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Don't know where else to go.

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I don't really know where to start, let me start from the beginning so you can understand why i feel the way i do.
Please excuse my English, it's not my native language.

I started talking at the age of 5 ( really late i know ) but i use to stutter like crazy. Couldn't even say my own name. Nowaydays it's less but at times still bad. Makes you not want to talk. Often people thought i was a dumb kid because of it. Pretty anti-social, never fits in, strange kid. Never really had friends at school. I couldn't play outside because whenever i went outside i was being bullied, beat up and threatened. That kinda messed me up, my mom tried to help me as much as she could but she was all alone. ( i don't know my dad ) We barely had enough money survive. So you could say my childhood was stressful. Got kicked out of high school for being anti-social and aggressive whenever someone was bullying me. I was just fed up with all the pain, i became very aggressive and angry all the time. I hated the way people treat me. Finding girlfriends wasn't easy. I had one, didn't work out. She cheated on me, i was to sweet to her she said. Because i was feeling lonely i did everything to keep her by my side. It was overwhelming for her and i messed it up. I never talked to my mom or grandmother about anything, about how i feel. They had enough problems on their mind. Then my grandmother passed away, i never really expressed how much i appreciated her. Then 6 months later my mom passed away. Never got to say goodbye to her. I regret being the son that i was. I never speak to my sister, whenever i call her or leave her messages she just never replies. I don't have any one left, everybody around me died or left. I lost my job, i have such a hard time finding a new one. All i do is workout, trying to relieve that anger. I don't know how to pick my life back up again. Or better, finally start a normal life. I'm wondering how i stop feeling so miserable, so bitter and start living. I just want to love someone and be loved. I'm now in my early 20's and I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm not neglecting my health, i don't smoke or drink. Never did and i work out a lot. My mental health tho, that's a different story. I need some advice because I'm lost. Sometimes i just want to break down and cry but I'm scared to.
This is the first time i talked about this, it feel weird.

Sorry for the compact version of my life story.

Don't know where else to go.

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You sure have been dealt a lot of blows. YET . . . you bounce back! The fact that you take care of your own health even shows you DO have some kind of self-love.

Now you just need to get out of "your own way" i.e. those thoughts that keep you back from what you really want to be.

Do you have access to grief counseling - or at least discussions with an older mentor? You really seem burdened with feelings of responsibility for things that happened when you were a CHILD. That anxiety comes out as anger because things have seemed out of your control all these years. And you continue to feel that way.

Is counseling available to you?

Don't know where else to go.

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Dear Justsomebody,

We all understand how you feel. I have been rejected, insulted, denied in life too. And I know how painful it is. I have known the overwhelming feeling of my life falling apart. I never expressed to anyone but I felt lonely a hundred times.
And I just want to tell you that all of that is okay. Yes, at the time even I did not know, but all of that is okay.
I want to tell you that you are alone, not lonely. Whether you feel lonely or not depends on you. I know it is very difficult time for you as it is just 6 months that your mother passed away but you will have to accept the reality sooner or later. The sooner the better.
Try finding new hobbies. Learn something new! Go on a crazy trip. Meet random people. Meet strangers and get to know them. Enjoy your time alone. Do anything and everything you want. And most importantly help people ! Instead of thinking your life as a burden or mistake think of all this as a fresh start, a new experience. Write your life all over again. Discover yourself.

It is really sad that you were treated badly during your high school and all but trust me not everyone is rude or a bully. Yes, there are wonderful people out there. I never had lot of friends. I was cheated, betrayed and deeply hurt too. But now I have people who care for me and whom I care about.
Just let the time pass. Just accept the reality. And always always always find meaning and purpose in everything you do.

Try meditation and counseling to control your anger. Do not worry please, Everything will be fine.

Your dear unknown friend sending your loads of positive energy !! Smile :)

Don't know where else to go.

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Hello, first of all I'd like to say don't be scared to break down and cry. It may actually help, releasing all that pent up frustration and anguish. I do it a lot! Sad to hear about your mother and grandmother, and even though you never got to say bye, She loved you and in your words tried to help you as much as she could' so try remember the happier times with her. My dad died when I was 17, I was with him and I never said goodbye, as I didnt even realize he was dying. And I could go on thinking what if... so don't dwell on it and don't regret being the son that you were, because I'm sure your mom never did.

In a perfect world all siblings would get along, but its not a perfect world, if you visited your sister instead of phoning? or does she live a good distance from you? would she ignore you still? is she older or younger? Have you tried leaving a msg asking her for some advice? Maybe she will become the 'big sister'

There are a lot of free on-line courses, you could enrol in some of those, and there are some diploma courses. On completion you get a certificate. Adding those to your CV/Resume may help you find another job.

What about some new hobby, Art? singing, writing? I know working on a budget is difficult but maybe in your local area there are somethings that you maybe interested in. Check out local newspapers, local charity shops as a volunteer? maybe you wont get paid but will give you work experience, and more info to put on your cv (curricular vitae=Resume)

And you won't always feel like this, and you will have more girlfriends I'm sure.

There are lots of organisations out there, who can help with lonliness, depression etc, google! and don't be afraid to ask them for help. Coming here is a good start, it means you are willing to talk about your problems.

And I read a quote the other day.....We haven't yet experienced the best days of our life yet!

Hope things get better for you.

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