I'm new and I don't know what I'm doing...
I'm 17 years-old (English) and in a week I'll be 18 (yay?) I'm in college at the minute and I enrolled on a IT course as that was the closest thing to what I wanted to do in the future (and I'm barely even passing that and not because it's hard but because I'm lazy and I don't want to do more work than is absolutely necessary to pass and get the qualification) I've been worried lately about "becoming an adult" and staying the same as I have always done and even though I know I shouldn't worry about that, I've been worried about what my future holds. I have serious problem with lying as well, I can’t stop myself from lying about myself and others, to either benefit myself or to hurt others or just to have fun, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to change and I’ll stay like this forever and never have any “real friends”. I don’t even know if I’m being selfish when I say that, I’m scared of what I am and what I will become. Of what my brothers became (hopping from job to job with minimal qualifications and barely any life experience to back it up) I’m afraid I’ll end up like them with kids and have no opportunities and that the girlfriend I have now will realise and leave me for a better person, I have no idea where to turn or what to do and I have the feel that anyone I talk to is either not experienced enough or not well versed in what I want to do in life, although I have never tried to talk to anybody besides my mother (since my dad isn’t around, he’s in the army and when I do see him I don’t want to sour the mood with it and just think I should be having a good time when I’m with him since he’s never been good at giving advice, although he is a good comforter which is where I get it from I guess) So I want to know if I should see a therapist or if someone here could help me.
I have no idea what kind of career I want to have, I have no aspirations either, and the only thing I like to do is have fun with friends and make people laugh. I play video games and usually I enjoy them (since I play some pretty hard-core gamer stuff) and I like to think of myself as a competent gamer. I really like the idea of recording myself playing video games and just commentating on them and seeing what people think, but I don’t think I have the voice or the face for it, and I'm scared of what people will think of me. I don't 100% trust my friends opinions either since they like to say nice things to my face then turn around and say "just kidding banter" and I know that's not a "true friend" but I get why they do it so I'm not too bothered. I have money in my bank (around £400) and I have a birthday (as I've said) coming up and usually get around £200 for it as my parents and family members never know what to buy me.
The real problem I face is my motivation, it's motivation to do everyday things like washing up or walking the dog, but I find it hard to commit something that may or may not destroy or shape my life forever. Like when I said "I love you" to my girlfriend I was terrified of what might happen if she didn't think the same way or if I said it too early... So I thought to myself "oh I didn't mean it". Which was just terrible of me. I'm still with her today and she's the only one to tell me my problems to my face and it makes me love her even more but I feel like I do take her for granted and it's scaring me that this is the kind of person that I am and always will be because she doesn't even give me a chance to make it up to her and let me change.
And my other problem and the one that I have been facing for almost 3 years now, is what I want to do in the future... I have no clue what I'm doing what I want to work towards. I can't tell the difference between a hobby and a potential career opportunity. What I want to do is make people laugh (or at least what I tell myself and to others to make me seem sweet or something) and what I want to do is use the money I'm going to get for my birthday and ALL the money I have saved up in the bank to buy a gaming PC and use that for my work and career, but that will be the BIGGEST leap in my entire life and I don't know if I want to or even can take that chance. But it's something I really want to do and the only thing that I have been even remotely interested in. But I don't know if I even deserve that chance since I have never tried at anything in my life (unless it involved a video game) and I have no idea what I'm gonna do if I don't do something soon.