My wife was 'picked up' & exchanged phone numbers with guy at a party we went to
This past weekend my wife and I were at a party. A guy hit on her as if to pick her up and then called it a joke and revealed that he was married and had a child. I saw this guy eying my wife before he approached her, and to me, it was obvious that he was attracted to her and wanted to give her his attention. Discussion expanded to the game of picking up women. Later in the evening just as we decided the night was over and we were going to leave, he approached us and as my wife and I were sitting together and he leaned on the armrest I was using, pushing against my shoulder uncomfortably. In this way he assumed a dominant position and he directed his attentions to my wife in conversation. The conversation included me, but it was entirely directed at her. I wanted nothing to do with him, nor he me. Eventually conversation included potential to have our children play with each other. Mind you our children live in different cities and paths would be highly unlikely to cross, although my wife and this guy travel between the cities. I didn't want to be rude and let nearly 15-20 minutes of banter continue before I left them to go get our coats. When I returned I was relieved to find that the topic had not changed and neither had their seating positions. The man's wife was now sitting across from my wife. She was pleasant and was introduced to me. My wife's hat was on, then off, then phones were out, numbers exchanged as I left the room to find the hosts to say good bye. The number exchange had my eyes tearing up just about. The play-date was a pretext.
On our way home I mentioned to my wife that I did not think that this guy's attention was healthy and that it troubled me that they exchanged numbers. She felt the same way but when the play-date idea was thrown out there, and considering that he's married and has a child the situation must be harmless.
Later on, as the topic came up again I mentioned that the play-date idea felt like a pretext, and my wife agreed. I said that it was a pretext. She agreed to this too. And when I asked her what it was a pretext for she said probably for this guy to practice is game more. This made me feel like her entire initial argument was just an attempt to throw garbage at me to assuage my concerns.
My wife liked the attention. He was a good conversationalist. I understand that flattery is valuable. My wife understood that I was very upset and she asked for my forgiveness and felt that she had done the wrong thing given the attention. I forgive her. But really only because she asked me to. Had I not been so hurt by this I don't think she would have thought twice about it. Had I not pointed out that the play-date was a pretext, I don't think she would have openly admitted that she felt the same way. I really think that she would have run with this connection and talked to this guy.
So fine. Then she should talk to this guy if she wants to. My reactions should not dictate her time being well spent and it should not dictate her future and it should not dictate what she asks for forgiveness for either. The kitten in her is not to be parented by my reactions nor the dog in her wreak havoc on my emotions.
How do I deal with this and work with this situation? There is more that I can share, but I'm not sure it will be helpful. Thanks for any thoughtful advice.
Here's a thing, my friend. I have had numerous problems with my ex-girl, I left her quickly. Here's a question, what are the symptoms of your current emotions? Do you feel anxious by any chance?
In other words, DruidsDreams, you want a wife who naturally feels protective over hers and your exclusive relationship and acts accordingly, not one who has to be reminded to (or, indeed, persuaded and convinced).
Well, now that you *have* spelled out the bleedin' obvious to her - next time (if there even is a next time), she'll have no excuse.
But, yes, what does it say that she facilitated his veiled chat-up attempt and even agreed (via the act of taking his number) to continue to facilitate it? What is SHE saying - to you - that she did this in front of you?
[a] Does she want to cheat? No. Were that the case, she'd have kept it completely off your radar so THAT you couldn't hamper or block her.
[b] Did she want to put your nose out of joint? Why would she? Only you'd know that.
[c] Did she want to manipulate greater attention (romance, flirtiness, possessiveness) from you? Ditto. And ditto.
Because she dragged out your need to keep stating your protest, what with that counting as attention, my vote is C.
Soulmate, I'm not sure what you mean by "put your nose out of joint". Interesting point that you make that this was her attempt to manipulate greater attention from me. I shouldn't think that it would be to make me more possessive though. I would hasten to add to your thoughts. You have narrowed the field a bit though. She gave him his number when asked. She loves this flirty attention. I think that what you're missing is that she could have been 100% acting without regard to me and to my feelings. In fact I think that this is what happened. I don't think she was trying to communicate something to me, but trying to communicate with this guy and to get more of his attention. It is a nice thought that you bring up here, but I think it is a bit off. My wife and I probably need more romance and flirtiness, but I can't give her more than me, and that's what she found in this guy right?
ODOGG, this is a leading question right? Just cut to the chase and share your thoughts dog. If I didn't feel anxious and insecure about this whole thing I wouldn't be here asking for support.
I am too, anxious of a girl I just recently met 3 months past. Right now I am trying to make an appology to her on the phone but, in vain. She doesn't answer. I wanted to appologize to her about how I kept calling her on Sunday, and I sure as hell feel deep anxiety.
It sounds like she knows exactly what this guy was doing. What she does with the number will tell you everything.
In the meantime, you realize that "She loves this flirty attention."
So . . . YOU be the one to give her flirty attention. Show her that you are going to take care of her.
How about a romantic weekend away?
Thanks for the responses. My frustrations have lessened with time, but my concern lingers.
Susie, I'm not going to know what she does with the number unless she tells me.
Funny you should mention a romantic weekend away, that's what we were on! But, that said, I think you offer very helpful advice which is spot on.