Is it worth it?
Hi. I would appreciate some views on my problem.
I met my boyfriend , Andrew, 2.5 yrs ago on an online dating site. At that time I had just finished a relationship with the father of my 2 boys (there was domestic violence towards me - he had alcohol issues). Andrew seemed kind, , practical and seemed a good role model for my boys. The only snag is we live 150 miles apart.
Initially it was fine - he came to see us most weekends (I work on Saturday so it made sense for him to travel down) and we went away for the occasional holiday/weekend.
Then last February (2014) we had a bad row about our future together - as a result of that row he agreed to move in by Christmas 2014. I really wanted him to move in as I wanted the relationship to move to the next level - he said he did too. I have my own house and income but I just wanted a bit more security and I wanted to be with him.
It is now April 2015 and he still isn't here. When I ask him why he says he wants to move but his job dictates that he has to stay in the Midlands. He said he'd look for a new job so he can come down here but he hasn't. He says he loves me but when I talk about being together more completely he just comes out with excuses.
My boys's friends and school and father are down here and I'm not sure uprooting them would be right.
Anyone got any thoughts - should I change the way I think about our relationship or should I leave it?
I'm short on time at the mo so I'm going to make this very, very simple:
Imagine, due to bad luck or bad decisions, you ended up in a famine-stricken third world country where all you had to eat - rarely! - were basics like bread, rice, potatoes (IF you're lucky!)... possibly even grass, beetles and bark.
After years, possibly decades, of this, you get promoted to a greasy cafe - the type that would have Egon Ronay vomiting at the mere thought of it. Not you, though. You're used to the distasteful or at best insipid. "YUM-YUM!", you say.
Stand back and look at your trajectory, see it for the slow-but-steady promotion it is, and look forward to your next automatic shunt up - to a five-star restaurant.
In terms of the mere details:
Some people accept/seek a long-distance relationship because they want an artificial yet effective means of either protecting themselves whilst still in the assessment stage and/or artificial means to be held back/have patience and not jump into what could be the frying pan. That was evidently you. Hence it was you who put on the pressure for him to put his money where his supposed mouth was.
Some people seek/accept a long-distance relationship because it allows them greater freedom than a relationship would otherwise give them. They can two-, three-, whatever-time their lover, safe in the knowledge that her geographical distance denies her any means to know what he's up to when not together. They don't WANT the relationship to grow stronger and more committed. That was, and still is, evidently him.
Because - never mind the blah-blah-blahs. Actions - his case, his initial protestation followed by lack of action-taking - speak louder.
Leave it. It's the only way to - after whatever period - find yourself in that 5-star restaurant where you belong. This guy's just a halfway house stepping-stone. It'll hurt for a bit, yes. But then it'll never hurt again. EVER.
Yup - "but he hasn't" . . . ."he just comes out with excuses."
His lack of action speaks volumes.
Thanks for the advice from the violently blunt school of Soulmate. I did appreciate it - I liked the analogy - I'd kind of arrived at that point myself. It's nice to have it confirmed.
Take some time apart and see for yourself. Do not change your life or make drastic decisions for him unless you are completely sure that he is the one for you or that he will your ideal partner.
The point that you are giving a second thot about him proves that he is not worth all this worry.
If you want a break from the relation, take some time apart. Do not push him too far, he will only get annoyed and hurt you.
If you do not think he is worthy of another chance, then just break up amicably and move forward. You will sure get a better relationship.
Loads of positive energy to you!
Thanks, all three of you, for taking time to consider my problem. In a way it's reassuring that you all saying approximately the same thing. Thanks for my positive energy - I need all I can get
Keep us posted; that's all the thanks we need.
PS: "the violently blunt school of Soulmate". GAFFAW-GAFFAW! I liked that.