Confused and rejected
I really need advice and I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone I know. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and it is my best relationship ever, we are affectionate, supportive and have a lot of fun together. But my boyfriend has no interest in having sex with me. We have talked about working on it a lot over the years but after each talk he has sex with me once and then loses interest again. I've tried researching the problem, I've tried being sexy or wearing lingerie, getting fitter and taking care of my appearance, everything- but he dosnt even notice my appearance. We get told that we are a good looking couple and I get male attention when I am out with the girls but just not from him. It's not physical because he is terrible at hiding his love of porn and he even agreed it could be part of the problem and agreed to cut down but it hasn't helped. Do I stay with someone I love dearly and give in to a life of feeling unattractive and unsexy? Can I do something different or am I doing something wrong? I would really love to hear everyone's opinion..
From what you describe you are in a loving and good relationship. My advice to you is to do everything you can to save it. You are not doing anything wrong and from how you describe yourself you seem to be an attractive woman. You have not done anything wrong and by the looks of it you wont be able to save your relationship by turning your loving boyfriend into a stud. He is very affectionate you say and and supportive, he just cant set the bed on fire if you get my drift. He likes to watch porn but is not able to turn all that sexual energy into your benefit. A logical conclusion would be that he is passive and probably a voyeur. He likes to watch the act rather than engage in it. There is nothing freaky or creepy about this.
Instead of buying lingerie and lighting scented candles in the bedroom you should sit him down and have a heart to heart. Ask him if he is a voyeur and if he rather likes to watch . If he gets embarrassed and denies, dont give up. Make him watch while you, not being disrespectful here, perform for him. Watch his real physical reaction, a man cant lie when it comes to that sort of thing. He can deny it till kingdom come but you will know better. And you should act upon that knowledge.
If he says yes then you can have your cake and eat it. I gave the same advice to another lady who has a husband lacking sex drive. My advice to her was to have hot steamy affairs outside her marriage whilst not keeping any secrets from her loving and passive husband. I have no idea whether she will listen or not by my advice to you is the same. Explain to your boyfriend that you love him and that you guys are great together but also tell him that you cant live in a sexless relationship. That a part of you will die. He has a choice to make: he either supports you in your adventures on the side or you move on. His reward would be that he gets to watch, i leave the details to your imagination. But he should be rewarded, no incentive no cooperation.
Nobody should ever sacrifice their sexual pleasure and happiness because of other people. Fancy talk about love and not getting your sexual fill in life being not that important, because after all a relationship is not only about sex is it, will only lead to resentment, bitterness and cheating. Its just a matter of time. With cheating comes lies and once lies enter your relationship you are dealing with cancer. It will eat through your whole relationship and none of the beautiful things that you describe now and love about your relationship will remain. Just a husk.
So again, you are not doing anything wrong and you are more than enough for him. You say that this is your best relationship ever and i think you should fight for it. That may take some unusual methods but we are not in the 50s anymore. Mr and Mrs Rogers are long dead and buried and too be frank with you they were all cheating back then anyway. Its 21st century and a lot of old garbage taboos have to be thrown away. They were all based on lies and deceit. A new relationship paradigm is required. The new mantra should be tailor made.
Or you can ignore what i have said. There will be some fortune cookie advice about how you should dump his sorry behind and that steamy hot sex is just around the corner in the shape of a wedding ring and some Parisian dirty weekend. Prince charmings all lined up from coast to coast dying to make your dreams come true,its just up to you to let them. Me thinks not. Plenty of manipulative and abusive toads out there. If you have something that is generally good, keep it and fight for it.
Your decision lady. Your boyfriends condition wont last forever. He will eventually grow out of it and at some point he wont able to keep his hands off you. But till then you have a choice to make. Be creative or be destructive. If you want we can keep this discussion going, if not i wish you the best in your coming struggles.
Hi , I am only 18 but I have been with my boyfriend for a year and I have been having similar problems. He wants us to watch porn together and although I am certain that he does not watch it alone I do worry about this. He has always been very sexually excitable shall we say but recently he gets all nervous and never seems to want to have sex? I wasn't quite sure why and did similar things that you did, I thought that he must not be attracted to me but after sitting down and talking with him I found out that he just gets nervous because we don't get a lot of privacy and always have to worry about the door opening as we are living in a shared house with no locks.. Yeah I know.. But the point is that although I still worry about it I found that he is always eager to do other things so until we move out that's how we are coping, I hope you realise your self worth and believe it's not you ,sometimes it's just their problem and there is nothing you can do. Don't give up on your relationship it sounds like you have a really great one
May I ask your ages? (Not that is matters that much)
You want a full, complete, solid relationship. This man does not give you that. He's not going to "grow out of this" either. He has intimacy issues and sex drive issues. He sexuality is at a fantasy level - to the degree of addiction.
- And it hurts you and drives you crazy.
Why settle for that?
Yup, I'm saying go find yourself the full enchilada.
"Why settle for that?
Yup, I'm saying go find yourself the full enchilada. "
Yes, Rejected, it's all very sad and we all feel sorry for your boyfriend that in this one area he is dysfunctional and that it happens to be one of THE BIGGIES. Regular sexual interaction is moreover what provides the distinction between a platonic and a romantic relationship. In fact, I read your post and thought, 'No, it is your best *friendship* ever!'. With that the case, and whatever other agendas, it's understandable you'd want to persevere. But you're not here to be someone's compensation or concession. Because - WHAT ABOUT *YOU*?
You call this opinion selfish and cynical or accept that it's just realistic and pragmatic. That after 4 long years you choose to describe yourself, in terms of the overall effect this relationship has on you, as REJECTED says it all, don't you think? How are you going to feel after 8 years?....16?.....32?...
You can TELL yourself you can continue to live with this but you'd merely be kidding yourself (a source of human misery second only to having zero options). To feel the love additionally through your *physical* portals (so to speak) is crucial to your welfare; romantic love is incomplete without the marriage between its two sides, psychological + physical (or, if you prefer, call it words *plus deeds*). And until your boyfriend seeks OFF HIS OWN BAT to get himself sorted out, he not *fit* to offer himself up as any adult's relationship partner any more than a man who can't swim is fit to become a member of the Olympic 100m Butterfly squad. (So why did he even apply and then initially - and lately, intermittently yet fleetingly - try to pass himself off as normal/qualified?)
He needs a *Like* - a woman whom likewise can't function sexually because likewise porn became *her* overriding imprint and trigger from an early age. Then she'll feel she's got a really fair and tailor-made deal, rather than increasingly, inexorably cheated, missing out and denied her birthright... in fact, she'll feel like she's won the damn lottery!
And when I say 'missing out', I'm not talking about "sex". Sex is what two people who *don't* love each other have. I'm talking Love-Making...two people *using* the act of sex - being *capable* of using the act of sex - as a vehicle for transporting the otherwise intangible portion of that "crazy little thing called LOVE" in a simultaneous-two-way-street stylee (there's nothing to beat it!).
That's not you. Neither would it make you some sort of giant cow for realising you *can* have the full Monty/enchilada, saying to bf, 'thank-you but no thank-you' (proposing pure friendship instead following a suitable mourning period), and continuing your walk up the pick-up leg of the TogetherForever path.
Furthermore, if we all believed what is actually nothing more than a mass fear of the myth variety, we'd all be with the wrong partner, having settled out of that fear of never finding anything better, with society thereby reduced to an outright hell-hole full of constantly frustrated, miserable, highly snappy people. There *are* plenty of fish in the sea; there *is* someone for everyone - and more than just the one! Were there not, there would be nothing to prevent ones supposedly one-and-only soulmate from happening to have been born (and, prior to long-distance transport, forever stuck) on the other side of the world, meaning, too many soulmates would never have ended up meeting and the human race would have died out by now (think about it).
You just just have to genuinely *want* that perfect (-for-you) relationship. That's the only qualifier for attracting one. *Keeping* it is a different matter entirely, granted, that part boiling down to your knowing how to behave around and treat another person when they're with you up-close-and-personal practically 24/7 (or merely in a way that happens to suit them in particular because of how *they* were taught to interact and relate). It's the only hard part of the process, but at least it's something that *is* within your control. Plus, it's not that difficult anyway.
So..."Can I do something different or am I doing something wrong?"
YES, you're doing something wrong. You're considering settling when you don't have to. WHY are you? Why on earth?! Simply to avoid a (relative to your lifespan) short burst of grieving? Isn't that you giving the next however many months paramount importance over the next however many decades? Is that intelligent or sensible?
Your boyfriend needs a spell in the human workshop to get certain parts of his engine cleaned and oiled or replaced so that he works in line with how he was originally designed to. Cease making that seem unnecessary and you'll be doing him a giant favour rather than what you're currently doing.....Enabling. And if nothing you've done so far has worked to make him admit he has a significant problem (despite it was never *your* onus to lift a finger in the first place), then maybe, just maybe, the experience of losing you as his girlfriend might be the wake-up call he needs. (That's usually how it works with those very stubborn types anyway.)