Hubby's fishing ex
DWOGIRL - Apr 28 2015 at 17:45
Another call from my husband's ex to him, during his work hours when she knows I'm not around. She seems to get an immature thrill from contacting him and telling him how sorry she was for their divorce years ago and how she's changed and how he's a great man and a wonderful person and she just wants him to know that, and this and that to reinforce that she made a mistake by divorcing him. Along with random life and love philosophies and prayers for his/our marriage!!! Duh, this does not need to be repeated behind my back to my husband, every few months, but that is part of the thrill for her, it seems, as cheating on him was partly the reason they divorced in the first place, and it seems to me like she's hinting big time that she'll be available to him/ready to get back together, if I just happen to kick the bucket anytime soon.
I know that they have grown children together and we all need to get along, and that family events weddings, graduations, etc, will/do make civilized and polite behavior necessary, but she also continues to be included by his family unnecessarily in situations where my husband and I are there. She is bff-s with female members of his family since their divorce and it seems even more since our marriage, which seems strange to me, especially since she was the perpetrator against their own family member. She is socially outgoing and attractive, by far more than I am, which she definitely knows and is using to rub in my face. My husband tells me he is cool to her on the phone, blunt, strongly lets her know not to call again, and hangs up immediately so as not to make her think it's ok to keep calling, and to keep the peace. But she calls again or texts, and he answers thinking it might be an emergency or about their children, since she calls randomly. How do I deal?
I don't know how to respond without falling into her game. I am somewhat satisfied that my husband's response is appropriate and that it is her her her, and his family. By the way, she's remarried! You would think that would make a difference, but it doesn't to her. She's calling and texting behind her husband's back, too, as far as I know. Also my stepchildren seem to think I'm not good enough for their dad so I suspect they are bogus whining about our relationship or exaggerating minor problems between my husband and me, or telling the ex that their dad seems unhappy with me if he's not jumping up and down party animal dad when we're together around them. So they possibly keep up the false impression that he welcomes or needs her contact and compliments and reassurances. What a manipulator she is! Like she's Mrs. Helpful. What should I do the next time she makes her loving (nauseating and unnecessary and inappropriate) gestures of warm fuzzy communication toward my husband, behind my back, and tells my husband about how she knows she has to do it behind my back! because, I'm insecure. Does she mistake me for a stupid piece of garbage? Not responding at all is only making her presume that I'm fair game, a weakling and a loser, so it will all continue til I do something. But it could all potentially get worse when I do, right now it's unwelcome texting and calling my husband, horning in on my husband behind my back, and insinuating that he needs her to compliment him, cuz she's apparently such a goddess of beauty and inspirational genius, needing his attention and confirmation that he and she need to have a secret "connection" behind my back. Anyone else have this problem?
You said the kids they raised are a reason he has to keep his phone on. I'd say he's stuck between two wives, until he makes it clear to his whole family that it's important to him (not to you) that his ex should be invited to parties only if he/you thinks it's okay. If his family doesn't agree with that because they care about her so much, they can hang with her separately sometimes. She should know better, and stay away from your events when her/his kids are not involved. And he is good to tell you when she calls, if indeed he's telling you all, but I do have a drastic idea.... one girlfriend of mine actually got her new husband to agree to her carrying his cell phone everywhere together. It's in her purse, and she answers every call from his ex-wife, mother of his 3 kids (they have one together, too). She answers when his wife calls, and over time, that ex-wife got the notion that calling too much became uncomfortable and awkward and she was sometimes told he was "busy" or he was "on his other phone" so a message could be left, etc. It's a drastic step that the husband has to agree to, but in their particular marriage, it worked. That ex-wife was calling when a lightbulb needed replacement, and to tell him she missed him, etc. She can still call him when he's at work or when his cell phone is away from his wife and kids, alone, sure.... but it doesn't happen much, because he is blunt with her and gets off the phone if it's not about their kids at all. It's all harsh, but if it's not about the kids, and someone's new spouse is upset, harsh boundaries have to be set by the husband (in this case, it's your husband) who is the controller of incoming calls.
My fiancee's ex used to call at 4:00 am to say she was scared, or had a nightmare, or wanted to know he was ok, or she was sick, etc. middle of the night.... but really she wanted to interrupt our bedtime together, and plant thoughts of her in his brain while I was living with him. Since they didn't have kids together, I said turn off the phone or block her, and he did that. But your situation involves kids. I don't know if you're old enough to remember not having cell phones, but if so, get an answering machine and a landline, and that's the way she can call about the kids. No more cell number. Even if there's an emergency situation, we used to get along just fine without cell phones. She can always call from someone else's cell if he blocks her number, but then you'll really know she's desperate and inexcusable with him. And he still has to keep her out of occasional parties -- that's on him and his family.
Thanks for the replies. Helpful to ask, suzy dqqq, I guess she'll find a way, but that's a signal to her. Also peanut butter cups, your situations sound pretty similar and good ideas and support, thanks.