I have had posted a thread relating to this before but wanted some fresh advice.
My dad was quite abusive and critacal towards my mother throughout my childhood. He spent most of time with his friends in gambling houses.
He was also very crirtical of all of his children. All my sisters were told to get married at and were not allowed to go to univeristy since he could not afford it and wanted them settled down and out of his house. He said he as the dad knew what was best for us. He once tried forced me marry someone who I didnt want to. Luckly after many weeks he gave up.
About 15 years ago my mum had a mental break down. Instead stepping in and taking over he blamed her for her illness and made my sister take over my mums role and made her makle his breakfast and dinner and also made my other sister iron his clothes.
As soon as I started working he stated begging me for monry to feed his addiction and on some occasions stole my money, he apologised but never agreed to pay me back.
I was lucky one in the sense he allowed me to go uni. Even then he would beg me for money.
My mum was trated more like his maid than his wife. She eventaully made some progress with her treatmnet and was able to start serving him once my sisters moved out.
His temper tantrums were still on going. He would critisice everything she done. Her cooking, her cleaing, everything. After I got married he expected my time to server him breakfast and iron his clothes. When it didn't happen he got stroppy and didn't understand why.
Eventually I had enough and fooled him into going to pakistan where he has a house. I send him more than enough money to live on.
He is a diabetic patient and now wished to reurn back to the UK. I feel sorry for him but really dont miss him.
Part of the plan of him going over to pakistan was that my mum will follow him and server him there but she never wanted to go.
She is now afraid of what he will do once he returns. Many times he has assured he will not trouble her and that he simply wants to come back home and relax.
I really dont know what to do..Please help?
Why is it that you feel you have to do ANYTHING at all?
Are you under pressure to speak for your mother? Does he expect you to take care of him?
What is his idea of "coming home" - is that to live with you and your family?
If so, surely your wife would have a say in that!!
He has expressed a WANT. If he were a child you would say "That's not possible. What do you need to make it more comfortable where you are now?'
Since he has nothing to his name I kinda feel sorry for him.
My mum is scared of him. Yup he reckons its my duty to support him if he comes back and it's his right to live with me like he did before i made him go.
My wife doesnt want him back but says she doesnt want to make my decision for me. My mum has told him not to retuen but he said you can't stop me from coming back.
Your father is continuing to bully you and your mother, just like he has done for years.
Why would you invite him into your environment where he will revert back to his old ways? He will bully your wife, children, and your mother. Is that what you want?
Be the ADULT son, now, and put your foot down about what you are going to allow. Ignore his demands.
PS. You feel sorry for him because he is old and pitiful. But that's no reason to allow him to disrupt the life you have worked so hard to build.
Has anyone else got anymore advice for me???
I get confused because he is diabetic and I wonder if something happens to his health I will blame myslef. The healthcare in pkaistan is not comparable to the uk. If feel like I am robbing him of his right to healthcare. But at the same time I do not want him living me. The man has a very self centered charcter. He expects everyone to run around him and see to his every need. If someone doesn't deleiver he either pulls a stroppy or goes mad.
Please advice how I best come out this messy situation
The thing that is playing my mind is that if i force him not to return and should something happen to him will i be able to forgive myself.
I really don't like him. My mum can't bear to see him. My wife isn't fond of him either. I really dont know what to do.
SO i asked my mum if she wants him back and told her if she does then i won't object. She said she is afraid of him and reckons her life is in danger. So i told my dad that mummy doesn't want you back in my house. He couldn't understand. I decided to tell my mum to call him and say you're not banned from the country just my house.
So I decided If my mum wanted him back into the house I will not object. She seemed confused but said she is really afraid of him. So I got my sisters to talk to her and they also told me she as afraid of him. In the past I felt bad because I was asking my dad to stay in Pakistan. Now I let my mum tell him exactly how he felt. So she called in up and tell him its over and she doesn't want to see him ever again. As expected he called me up and told me to talk my mum out of it. I kindly explained I spent entire life (over 30 years) being the piggy in the middle and cant carry on.
He started crying. So I called back and said I've been financially supporting you while you have been in Pakistan. I reminded him of his Gambling addiction and asked if he is sure he wants to leave is old mother and return back to the uk. He said yes. So I said you have the Passport comeback anytime you like but you cant come into my house because my mum doesn't want you back.
Not sure what to do next
You are doing just fine! Congratulations!
Now stand firm. No need to do anything, or say anything more.
Don't sacrifice your mom for him; don't even crack the door open for him to think he can intrude in your family.
Great job in protecting yourself and your loved ones.
I have now recieved so many call from him. I ended up answering a call and he cried to me saying my mum has made homeless and that he isn't well and needs to visit his doctor in the UK. He said I'm his only hope and wants me to help him come back by searching for a room.
Not sure if should help
Now in a another twist mummy wants him back. After me and my sisters have done so much to keep him away she wants back and gives him another chance.