High emotions when angry
Alcohol has caused me some issues in my life. As a minor I was arrested for public intoxication and underage drinking.
Otherwise, I've kept myself clear of trouble with the law other then the occasional speeding ticket.
When I first started drinking I used to mix drinks and have a great time and sometimes just got emotional..like crying or super happy/excited. When I was senior in high school I was raped by a friend of mine who had also wanted a relationship with me but I didn't see him that way. We had had a few drinks, but I remember it. I remember being held down, his hands around my throat-him on top of me telling me to be quite and that I enjoyed it. I never told anyone (besides very few select friends) and wore sweatshirts for a few weeks like the marks around my neck healed. He went on to make comments about it and even told some friends-whom I just tried to brush it off saying I didn't really remember it. A year later he texted about "wanting to hook up again" and I went off at him telling him I never wanted it in the first place, he knew that and we haven't spoken since.
Ever since that night there have been a few occasions in my life when I drink that I get very angry and lash out at people. I figured out one of the reasons was because I was mixing my alcohol and drinking way to fast.
I have had problem for a few years now. I drink to much, black out lash out and do horrible things. The next morning I wake up, not remembering anything having to clean up the tornado of a mess I've made. I've broke things, said rude/hurtful things to people (some of which are things I truly think but my filter is turned off-and I just speak without thinking how it will impact others). I've also caused physical harm to others (like bruises or biting them) and myself while in this state.
I listed alcohol as the problem for this because this only happens when I drink. I can go for days or even weeks with out a drink-so I don't feel like I am an alcoholic. I enjoy having a few drinks and often nothing happens. But I'm afraid one time something irreversible will be done.
My family is trying to force me into counseling for this or to stop drinking all together. I am in my twenties and know that drinking is a big social deal for my age group-so I'm not ready to give up drinking but I am willing to limit myself.
I've started looking into what could cause this and why it happens. I am trying to teach myself, give myself the will power to stop drinking after a few drinks, help people see that I do take responsibility and understand the pain I cause others but also make change. I can't stand when people say I am not trying to change when I really am.
I am working hard to make a change, but its hard to know what exactly to change. Yes I realize "just stop drinking" is the simple solution, but I think there is a bigger picture here. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Yes, there is a "bigger picture" here - it's deep and wide and going to swallow you up if it doesn't end up frightening you to death first.
You were raped and your attacker continues to mock you! This never got confronted or resolved for you. Instead, you took on all the shame - which, by the way, is one of the cornerstones of addiction.
There's no need to figure out if you are a "alcoholic" by definition. It does not matter when or where or how much you drink - it's what happens when you do. And you already admit that your life becomes is becoming unmanageable. (Congrats, you are looking at the First Step in AA!)
Please go to your nearest Women's Center and find a counseling service that specializes in sexual assault. Press legal charges against him, if possible. (He has most likely raped other women)
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Its been a few years since the rape happened and I no longer speak to the guy anymore.
My big concern is that I don't like how I treat people when I become angry drunk. There is nothing specific that sets it off or even "triggers it" other then when people try to control me.
I'm trying to limit my drinks to less then 3 and then I wont really get drunk. But still I feel like a horrible person and I don't really know what to do.
Doesn't matter if the rape was years back. It's effects are still impacting on you TODAY, including your understandable anger about it, which old and undealt with emotional cocktail only gets to come out whenever Pandora's Box is wide open. And evidently Pandora's Box gets opened wide enough only when you 'oil' its hinges sufficiently.
Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Do you drink TO inevitably meet a situation that'll warrant the lid opening as bit-by-very-slow-bit lets this old anger out (deliberate catharcism) or would you be anger-free were it not for how alcohol affects you as an individual?
You said, 'other than when people try to control me'. Clearly, then, it's being controlled, made to act against your own will - like you were all those years ago by that nasty little weasel - that's your Red rag to the bull. So - question: how does it make you feel and how do you react when someone(s) tries to control you when you're completely sober?
Limiting your drinks to less than 3 is FAIRLY clever as a (symptom-treating) solution, but - let's be real here: shouldn't you be able to experience a life that includes you being able to get quite drunk now and then (albeit I do mean, now and then) like everyone else does? And if you limit and constrain what sounds like your only (to you) opportunity to express latent rage, then, given that emotions "won't be ig-NOOORED, Dan!" - WHERE IS IT GOING TO GO AND FROM WHAT OTHER 'HOLE' IS IT GOING TO ESCAPE FROM, IN WHAT FORM? Cancer? Alopecia? Wouldn't it be better to treat the cause rather than just this recurring symptom?