally weaker willed and have nothing else yet going for them. The move itself will be an aid, AND a bigger, better one.
Are you all packed?
In regards to ex my fear is that she come back with her spells and I'm pretty weaker willed and may open communications with her again. Right now the words "I moved on" echo in my head so if she was to say call me today and say she wanted to come visit. My first response would be not interested moved on. What if I feel differently at that time? What if I talk myself into another episode with this ex? Haha I guess trying to see the future and I should stop worrying about it so dang much. Goal one get back on top of my own life.
I love my cousins but they are the typical get under another types. Why my uncle was insisting that I sleep with his current gf because he was sick of her and he wanted me to "take one for the team" of course I did not do this. I did however end up in the middle some drama because she stormed out on him not to long ago. He saw this as his chance to ignore her. She began to hit me up on fb, which I tried telling her to just move on and it wasn't worth her time. She insisted that I had reasons to be saying this to her which she was right. I however tried to be the helping voice and not the he said this and blah blah. Eventually this all lead to her storming over and he hide. For 45 min he hid and eventually the cover was blown. Now because they ended up seeing each other again, I'm the instigator of their last conflict and she avoids me like the plague. Not that I car just sharing how awesome of a situation I'm currently dealing with. Everyday I have a fake woman pretending to like me because she buzzed on wine and banging my uncle, meanwhile I could give a *beep* lol.
As always good to chat at you. I'm gonna go put some ice on this bruised leg. haha
Another question I have...where are all the interesting ladies? Most of the ladies I attempt to talk to are dull and boring. I dunno if it's me and lack of being able to carry a conversation or what. It's just seems like I chat it up with someone and then it's goes cold. Maybe I'm just pouting today, I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong in meeting new woman.
Who the hell does your uncle think he is, offering his girlfriend around - her pimp?! Ugh. Basically. Doesn't sound like that man is a good influence to be around so, little wonder you feel a lack of ties keeping you there.
Meantime, you're going to just have to accept that it's par for the course for your emotions to need time to catch-up to the new status quo, and just try to ignore them as best you can until such time as they inevitably dissipate down to nothing. And yes, you being in mini-stasis whilst you're waiting round for The Off indeed won't help matters and *will* have you wanting to pull in a cathartic replacement figure. But, don't. If you're meant to suddenly bump into the love of your life thus stay put then it won't require any deliberate effort on your part, anyway; you and she will get SHOVED together, seemingly out-of-the-blue.
It may be that ladies are *always* dull and boring (and same for men from a woman's POV), but that whenever the trouser department's interested do they strike you as the most fascinating people on the planet. Depends on what you mean by dull and boring, really, what degree. Alternatively, you might be subconsciously deliberately choosing dull and boring women to talk to in the first place so as to at least get to kid yourself on the one hand that you're *not* out of action and *do* still have a love-life to speak of but without them/it having the power and means to scupper your imminent move?
But that leads to this question: GIVEN that you're about to re-locate, why are you even TRYING to meet new women? Does this reflect another side of your mind that DOESN'T want to up-sticks with your buddy?
(...And now a pedantic interlude (sorry but I've got to correct you because it's an all-too-common American grammatical mistake which rubs us Brits' up the wrong way, LOL): The phrase is, I *couldn't* care less/give a beep, not could. The point being that on the low-to-high spectrum of caring, you're already virtually at Zero, meaning feeling any lesser amount as still constitutes Caring literally isn't possible. Sorry [insert sheepish grin].)
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?