Cheating after 8 years
I'm 31 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. We had recently been discussing the possibility of having children. For the past 5 years he's been working off shore on a 4 on 4 off rotation, meaning he was away for 4 weeks at a time and then would come home for 4 weeks. He can work onshore with his qualifications and experience but chose to work offshore because he liked the work. Our relationship was great and I was very happy when we were together when he was home. But I was terribly unhappy and lonely while he was away. We had limited contact (poor wifi, different timezones etc) when he was away so I felt even more alone. He new I was terribly unhappy with his work schedule and kept saying "just a few more months" then "just a couple more years" and then he'd get a job onshore. I struggled through the last five years because the weeks that we were together were great and of course I loved him. I completely trusted him. He has been my best friend and main support for the last few years.
He is currently away with work - his rig was based in port in Korea so he has been staying in the town. On Monday I stumbled upon an email trail between him and another woman. He had remained signed in to his email on our home computer. I learned that he had kissed this woman and he was trying to arrange to meet up again. He was professing strong feelings for her. He described the kiss as "the best few moments since he'd been based in Korea". He also said that he couldn't tell her everything he was thinking over email and wanted to meet her again in person. I read them over and over again hoping I'd misinterpreted something. But it was crystal clear. They had kissed, he had feelings for her and wanted to meet with her again. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated, heartbroken and angry. I threw up several times and cried for hours on end. Several hours passed before i could get in contact with him.
When I eventually got in contact with him he gave me this story - He and his work colleagues were out for drinks a couple of weeks ago. He said they were all very drunk. They met these girls at the bar and the group drank together for a while. At the end of the night the rest of the group had left and only my boyfriend and one other girl were left behind. They talked for a few hours alone. When they left the bar they kissed. He says they didn't have sex. The next day he sent the emails (the ones that I saw) and expressed feelings for her. He told me that he did have feelings for her but he wasn't sure what they meant. They arranged to meet up for lunch and he says that he told her that he regretted kissing her because he had a girlfriend. I really don't believe that was the content of their conversation but that's what he told me. He said that this has never happened before. He said that he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. He says that he loves me and will never put a foot wrong again. He even said that he will quit his job so that he can focus 100% on fixing our relationship.
I had talked to him several times in the 2 weeks between the kiss and when I found out and nothing felt off - we talked as we normally do. Because I only stumbled across the truth by accident and he had no intention of ever telling me, I can't be sure this is an isolated incident. He was acting so normal. He was even chatting with my dad and brother in the 2 week timeframe. I think that this means that he didn't even feel guilty or ashamed about what had happened.
I don't believe you can develop feelings for another person if you are in love. I loved him and I have never developed feelings for anyone else since we've been together. I have been so loyal and stood by him for years despite his work schedule making me miserable. I am often approached by other men when I am out and I never entertain it because it feels wrong. The thought of even drunkenly talking to another man for hours alone feels like betrayal let alone kissing someone else. So I'm not sure if he even really loves me despite him saying that he does.
I am in a complete state of shock. I never ever thought he was capable of hurting me in this way. I'm not sure what hurts me most; the kiss, the feelings or the fact that he had no intention of coming clean. I haven't slept properly or eaten since Monday (that's 5 days now). I can't think of anything else. I've still been going to work but I've been like a complete zombie. I have a high pressure, high responsibility job and I need to be sharp so this is definitely impacting my work. I still have feelings for him despite what he's done but I see no way of getting around this hurt and betrayal.
I would appreciate some independent advice or thoughts on my situation.
He get's back from work on Wednesday. My head says that the relationship is over. Nobody that repays my loyalty with betrayal deserves my love. I have already moved his things out of our apartment into boxes in the cellar. But my heart is in bits. I do still love this asshole and life without him seems just as painful as the betrayal.
What would you do?
Is it possible to develop feelings for someone when you are in love with someone else?
Would you believe what he is saying?
I completely feel your pain and know that you are not alone - I am going through similar anguish at this very moment.
I fully believe that cheating is a horrendous act and one that can, and does, ruin relationships. Some people have different beliefs and standards than others and it would appear that we are both similar in what we believe in. I personally could never cheat on someone and think of anything romantic with another whilst I was with someone as quite repulsive. I give myself fully to someone and I guess if your partner doesn't do the same it can mean that your live your life by different morals.
I tried to forgive my GF for cheating, however much I'm against it. When you love someone you do all sorts of crazy things, you are blinded by it and you will always try and see the good in that person. In my situation, my partner had cheated before, quite seriously with her ex. Finding out that she had cheated on me was a big surprise - I thought what we had was different, magical even. To know her past hasn't helped things, nor has her secrecy and lies about texting the person I know she cheated on me with. With you, I guess you don't know exactly how far it went, but irrelevant to that, he broke your trust and once that is gone I think it might be impossible to rebuild.
The actions of my partner constantly go round in my head and I understand completely how consuming it becomes. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and it all be over. I can't socialize anymore - I just feel completely deflated by the whole situation.
I recently ended things with this girl. The long distance thing is horrendous - I need affection, whether that's a negative or not, I can see how it could render me needy. Long distance and trust issues are a recipe for disaster. Breaking up with her was very hard for me to do, it still hurts now. I am at a stage in my life where I want more - I want kids, I want bigger houses, I want to be grown up. I don't want to waste time on someone who is only going to screw me over in the future.
Only you can decide whether you believe what he is saying. Sometimes you have to just try and forget about it and for certain individuals, like myself, they don't forget. Like I said earlier, one the trust is broken, it's hard to get it back.
I hope you manage to sort stuff out. I just typed a lot of stuff there which isn't structured particularly well - I just spewed my feelings on the matter on the computer.
Stay strong, lovely.
Dear ur concerns regarding ur partner r very just n fair.When we r in a romantic relationship we become very possessive our partners and if that person cheats its killing.You on ur part have been quite honest n clean n maintained ur loyalty with him throughout the whole connection n its natural that u demand the same from the ur partner.But it's very shameful n disgusting that ur partner not only cheated upon u but also accepted that disgrace to u.Now there is no use to trust n own a disloyal person again in your life.U don't deserve to live on ur life with a cheater n with a heartache,so it's better to take a positive step,leave that person n move on with something positive on ur mind...God bless u..