I don't know what to do... Need advice please
I've been married for 10 years and have a 7 year old daughter. The last 4 year's of marriage my wife tells me I've neglected her. I was sole income in the household and therefore doing long hours. I just found out my wife had a 5 month affair. Ive told her to end it but she wants to break this man's heart slowly which can take a long time because he wont let go of my wife easily. She blames me for the affair because I pushed her away and tells me its not the other man's fault. But she still wants to be with me for our daughter. I do love my wife and have forgiven her but I don't know if I could forgive her again if her feelings get stronger for the other man during this so called breaking the heart phase. I have this feeling my wife is not being honest. Should I end it now or wait it out to see if this man will leave? I don't know what to do.... are there any steps to take to save the marriage.
Let's put things into their proper chronology and perspective, shall we?
1. Your wife got found out by you to have committed adultery and then told you it was because you'd neglected her.
Your response to this is that you were working hard in order to support her and your daughter. Fair enough. She'd have to be highly unreasonable to suggest you should have been attending to her during working hours, wouldn't she. But what, playing Devil's Advocate, about NON-work hours? Did you neglect her, do you think?
If not, then - she WOULD say that, wouldn't she, think about it. What else is she going to say? "I have no excuse, I'm just an a*sehole"?
2. You've told her to end it but she wants to drag it out. Reason being, to spare this guy's feelings (aww, dere-dere).
WHAT ABOUT *YOUR* FEELINGS?!!!! WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S?!!!
Oh, yes, it IS this other man's fault (jointly with her) if because he went and chose - CHOSE - not to say no to entering a relationship with a woman he knew was already married, she then has to break it off in order not to lose her marriage!
I don't care HOW "neglected" she was feeling. That did NOT give her carte blanche to have an affair and then refuse to feel highly remorseful and guilty for it! All it gave her the right to do was either put up and shut up (obviously not) or to say to you, 'Houston, we have a problem and I want us either to sort it ourselves or start counselling'.
More to the salient point, though: Why is it your wife seems to believe she CAN string this affair out rather than cut if off in one fell swoop and/or believes you'll settle for a relationship of solely a co-parent nature when what you signed up for was [wait for it] MARRIAGE BASED ON ROMANTIC-SEXUAL LOVE?
And how can you forgive her for a marital crime she hasn't even ceased committing yet?
You have a FEELING she's not being honest? Mate, I *know* she's not!
End it now...her only get-out laying in her agreeing to going to marital counselling if you ending it is not what she truly wants.
And start standing up for yourself more.
Women are basically very weak when it comes to emotional insecurities.She z a human n she could have felt loveless n lonely while u were buisy in ur work n money making.She z human n can stumble over anytime if she z not getting enough attention from her husbnd.Mayb that other man had noticed her vulnerability n had tried to take advantage of it....I once again mention that women r very weak n fragile when it comes to emotional unstabity.Infact she needs u now in that situation more than ever.She z not a child n understands this fact that u r not only her hsbnd but father of her female child.Problem is that it seems that deep down she z still angry with u n has some fears regarding ur relationship,that she finds it difficult to get over with the whole thing that happenend...Hope if u give her love,assurance ,trust n leave the matter off for sometimes,probably she comes back to u....
You seem like such an OBSERVER in all this!
Your wife was unhappy. You ignored that. She seeks comfort in another man's arms. You watch and try to figure out what and how they are together. Now you stand in the background watching if and when this breakup will even happen.
If you want this woman, then draw the line in the sand. Insist on COMPLETE ad FINAL break-off of this affair. Only then will she be able to turn around and pay attention to your marriage.
I appreciate the replies. My wife says she is making progress in creating distance and she keeps saying that she is there for me and loves me. Every time I do see her on the phone with the boyfriend I still feel hurt, but in saying that a little bit of my love for my wife deteriorates. I think I'm in denial that the marriage is over and I still want this marriage to work, but I don't know how long this break up will take. I still love my wife and daughter and I care for them a lot so I don't think im emotionally ready to cut it off just yet. If I do push her to much to end it she will leave and I definitely don't want that for my daughter. Maybe time will heal me to move on and if no break up has occurred I will not hesitate to leave. I am putting up with this solely for my daughter so she can have a family. Also I can add, my wife is going to start a new job, so that might make things better. Seeking for more advice please
I see. So you're in conflict, only however much wanting to save the marriage whilst moreover wanting to call it quits thus giving her the scope to carry on kicking what remains of the love out of you. All I can presume, then, is that this affair, this whole situation, is actually more a coming-to-a-head explosion following years of drip-drip-drip corrosion, and that in response you've effectively said to her, 'Go ahead, punk, make my day!' which is precisely what she's doing when what she COULD be 'saying' is, NO, I CHOOSE YOU/US! Absolutely. I'm with you. Actions indeed do speak louder. And hers show her taking yet more steps towards this other man, this other life, in the form of ensuring he'll stay sweet (which is tantamount to keeping him warm on the side), whilst merely *pretending* to reverse them back to you. Meanwhile, yours are doing nothing but waiting and watching for what she'll in the final analysis do.
That watching and waiting says this: I didn't cause this pile of stinking sh*t on the marital carpet so why should I be the one to help clean it up? Again, ref my above-mentioned 'she had other choices' - I'm with you.
One would THINK the answer there was, for my daughter. That even this isn't enough to spur you into getting out the bucket and scrubbing brush just tells me you deeper-down *know* your daughter wouldn't benefit from you two staying together, not in the long run (the one that matters). Quite right, too. Intermittent life change excepted (which *needn't* be traumatic if you handle it right), your daughter needs above all else to spend her childhood soaking up what a healthy and successful partnership should look, sound and move like so that she can ensure to emulate it, not something that's never quite done it for you or either of you together (offspring having been produced or no).
You've got it pegged, in other words. So what more advice are you looking for that you think you need?
(Sorry, that was me, Soulmate. Not sure why my alias failed to display.)
Thank you for your further in sight of the matter. I do see some closure in the matter between those two. But hypothetically saying it does end, my wife comes back to me and my daughter, she will still be heart broken over this man and I am prepared to support her thorough it, what step there?
Saying that this other man will probably wont go away still pursuing my wife, he will cause more harm whilst I'm trying to rebuild my marriage. Please advise me on this matter
I'm a tough lover. Own oxygen mask first, is my motto, wherever appropriate. Personally, I don't think I would wish to sacrifice to such a huge extent my own emotional welfare by nursing the partner I'd loved and who'd betrayed me through their exclusive process of detachment from another individual (meanwhile having all mentally and physically intimate advances rejected). To me, with every bad/snappy mood or crying bout and rejection of his that I had to witness and suffer, it would be like exposing my already stabbed belly and saying, 'Go ahead, do it again...and again and again and again'.
But this is about you and whether you could.
That you ASK ME whether you could demonstrates that you yourself just don't know. That's not a good start, is it. But maybe it's too early days?
No, he *won't* just go away because what *you* feel means diddly squat to him (clearly!). It has to be on her say-so. So we've come full circle, then, haven't we... because at this present time, she's not giving it, she's trying to *maintain* their affair, put it on ice as is. That translates to 'just in case'. Just in case WHAT? So then we come full circle back to you... you whom is equally unsure (or not sure enough).
Put simply, with my believing this is a leverage affair (go google), she is not going to come back to you unless she's sure you absolutely 100% wholeheartedly WANT her.
It's not fair, is it.
But here's the rub. No-one forced her. It's not like she developed some condition of disease that compelled her to cheat on you rather than alert Houston to the problem(s). It was a CHOICE. And a wholly selfish, self-obsessed, cruel one at that. So I'd say the only both emotionally and intellectually logical expectation, here, is that the first choice in that two-person half-and-half choice-making process is HERS. She started it, she finishes it. And her finishing it *is* her choosing you. Right now, she's dragging it out whilst preserving it. She's HALF choosing you and half choosing him. (Mwack-mwack-oops!)
Tell her she's got ONE WEEK to end it (and even that's being generous!) and that - make sure you quote this verbatim - if in that more than ample space of time she *won't* 100% end it (thereby placing your welfare and that of her daughter's above his) then, you will take that lack of action as an irrefutable sign to mean she doesn't want to keep her marriage to you, berbom. Can't say fairer or simpler than that.
But it's your show and keeping your marriage your prerogative (never mind what she thinks on that score) so if you want her to sever the affair outright *today* then, so be it, she can take it or leave it.
If she ends the affair, it has to be within your total earshot. Then, along with blocking and deleting numbers, she has to change or put an end to all and any routines that however directly or otherwise facilitated their contact. If that means her changing her job, say - so be it. Even moving house! She is going to realise, finally, that she *can't* have it both ways. Plus, to help her come to terms with that, she should the whole time remember how LUCKY she is that you didn't do what most men in your situation do, which is this: "We're OVER! And now pack up and LEAVE!".
And there will commenceth you watching her grieve, which, as I say, if you can manage, makes you a stronger man than me, Gunga Din!
Thank you once again. Now here's the latest news.... she now wants to leave this situation in gods hands to see what happens... to see who ends up with her. I don't know what to say that.
I can't offer anything more than what susiedqqq and Soulmate are advising. But listen to them and take it in as they sorted me out and I had no idea it was me that needed to talk to someone. Quite frankly even at my advanced years it has only just dawned me that the male female brains are wired very differently
(Thanks Moody, but actually they're not half as different as you'd think; males and females on the whole just *react* differently to the same urges, emotions and thoughts. The differences are moreover down to nothing but hormones.)
What do you MEAN you don't know what to say?!
Your wife has not just broken but set light to the marital contract ("for better or worse, forsaking all others"), meaning the marriage is already too long over, with this the result...just a *symptom* of what is.
I think it's obvious your wife is meanwhile getting a kick out of having a sense of power over you and putting you through the wringer. She (her ego) is also tantamountedly saying, 'Highest bidder wins'. Er, no. That is not how it works. It works like *any* two party contract forged from MUTUAL wishes and intentions, including equal responsibility and liability.
...Picture the scene: You have worked hard for years to build up a company with a business partner. Suddenly, one day, your partner brings some bloke over to your desk and tells you that from now on you have to share your office and annual salary plus commission with him...and not even 50/50. Two thirds to a third in this new bloke's favour ("WTF?!*?")
All this third bloke is going to do is make the coffee (in other words, is going to cash in on your years of slog practically for free). You obviously mount your protest with your partner, but all he says is this: "Tough!" He then adds that if you choose to stay and if - IF - you manage to convince him you want to retain the set-up more than this stranger does then maybe - MAYBE - he'll one day reverse his decision.
Er... WOULD that be tough or are you supposed to be legally-recognised equal partners?
That fact aside, wouldn't that tell you about how your business partner feels towards you and all the years you've put in with the company? Would you not conclude that, despite your years of loyalty your partner was secretly trying to force you to abandon the company of your own accord (so that he escapes any liability and losses) but that if it turns out you can't bring yourself to, he's still perfectly happy about your staying and getting daily, humiliatingly treated like a worthless doormat, because not only is that not actually any skin off his nose but also, as a bonus, bolsters his ego about how desperately you want to stay in partnership with him?
What would you do in that situation? Despite how you felt, how you wish the situation had never happened or would just go away like a bad dream, wouldn't you demonstrate self-worth and -respect by immediately seeking legal counsel?
Your wife is a twat.
I would suggest counseling and another thing I would suggest IF you work things out ... move. . And move far. You and your wife can have all the counseling in the world and have a minor spat about the proper way to load the forks in the washer 4 years from now..... same day she runs into this dude at the market right after your spat...
let that sink in..
either cut your losses now or get counseling and take stock of the situation then and make your decision but if you stay you need to move
(LOL - Lixi, you need to note the dates; you missed the boat by 8 long months, look.)
The nerve of her to bring God into it, as if God would condone adultery. You must MAN UP!!!, I don't know anyone who would have put up with this as long as you have. You must regain your self respect, stop being THEIR fool and take SOULMATE'S advice seek legal counsel. W
What more can be said?
ROFL - And SK, you now need to read my post to Lixi above yours!
You two need to get to SpecSaver's, tha's waddidiz, LOL
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