Hi help, I have been with my husband for ten years and still love him very much but over the years we have had our problems mostly he has been talking to women sexually over the Internet. In the past I have forgiven him most recently I have found it hard . I have caught him out yet again this time he says he just talks to the women on dating sites cause he can't talk to me
I think if this were my husband, I would insist he stay OFF the computer and phone - and then get into marriage counseling to see why he feels he can't talk to me.
Have you ever stated consequences for his actions?
I have insisted he stay of the Internet but having been to the doctors ref his depression he has been advised to do a course online. I am finding it very diffcult I love him and want to stand by him but I feel like I'm falling apart I can't speak to anyone 1 because he dosent want friends and family to know 2 because if I talk to him it will push him over the edge, he will leave and our children will be left broken hearted and so will I . My head is totally screwed up . And I have no were to turn
Hi. I think your husband is very lucky to have you - he is the one harming the relationship but you are helping him. He is also setting the rules about who you can turn to for help for yourself. Have you explained to him how his actions make you feel? He can't use the fact that he might leave to prevent you talking to people for support. If he's going to leave he will - you will be fine in the end and so will your children. You sound like a good mum so your love willgget them through if necessary. Hopefully your husband will wake up to how selfish he's being and how much he's hurting you.
(One off from me)
You and your children will end up far more broken-hearted if you have to continue living under these conditions. Trust me on that. Young kids sponge up mum's mood more than anyone's; plus mood impacts on behaviour (yours first, theirs second). If she's happy, they're happy.
You're not happy and why would you be.
"...FORSAKING ALL OTHERS"!
Understand that everything is a wedge. It has a thin end and a thick end. And you can be said to be having an affair even if it remains getting conducted in purely the emotional (and, this case, 'virtual'
Your husband is not happy with his lot - which may or may not have anything to do with you/your marriage - and is doing what most apathetic or lazy-minded people do, which is, seek out cheap, convenient, no-hassle thrills in order to kick-start them out of it. Self-medicating. Everyone and anyone can afford an affair, time- and (lack of) money-wise... and the internet has made it p*ss-simple...one of its exploitable downsides. And that is what your husband is doing, despite for the time being at the thin end.
Dealbreaker. Marital contract breaker.
How convenient his arguments. You can't talk to him about it or you'll upset him (more than he already is). You can't talk to yours or his family members or it'll upset him. Same for close friends. Furthermore, you can't realistically insist he stay off the internet per se because he's in line for doing a course online. And allegedly the reason he's talking to 'them' is because he can't talk to you, in spite of the fact that THERE YOU ARE ASKING HIM TO DO JUST THAT! Is it *your* fault the topic of conversation is contentious thus 'upsetting'? No. It's his. And you're not his doctor or therapist, you're his WIFE.
If one wants to chat, one joins a platonic chat forum, not a DATING SITE. Who does he think he's kidding!?
Excuses, excuses, excuses. Including that he's depressed. Because, frankly, I'm surprised anyone who was genuinely clinically depressed would even FEEL like cruising and flirting! Most can't even be bothered to say "good morning" or "two sugars, please". Unless this is about anger coming out, finally, instead of remaining locked in (i.e. his being on the recovery road), but where he's taking it all out on you because you're the easiest and closest target? But he's using his depression as his ticket-to-ride *and* get-out-of-jail-free card.
Well, it's not acceptable (depression does NOT naturally and automatically lead to adultery). Not in the eyes of loving couples, married legally or otherwise, not in the eyes of the law, not in the eyes of decent society full-stop. And ESPECIALLY not in the eyes of children once they inevitably reach an age where they enter the romantic domain and join all the dots regarding what an heinous act it was from one spouse towards their supposed Numero Uno and mother of his children (- tell him to "brace-brace-brace!!!" if he continues to force you into doing the only self-respectful and self-preservationist thing there is). So what, then, is the point of trying to shield your kids from SHORT-term pain for the sake of future LONGER-lasting, possibly PERMANENT pain. Much better to let them face that reality now with your help (assuming he *won't* clean up his act) so that by the time they're ready for relationships, they don't see marriage itself as the perpetrator and act up accordingly in every adult relationship they try to run.
Let me put this much more simply: You staying in a marriage where you get treated like nothing more than sh*t on his shoe and/or his back-up lilypad until (present motions suggest) such time as he leaps to another is FAR more harmful to those kids in the longer run. They're your kids today but tomorrow they're everybody's adults.
It's sadly all too simple: Your husband knows or senses with certainty that you don't dare ultimatum him regarding a serious threat of divorce or separation, and why. He knows your hands are effectively tied against doing *anything* but complaining (and, thanks to his having blocked you, even then only through your vibes and body language).
With this the situation as means he's getting away with it, there is nothing to stop him going further and further with this, is there. What does he claim he'll do if one of the women he's chatting to suggests a date? Say, 'No thanks, I'm a married man, I was only on here to chat, not to date'? PFFF. Actions speak louder.
Only, your hands *aren't* tied. You're the one tying them (and then only out of fear-based misconceptions). Do you see?
There are no perks without work in this world. Don't let his attempts to scare you work. Him leave you? What a cheek!!!! He's lucky he wasn't thrown out WEEKS ago!
His actions and choice of where to execute them show he's already got one foot out of the door, anyway.
Threaten it back. And mean it. Tell him has has to cease his marital gross misconduct, that if he refuses to behave like a husband in accordance with the terms and conditions of that legal contract (fidelity - 100% or no dice!), if he insists on continuing to behave like a single man on the prowl, he can damn well LIVE LIKE ONE, including finding his own place to rent whilst paying Interim Child and Spousal Maintenance. He is the adulterer so the societal onus is on him leaving. You can also, if he threatens to continue or threatens not to stop, threaten him back with telling your family, his family, friends, the milkman.... Clearly he knows he *wouldn't* continue getting away with it if THEY all knew.
Interim Maintenance is what precedes court-ordered maintenance, following your raising a divorce petition with a family law solicitor and where the offending spouse has been told to move out. It ensures the wife and children continue to live as much as practicably possible, financially, in the manner to which they're accustomed despite the (this case) father/husband is living elsewhere (in a cardboard box if he can't afford better, for all the family courts care). A divorce process can be halted at any stage therein by the "Petitioner" (you), should the "Respondent" (him) decide to say and do - repeat, AND DO - what it takes to make you want to call a halt. Main custodianship (mum, assuming she's not a hapless drug addict) and paternal visitation rights (child custody) are then agreed by the two parties' solicitors based firmly on present-day laws.
In the interim, you should just book a free consultation with a solicitor so as to get a clear idea of where you'll stand both in the immediate and long-term future and both financially and emotionally.
Your only other alternative is to say something like, 'Well, you've gone and depressed *me*, now, so I think *I* had better join a dating site since according to you it's such effective medicine. I presume you can have no possible objection to that?'. However, this is definitely one of those situations where two wrongs don't make a right and just make them a whole lot worse. If you stay on the high road, you *will* (despite judges are supposed to pretend they're not only-human) be rewarded for it via the final settlement.
Mrs Smith, face the facts here: you are *already* broken-hearted. I fail to see how you could be any worse off than you are already. Unless you stay taking yet more and more of this sh*t, of course.
Sincerely hope that helps. Not least to get you ANGRY, finally!
PS: Just to be clearer. Your ultimatum should include his agreeing to marital counselling (like Susiedqqq advised) and then, if he refuses, to THEN have to move out.