Looking for sound advice
I will only post the behavior that encouraged me to come to a forum. If more information is needed I will be happy to expound.
Today my boyfriend accused me of sneaking out of the blue. He had been working outside in the yard while I was cleaning up the house. When lunch was ready I stepped outside to let him know, but couldn't find him. I first walked to one side of our house and called his name. Then, when I got no response, I walked to the other side. At that point I heard noise in one of our outbuildings. Having found him, I walked over and let him know his lunch was ready.
A few minutes later he came inside and told me he wasn't interested in eating when someone was sneaking around our property. Because we live fairly isolated I assumed he meant a stranger was nosing around our house. I offered to bring his food out to him. He told me he didn't want to eat the food because I was the one sneaking around.
The conversation escalated and he called me a liar when I explained that I was not sneaking, but looking for him. We are now not speaking because I refuse to make up a story or apologize for my "sneaky" behavior.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Were you calling out his name all during your search? Most people would keep calling and make noise (bell or whistle) when looking for people on large properties. Perhaps you startled or scared him.
You don't say what he was doing in the out building.
This ONE incident reveals things about your relationship. Do you have reason to not trust him?
I don't care whether you made your way to where he was via a hot-air balloon! You can't 'sneak' around when on your own property and looking for your boyfriend in order to tell him lunch is ready. Especially if, when you find him, you don't yell, "BOO!". Plus, you said, "I first walked to one side of our house and called his name." People who are trying to sneak up on someone don't call their name.
Obviously and logically, therefore, it merely FELT like sneaking. To him. Because he was doing something he shouldn't. And that 'something' was something he was so engrossed in that he didn't hear when you called him.
Yes, what WAS he doing in the outbuilding?
Whatever. What a great little smoke-screen to put in front of your natural inkling to question him about what on earth he was up to that he got annoyed at having been approached and interrupted: Have a go at YOU (for what he merely labels sneaking) and demand that YOU admit to some or other wrongdoing (that you didn't commit) and that until you do he's not talking to you. How to stop someone's line of questioning: veto all opportunities for discussion full-stop!
I hope for your sake he was just w***ing. But, certainly, if you DID trust him, he's just gone and put paid to that nicely, hasn't he.
The property is isolated not huge. The outbuildings are only 75 feet from the front door. He is also hard of hearing. During the conversation he claimed I was hunched over as if I was "taking cover" or avoiding detection and that he couldn't tell if I was carrying something in my hands. That comment made me feel as though he thought I was doing something malicious (we live in Alaska and have firearms).
He also accused me of sneaking around the house at night when I think he's asleep. Aside from two occasions when I've slept on the couch (he was sick and his coughing was keeping me up), the only times I get up is to go to the restroom or get a drink of water.
Today is a new day and the climate is not better. He's made a few snide comments about how Ihst think he's the bad guy and how I cannot take responsibility when I'm caught being shady. The situation is not one I can wrap my head around because it's so unreasonable.
To the individual who questioned my trust of him; this is not about what he was doing in the outbuilding. Frankly, it matters not to me what he was doing.
Is he a veteran? Any PTSD symptoms? (I know of vets that have difficulty with corners, even in homes or get upset with fireworks)
What is his fixation on him thinking people are "sneaking"?
Has he always been this way or is this something new?
Yes, he is a veteran. Up until now he has not displayed this type of behavior with me, not accused me of being sneaky.
I've tried to ask him questions to determine what he saw that made him feel uncomfortable and he accuses me of being patronizing and/or playing dumb.
I mentioned his heightened suspicion and that went over like a stripper at a wedding.
He's told me I'm not to touch or prepare his food and drink as I'm going to poison him.
I was also told today that our relationship was over.
This behavior is VERY troubling. Very paranoid.
Is there family around whom you can share his behavior with? Do you have a place to go?
Does he have male friends?
No, there is no where to go. We live in Alaska. My family is in California and his is in Colorado.
I'm beside myself as to what to do. If I go back to California I will have no car, no job, no money, no health insurance. I will need to find a home for myself and my cats.
I'm not convinced your problem is PTS. And I'll tell you why:
"Up until now he has not displayed this type of behavior with me, not accused me of being sneaky."
"I've tried to ask him questions to determine what he saw that made him feel uncomfortable and he accuses me of being patronizing and/or playing dumb."
Evidently, this very suddenly distinct outhouse incident was a brand new development, not something that's occurred before. Also evident is the fact that despite his claim that you've been 'sneaking' around or up on him for a significant stretch of time, only now - now that you've found him self-sequestered and acting strange in the outhouse, note - does he produce his long list of complaints. And not just complain, but, like it's a huge enough problem to warrant actually ending the entire relationship! And this despite he (ref the second quote) can't substantiate his stance thus gets around that by simply refusing to! (Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.)
Why only now? Why only now directly on the back of this one, distinctive incident?
It smacks to me of a man who's cheating (talking/texting to his lover using his mobile) and, having experienced the close-shave shock of being caught in the act (and not knowing how much you saw or heard, meaning, doing the typically male thing of making huge leaps of assumptions), mounts a guilty defence in the typically cheater fashion of ATTACK... including all this utter nonsense about you posturing like an approaching sniper and his being worried about you wanting to poison him, that little production then too quickly escalating to (basically), 'You're fired!'. Plus I'm betting it escalated for the simple fact that you (understandably) wouldn't cease wanting to talk about and get to the bottom of it.
Do not underestimate the downright phantasmic outpourings that massive guilty conscience can produce. And go google, why cheaters demonise their spouses. Meantime, here's an extract (and ignore the fact that it refers to partners that are legally wed; the principles are the exact same). Triple asterisks are mine:
When a third party enters a marriage, certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the cheating spouse. Their thinking becomes skewed in order to justify their their behavior. Denial of any wrong doing means shifting the blame and usually it all gets dumped onto the faithful spouse.
Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.
The Blame Game:
Feelings of guilt motivates them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair. They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement. Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage.
The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years."
***He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse by blaming the wronged spouse.***
You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:
The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly. Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.
Shocked and Awed:
The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to ***rewrite the history of their marriage*** in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet. The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could ***defame their character*** after many years of being given love, respect and trust...
....The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. ***They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.***
Being punished for your spouse's cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today's society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.
(The above it written out of a presumption of the spouse figure having already found out about the affair.)
I'm not saying the guy doesn't or didn't have PTS. But it could too easily be just a contributory factor in terms of traumatic events having forced him to take stock of his life and subsequently decide to (in his own sweet time) lilypad leap, i.e. jump almost seamlessly from you to his 'mistress' so as not to have to suffer any interim period of solitude and zero sex life.
Picture the scene: He's been in contact with another woman via a dating website. Things have suddenly hotted up to where he believes she's finally a serious candidate, or even a dead cert, for a relationship with him. Loath to have you stumble in on his conversation (maybe more) with her - due to the fact it would put paid to his trying to make the switch in accordance solely with *his* convenience and timeline - he takes what he sees as his chance (you busy in the house) to call her/call her back. But you unexpectedly walk in. (Cue the above-explained reaction package including total refusal to substantiate what cannot be substantiated anyway, only confessed.)
Prior to this coming to a head, he's been displaying the other typical cheater-characteristic behaviour, that of intimating that there had been many times he believed *you* were having an affair (ref your getting out of bed at night). Again, this is a typical counter-attack smoke screen attempt.
One of the things I know for a fact is, most men do not leave the nest or (if they're its exclusive owner) shove their established partner out of the nest unless they have another nest to fly to or another bird ready (or taken as ready) to occupy his female's place. Another is this: Desperate is as Desperate *does*, and with these ludicrous, alleged accusations and suspicions he is most definitely scraping the self-justificatory barrel.
I repeat: I am not claiming he *is* cheating. I'm just saying you should include it as a serious consideration, given how it so (for want of a better adjective) beautifully fits.
If this is the case, or even if it isn't, then your first priority, according to your latest post, is the practical. Did you pay him monthly rent (or mortgage contribution) and do you have documentation or receipts to prove it? If you did and do, that makes you legally his tenant, in which case he surely can't just chuck you out without suitable notice in order that you can make all necessary arrangements?
Saying that, however, I personally don't believe he IS going to chuck you out of the home. I mean, he will if you insist on pushing for answers. But I think it's him desperately upping his attempt to frighten you into finally, once and for all, ceasing your enquiries.
Are you working? or is it just your boyfriend working? If you are then why do you have to leave Alaska? Maybe I'm wrong but you sound like that would be the only upheaval, and yes that is a huge step, but I mean you don't mention anything about missing your boyfriend if you had to leave, just that you would have to find a new place for you and your cats.
And you say 'I'm beside myself as to what to do. If I go back to California I will have no car, no job, no money, no health insurance. I will need to find a home for myself and my cats.
It's always tough when a relationship ends, especially when it comes out of the blue and when its not so mutual, but staying in a neurotic relationship where you are accused of poisoning and sneaking around isn't necessarily the better choice.
And I agree with Soulmate in that your boyfriend lashed out at you to distract you from asking what he was doing, and I know you said you didn't care what he was doing, but your boyfriend obviously does and so went on so much about you sneaking around so as you wont do it again.
But then it may not even be that! You said he was a veteran, perhaps he's stressed about something and past memories are swarming into his head.
Do you have any friends there that you could discuss your concerns? or even help you find somewhere else to live or even to crash on a sofa for a few days, it may jolt him into realizing what he would miss if you are gone!
Hope things work out for you