Is this unforgivable?
4 years ago I was in a relationship with a man where for the entire time, I received constant emotional abuse. This became a relationship where I had to lie to protect myself and emotional well-being from being manipulated and tormented. I was a shell of the person I once was. My sub conscious knew, and it would lie to protect me from saying something that would lead to emotional torment. I became pregnant with his child, suffered a miscarriage. The relationship ended & 4 months later I met the man of my dreams. I was still suffering at the time from depression/emotional trauma from my previous relationship, but this guy made me feel so good about myself. 3 months into our relationship, I became pregnant. I had a miscarriage 4 weeks into the pregnancy. I didn't tell my partner, or anyone, because I was in denial. I couldn't cope knowing I had lost 2 children in the space of 8 months. I felt worthless, ashamed to be a women. My instant reaction was to protect myself, just like I had been so known to do with my abusive ex boyfriend, even though I knew my current partner wasn't like that. So I printed off a picture. Told my partner & our parents that that was our child. I lied. Because I couldn't bring myself to tell him our baby was gone. Was told I couldn't conceive for 4-6 weeks after a miscarriage. We went for an ultrasound which would have been 11 weeks, where I knew that the sononographer would be able to tell my partner I had had a miscarriage when no baby came on the screen. But to my utter most surprise, there was a 4 week old embryo on the screen. I had gotten pregnant again without knowing. Feelings of loss and worthlessness were now replaced with fear. Fear of having yet another miscarriage. I didn't feel deserving to be carrying another child. I pushed all my thoughts and emotions aside, thought forgetting about them would make them go away. My son was born and everything I pushed aside came back. I felt like I was suffocating in my own mind, my own thoughts and emotions. I did not feel like I deserved my son. I felt worthless. Inadequate as a mother. I felt like a let down as a partner. All those natural motherly instincts that women are supposed to have, I did not feel like I had. I felt like I was suffocating when I was alone with him.
I have since overcome my PND after a 3 year long battle, however, my partner found out about the lie I told and has left me. He says our whole relationship was built on a lie and that I hooked him. But it wasn't like that and he doesn't understand what I went through. I didn't ask to be pregnant again, I didn't plan it and I was not emotionally ready for it at all. I never asked him to stay, he chose too.
I want to know, is what I did so unforgivable? Is what I did normal for someone who has suffered all that I did? How do I get my relationship back? PND had already taken so much from me, I can't let it take my relationship too.
Of course he chose to stay! And, no, all things considered, it wasn't so unforgivable. What a ridiculous excuse! He must have KNOWN it wasn't true when at supposedly Week 11 the sonographer announced that there was his Week 4 foetus! Of course he did, that's basic maths that even a five-year-old could work out! Yet he chose to say NOTHING and stay for 3 whole years......until the point of needing a good excuse to leave arrived (another woman? / fatherhood and marital responsibilities not "fun" enough?), whereupon he drags up this old but highly convenient episode like it's only just occurred to him.
It's called, how to make myself to anyone looking in from the outside appear lily-White rather than the marriage- and fatherhood-abandoning t*sser that I am, whilst making HER look like the baddie. (Yeah, well, people aren't stupid so, nice try Mister Man, not nice enough!)
The issue of the pair of you not having thought it sensible to use the pill or condoms aside, I'm afraid, however, that this is what can happen when you try to build a whole house atop of scanty, unfinished foundations. The whole thing is bound to topple.
Yes, he was better than that first reject (not difficult). But not much. Not enough. Certainly not to settle down and make a baby with. You were only 4 months out of that abusive relationship, and that is FAR too soon to have recovered your confidence and optimum standards of what grade you insisted on any 'marriage'-worthy partner being capable of attaining and sustaining. However, your dire need for a sense of security obviously drowned out everything else, every other consideration. So if you stand back you'll see that you went from Dud Majoris to Lesser Dud. However, you still got treated accordingly by both....and are now blaming yourself.
For what - having been laid low and judgements impaired whilst so starving hungry and in a hurry for a sense of anchorage to the world that all other considerations didn't even get a look in? It happens to the best of them.
Who wants back someone who could even bring themselves to abandon their tiny kid and the mother on whom said baby's welfare 100% relies? Ugh. Give it more time and you'll see, and will cease wanting something back that you're too good for and isn't remotely good enough for you or your baby.
See the baby as your consolation prize. That dud may have become tarnished by his own upbringing and experiences, hence could behave like that, but that baby is 'clean' and ready to receive healthy programming...has the full potential that this ex of yours was denied (as turned him into a dud).
Leaving your baby out of it for a mo, look at your steady (and universally common) trajectory: Complete Dud -----> Lesser Dud ------> Prince! :-) This is to where the particular path you're still on leads ...but not if you go back to Lesser Dud. Do not do that to yourself, just grit your teeth and WAIT a bit longer until you've FINISHED bouncing back up (along with those higher standards re what you really deserve). Prince will have all of their good qualities but none of their sh*tty ones. His faults will be something like... the fact his feet can get smelly after a long day (big deal).
In fact, let's NOT leave your baby out of it. It deserves a responsible, loyal, honest, mentally hard-working, resilient and resourceful male as its role-model. Right? So do it for her/him if you can't manage it for your own sake.
...although you can. Anyone who's mentally strong enough to withstand and endure 4 years of serious maltreatment (*and* find mentally resourceful ways around that oppression!), followed by PND, followed by, now, this amount of crushing (albeit temporary) disappointment, is certainly strong enough to be a single mother for a while whilst waiting for her automatic upgrade relationship. Oh yes. You need to cease underestimating yourself on that score.
In terms of the practical, I imagine this ex would want to wriggle out of paying child maintenance as well. Correct? If so - CSA time! He might THINK he can just cut all ties and walk away, but I think he'll find the law has different ideas.
So! Now that you know this past lie excuse is total BS, what do you think is the *real* reason he upped and left (like only a sh*thead will do)?