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My problem

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I guess these past high school years I've always felt rejected. I never had friends on the sport team I was involved in. My best friend from 1st grade didn't want to hang out or talk to me because I wasn't crazy or fun enough. But then again when I'm thinking back I guess I kind of had a guard up especially when it came to guys. Any advances I was quick to shut down, guys that I was actually falling for I always found a problem with them and I guess rejected them before they could reject me. I never went out of my way to make friends or boyfriends in fear of rejection. I have the most kind and loving parents but thinking back I guess I was always scared of disappointing them or being rejected by them too. Now in college by sister got a boyfriend and no longer wants to be my friend even though we were so close and would tell each other everything so in a sense the one person who I never thought I'd be rejected by I am. Even though My old friends can be awful friends at times I guess I hold on so tightly because I feel one day they will walk away from me too even though in a sense they already have. I feel alone even though I am surrounded by people. There are no guys in my life not even a guy friend that I talk to. I don't even have a girlfriend that I talk to on a regular basis. I feel like it is all my fault though because I am always to scared to try and make friends and even my new college friends I always think they don't like me. I don't like my body but I have no motivation to exercise. What's the point? Who am I trying to impress? My sisters out with her boyfriend why I am babysitting and doing laundry. I feel as though this is what my rest of my life will be even though I constantly tell myself it will get better I feel that I've been saying that for 5 years now and I don't know if I can say it much longer. I keep telling myself it's not a big problem and to stop feeling so sad but I can't. I don't know what I want to do with my life the future is so unclear I feel like I am drowning in loneliness, self-pity, and anger.

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