Scared, I think.
Hello, I have read a few problems on here and wish to add my own :)
I have been spending time with a woman I know, have known for a couple of years. Just a basic back story a few years back we started getting close, but at the time we actually had our first kiss out of the blue she had arranged a date with another guy. She went on the date, ( I know who the guy is and he is a nice fella but not much of a personality or looks and even before we kissed she said she'd go with him as a friend only. I was ok with this as I was kinda freaking out inside about getting close to her as she has a kid and I have never been in a real, responsible relationship and I knew the last guy cheated on her and broke her and her kids heart. It took about 2 years before she even went on another date after that. After this mate date, and I was worried that if I started seeing her and got to know her kid and we broke up in the future it would be hard on them. I to be honest made a point of not texting her after this. I knew at that time she liked me much more than him, and I liked her, seems simple but I genuinely think I have a fear of being trapped and it makes me freak out.
So after this date I never contacted her or replied to her and she started seeing this guy. They broke up though as she wasn't really into him. I found out after I started talking to her again, but with no intention of being anything but friends. After a few weeks she told about this guy I know who liked her and for some reason I encouraged it although I could see she was hoping I would say not to and ask her out myself.A while later she sent me a mesage whilst drunk saying she liked me a lot and that she had slept with the guy but wished she hadn't. When she sobred up I chatted with her and told her that too much had happened bewtween us and that we never really got a started so should just stay mates. She was upset, visibly so but nice about it and asked to be friends, I was happy with that. The issue here is I have started to get feelings for her.. I think. It's hard to tell because like before I convince myself with a thousand silly reasons why it won't work or why I shouldn't, but when I am in her company I'm happy and the most relaxed I've been in years, genuinely just sitting watching movies and even listening to her complain..I enjoy it, it makes me smile. She also gets on with my friends and has a similar sense of humour, and opinionated view on things, haha, which is always a bonus! I know there's a guy she used to see messaging her again and saying he's a new man and I also know she has no interest in him. There's also another guy who I get on with who has been calling her a lot. The problem here is that I know she likes me and I do think that all it would take would be for me to ask her out and she would say yes. My old worries are starting to surface again though especially as I have spent time with her and her kid now, (her kid thinks I'm silly but funny and always asks if I am coming for tea with them) this along with the realisation I might miss this opportunity has made me feel under pressure to do something, but I have no idea what to do here. If I take this opportunity, what if I am just deluding myself as I am tired of being single and that's not fair on her or what if I don't and she starts seeing someone else, I feel I'd need to cut her out of my life if that was the case.
It's NOT, quote, hard to tell. She's all this time been using making you privy to her romantic goings-on to spur you into pairing up with her (like she can sense you deep down want to).
"he problem here is that I know she likes me and I do think that all it would take would be for me to ask her out and she would say yes."
[sarcasm alert] Nooo, REALLYYYYY? Surely not!
Stand back and you've got the following dance:
She takes a step towards you. What was 2 foot apart becomes 1.
You in response take a step back. Now you're back to being 2 feet apart.
She waits, then takes another step towards you. 2 has become 1 foot again.
You then ask her outright to step back. Instead, she steps back 2, meaning 1 foot apart becomes *3*.
You then feel like stepping back in... to make it 2 again.
You can't HAVE a relationship if it's going to always get conducted from 2 feet apart. That's not a relationship, it's an FWB. A relationship is All. No relationship is Nothing. The in-betweenie is an illusion, a temporary one at that. It never lasts and feels horrid. Even when the man THINKS he's getting to have his cake and eat it, he hasn't. He's just engineering one out of a whole menu of self-disliking manifestations, his case with the aid of A. N. Other.
Meanwhile, I'll tell you this much: that 'pressure' that you believe is coming from the thought of pairbonding with this woman is NOT coming from the thought of pairbonding with her. It's coming from your STRUGGLE WITH *DECIDING* to pairbond with her. What you're experiencing is something in the way of your doorframe whereby you can't close the door. Only whenever you actually try to close the door do you experience this inner turmoil as causes this horrid sensation; otherwise, you feel just fine. But not great.
Your problem is the doorstop and the fact you don't know how to remove it. If you managed to remove it and actually CLOSE the door, hearing that satisfying CLICK!, then in fact the door being closed wouldn't bother you a jot. Quite the opposite.
So define 'trapped'/what's the doorstop?
Thats all hit the nail on the head stuff and I never really considered what the "door stop" was until you asked. I want to, and plan to, move away from this town someday in the next few years, I don't want to stay here as I really don't like it here and have never really been anywhere else. My door stop I suppose would be that her having a kid and being so close to her family means that she won't leave. Then if I stay will I be missing out on my chance to move somewhere better? I realise that this is thinking way too far into the future and might not even be relevant, but it is what it is.
I'm going to ask her out.. I probably won;t be back on here. Thank you very much Soulmate :)
I'm sat here laughing my face off because in 6 piddly hours you went from, basically, 'Can't, because I want to move locations and she wouldn't', to, 'F**kit, I'm going to go for it!'. So am I to presume it suddenly dawned on you that you would feel completely differently towards your environ if you were ecstatically loved-up in it (as in, "I see trees of green, red roses too, tra-la-la...")? If so: yep, there is the difference that makes ALL the difference!
Also, don't forget the truism on the *other* side of that coin: a woman who was particularly close to her family would be so *for a reason*, thus would probably automatically allow that psychological umbilicus to slacken or even drop off were she to find those relationship having naturally paled into lesser significance by a proper, full-on romantic union, meaning she'd then be more happily open to the idea of relocating (assuming back and forth family visits were perfectly do-able).
That was going to be my denouement to you. But you beat me to it (ya b*gger), LOL.
You're welcome and good luck. Not that you'll need it. Not now. :-)
Well she turned me down stating she no longer feels that way about me, mainly due to me saying no to her last time. Which I don't completely believe, but I can't make her say yes. The convo was quite tame and friendly. Until the end when she got a bit angry with me after telling her why I said no last time (yes I said it was because of the guy she slept with) and told me to go, calling me a stupid ****.
Ah well, no idea what to do now, so I am going to give her some space, I'm half expecting her to start seeing this guy I mentioned earlier, the one that has started talking to her again, even though she made it clear she doesn't like him, it's more or less what happened the last time. I think she is afraid to start seeing me, for some unknown reason.
Some unknown reason:
"A while later she sent me a mesage whilst drunk saying she liked me a lot and that she had slept with the guy but wished she hadn't. When she sobred up I chatted with her and told her that too much had happened bewtween us and that we never really got a started so should just stay mates. She was upset, visibly so but nice about it and asked to be friends,"
She's been bitter all this time about the fact you never tried to fight for her back when you had that chance. This is her taking the opportunity to more firmly assert her complaint and hurt you like you back then hurt her.
Wow. You must have REALLY hurt her. Because, to me, her action is saying: "WhaddayaMEAN you said no because I slept with this other guy? I wouldn't have even dated him in the FIRST place if you'd taken your chance back then to bag me!" And her need to do so is obviously so belatedly dire that it's even overshadowed her other desire for you and she to finally become an item.
Give her SPACE, you say? Don't you think giving her space has been the entire problem?
You're going to have to be more persistent (which is what she wants in order to be convinced you're not just messing her around yet again). You can either give her a few days and then try again or you can strike while the iron's at its hottest. If I were you, I'd say, 'You're right, I was a stupid ****. But I'm not now so what's the point in you treating me like I'm still me back then when CLEARLY I have completely changed my thinking?'.
If you think about it, it IS your turn to be the one to put your heart and ego on the line (to equal *degree*, not equal occasion) because out of the two of you, only she ever has. If you haven't even got muscles to *match* hers, let alone beat them, then what on earth would she need *you* for? (Think about it.)
I've found out she's going on a date with an old friend of mine. This is beyond a joke, whatever issues she has and why she is doing this is beyond me. This is almost exactly like the time, except this time I know him, so it's far too close to home to salvage if she starts dating him.
I feel like saying to her but I also know from her personality that she will dig in and go on the date anyway, so it would be pointless, she has crossed a line this time, so it needs to be good bye and on to newer pastures. It's a shame but this would just be too much of an issue for me and people we know.
On a side note this guy has no idea about any of this, so I cannot blame him and telling him would be pretty petty of me.
My angry part wants me to say and to confront her but since it won't make any difference, I know just looking towards getting over it and moving on is the best way, but I am really p****d off about this, it's going to be difficult to let it go without saying something to her first.
Soulmate it says you are a moderator. Can you delete this entire thread please, thank you :)