Have I done the right thing?
Ok, so this is one hell of a long story and I completely expect most people to switch off after the first couple of morose paragraphs. I am currently sat typing this in a desperate attempt to validate what I’ve done or be told I’m a complete and utter tool for taking the action I took. Please, someone give me something!
Anyway, go back nearly 8 years and I meet this girl, not just any girl, this girl who made my heart flutter instantly. Over that 8 years we had brief encounters but for reasons out of our control we never became serious and ultimately this girl ended up marrying the guy she was on and off with for those 8 odd years about 5 or 6 years ago. Throughout this time we would intermittently talk, text and on the odd occasion see each other. It was clear we both liked each other a lot and for some reason we couldn’t just let each other go. Personally, during this time I knew I really loved this girl and I’ve never been able to meet anyone like her since.
Her relationship wasn’t great and it seemed to me only a matter of time before it would end. During a trip to Europe I got a text from her telling me that she loved me, pretty much out of nowhere. This then started everything in a much more serious way. This girl was married and living with her husband. We would talk non-stop by text and as often as we could on the phone. Eventually we met up and everything came out – she confessed that she came to the realisation that she loved me and always had. She said it should be me that she is with and not her husband. She knew she had to finish things with her husband and I can appreciate how hard that was. It wasn’t like she hated this guy, this just grew apart, wanted different things etc. We basically had this ‘affair’ for a year or so until she finally talked to her husband and they agreed to separate. That time was magical – we were so madly in love, I could see it in her eyes. She told me I was the one on many occasions and said she knew we’d get together.
She had planned to come and live in the same city as me with an old friend, only to find that her friend let her down last minute. Ultimately she asked whether she could move in with me and I of course agreed knowing that this girl was ‘the one’. So, she moves in and things are good for a few weeks but after a month or so she became irritable and somewhat different towards me. We have numerous conversations as to which would normally end in an argument. The reason for her upset was because she was getting upset whilst talking to her husband. This annoyed me as surely if you have left someone you would cut all ties and at least attempt to get over them more seriously? I said that she should stop talking to him, block him or whatever to help this process but she never would. I did manage to see a few of the texts she was sending him, I’m sure many people would say I was wrong in doing so but I was uneasy about why she couldn’t stop talking to him. The texts comprised of her calling him husband and trying to meet up with him for whatever reason. Her moods and sadness continued every couple of weeks with the same conversations gone over again and again. I asked several times as to whether I was wasting my time here as she clearly wasn’t trying very hard to get over her husband.
Maybe 4-5 months into her living with me she got some texts from this guy who she had mentioned in her past. This guy was someone she had been seeing whilst her husband was working away and from what I can understand was pretty serious. He had royally screwed her over from what she says and she assured me there was nothing ever happening there. Roll on a few more weeks and she went to visit family one weekend and during this weekend she was very weird with me, hardly contacted me which was very out of character and this made me question whether perhaps she had gone to meet her husband. So again, to satisfy my own intuition, I looked at her messages whilst she was in the shower only to find that she had gone to meet this guy and had sex with him. I questioned her about it and she was sorry and said it just happened, blah, blah, blah. I said she needs to cut contact with him and she said she would. I loved this girl more than anything and I wanted it to work so I said I’d try and forgive her. This is something I don’t think I ever have done. The annoying this is that she said we weren’t even ‘serious’ so it wasn’t even cheating?! The mind boggles.
Over the next few months the same patterns continued, she’d still get upset about conversations with her ex and contrary to what she said, she still spoke to this guy. She said she liked the power after what he did to her previously and she wouldn’t stop talking to him.
The trust at this point was obviously very low and again on one weekend where she went to see family I noticed that on her return the car had done a lot of miles. A lot more than it should have done if she was going to see family. I questioned this and eventually she confirmed she had gone to see her husband but just to talk, she assured me that nothing happened and it was just to get ‘closure’. I was pissed that she didn’t tell me she was going but she said it was none of my business and that I couldn’t be upset with her for doing so anyway!?
Time continued on and I loved her as much as I ever did and wanted everything to be the same as it was when we started seeing each other again after all those years. That’s what I got into all this for, that’s what made the hurt of her still being married and sleeping in the same bed as her husband on occasion worthwhile.
Further into the 12 or so months she lived with me things I was still dubious as to whether she had stopped messaging this guy as she eventually said she would. Against many privacy boundaries I had to look at her phone again and confirmed my suspicions that she was flirting and talking about having sex with this guy again. I was furious again and asked what the hell was going on. She said she was sorry and knew she shouldn’t be sending that type of stuff to anyone.
Maybe 3 months from when she stopped living with me she said she had decided that she needed to leave and go live near her family, about 200 miles away. She said she had started getting really down and that she was taking it out on me and it wasn’t fair. She said it would be better for us as she could go and sort her stuff out and get better. I didn’t believe this was the right thing to do but understood that it would be great if it made us right again. She assured me she’d see me every weekend and it would be fine, we’d make it work. It would be like it was back when just whilst we sorted stuff out. It was just for 2-3 months, completely temporary – she assured me.
As it grew nearer the time for her to leave she had got a job back at a place where she used to work. I said this sounded like it was a bad idea because this was supposed to be just temporary and a job that she arguably didn’t want to leave in the first place would mean she’d stay longer. She didn’t agree.
The closer this date got, we talked about seeing each other at weekends and she said it wasn’t going to be every weekend, maybe not even every 2 weeks. This upset me as this wasn’t what I signed up for. To a degree, I felt I had been mis-sold this, I would have not agreed to it otherwise and would have just cut my losses when she mentioned the move itself. I couldn’t do with that much time apart, I wanted a girlfriend, not someone I saw every couple of weeks for a kiss and a roll about.
So the move came and went and I struggled from the get go, whenever she would come we’d argue because I wasn’t happy and I needed more. She was very distant as soon as she left and we hardly talked. Things seemed very different and even though I was upset, she was fine with it. She said she needed the distance to help her. This girl was getting 200 miles of distance and seeing me once every fortnight and at times she still thought this was too much. The arguments continued and continued and then one weekend she came back up and said that she had been offered this amazing job opportunity at her company and she couldn’t turn it down. This coincided with the decision I had made to tell her that I needed more from this relationship and I said that I couldn’t do this long term and the job would make that the case. She was upset that I was effectively making her choose between me and this job and resented me for it. I said that this was for us to work, it wasn’t just about what I want, she confirmed she wanted to be with me still so she knew what decision she’d have to make. After a week of deliberation and lots of arguments she decided to come back instead of take the job, although she was pissed at me for making her make that decision. Weeks went passed and she didn’t come to see me. She kept making weak excused about being tired or not having the money to come and see me. I didn’t mention but I was looking after her big dog during this time as she couldn’t have it at the room she was renting. I was trying to help her get over stuff by housing her dog, which, in all honesty, wasn’t that convenient for me.
During the entire time she was away I was so sad. I couldn’t sleep, all I did was think about how this was horrible. Having talked to various people about this story they said she had treated me like shit from the get go and that I needed to end it. I needed more from her, if she came back, that would make things better for me.
So, I decide to drive the dog down there and end things. She said she didn’t want to lose me but she wasn’t ready to come back. I stuck to my guns and left, however upsetting it was. Whilst driving home she said she didn’t know what to do and that she didn’t want to lose me. She wanted me in her life and in her future. I said that she needed to decide and said I needed to know sooner rather than later, I couldn’t keep holding on. The week after that was horrible, I wanted to talk to her about what she was going to do and she kept blowing me off. Eventually we talked and she said she had decided that she wasn’t ready to move back. She said it was my decision and that I wasn’t even trying to give it a go but she still wanted me in her life. I said this wasn’t good enough – I needed more, I needed someone present. I said that I wouldn’t reply to her if she texted as I needed to get over her. She said this wasn’t over, it was me and her after all, we had history – she knows we’ll sort stuff out. This again confused the hell out of me.
So, a few days later I’m wondering if I did the right thing. I want her in my life so much but I’m simply not getting enough from the relationship. A lot of her stuff is still here so I’m sure at some point she’ll have to come and get it or whatever. She is usually pretty weak when it comes to not speaking to me. We’ve tried in the past and she’s lasted hours or a day max. I’ve still not heard from her and it’s 2 days. I know this is what I wanted but it still sucks. I really want her to realise she’s made a mistake, I said she had on the phone the other night and she said she probably was making one.
Have I done the right thing? Should I have waited? She said she wasn’t ready but my main issue was that she’ll never be ready. She said a lot of her issues were with living with me as it was too soon. Things were better before she left, much better. Surely she needs to just stick it out and get used to it and also eventually get over her ex. The longer she is down there, the harder it will be for her to come back when she has already admitted she isn’t keen on coming back to no job etc. She’s now also doing the job she turned down on a temporary basis which makes me think she is building a life down there without me. I can’t upsticks and leave, I’ve got a mortgage!
If you’ve got this far, well done and thank you. Apologies for the poor penmanship – these were thoughts typed down in no particular structure.
Oh my....your story is mine in reverse... And I couldn't be more sorry. I know your pain, I am living your pain. Please stick to your guns and don't look back. Don't call, don't respond, don't believe what she says. Some people cannot be honest ... It's just not in them. If you have the time I'll tell you my story.
I have been in my current relationship for 22 years. Married for 20 of those years. I'm sure you've heard of the seven year itch? It's real. We met In 1993, and married in 1995. The first time ( I know of ) he cheated was in 2000 while I was away for a week visiting family. I realized this because strange as it may sound, he brought me flowers the night I returned home. This may seem like a nice gesture, but it's not his style. It immediately set off warning immediately sent off warning bells. I went a couple of nights before asking and he said something to the effect of "I feel like we've grown apart and I'm confused about our relationship". After that I started doing what you've been doing: playing Sherlock Holmes. I'm sure you've heard the saying before "seek and ye shall find". It became a habit to look at the phone records to see if I could find out who it was cheating with. So sad. After a while it seemed like everything was okay, and I let myself believe our life was back to normal. Fast forward to 2007 and he has a midlife crisis of sorts. Now he's not sure if he wants to be married or if he still loves me and Says he feels like he needs some space so we separate. During the 2 1/2 years that we were separated, I know of two women that he had relationships with. We were separated, so I didn't make a big deal about it. During our separation , even though he was seeing other people , he kept calling me constantly texting coming to see me and of course I loved him,so you know what that led to. Sound familiar? I don't really regret it because I was being honest about my own feelings and it's what I wanted. What I didn't need was for him to insist on moving back in with me after I asked for a divorce and saying that he needed our marriage and he needed me. I gave our marriage another chance and we have been back together since 2009. The problem is that he will not let go of one of the women he had an affair with. They still speak on the phone quite often a text back-and-forth and he messages her through Facebook. I know this because of our phone records, and know about the Facebook issue because she calls me when he makes her mad and says please tell your husband never to call me again.
It goes on and on and on. No end in sight. So please my friend , for your own sake be grateful for two things: The first is that you had the strength to leave , the second is that you were not married. Its hard for someone to change their behavior when they don't really believe they've done anything wrong and she seems to fit the bill . Don't make the same mistake that I did. Dont continue to believe in someone who doesn't deserve your loyalty. Allow yourself the time and the space to grieve for your relationship, and then please, please MoveOn. There is someone out there who will appreciate who you are and what you have to offer instead of taking advantage of it. When people get used to being forgiven they stop worrying about their actions. Best of luck to you my friend .
Thank you for your kind words and support. I guess it is so fresh right now i'm blinded by the positives. I knew I was being treated badly throughout and I guess I always thought that if she did it several times, why would she change for me?
She is a traveling girlfriend. She won't settle down and that's not for anyone to judge, but it sounds like that's not what you a want.
No matter how hard you try shoving the square block in the triangle hole, it's not going to work. Find another triangle and you're going to see the ease of life. Let her move on and find another square, that's what's best for her.