Living my life in regret
Hello everyone im 20 years old currently..When i was 12 years old i had a huge opportunity to change my life..I accidentaly participated in school athletic competitions in pole vault track and field..I ended up beating everyone and eventually let me see how far i can go..Trainers were astonished from what they saw a kid with no training and education whatsoever beating everyone..They approached my dad to sign me in their teams and told him to get me to an athletics school in order to study and train at the same time..My dad was so happy and proud but i did let him down.I was young stupid selfish and foolish i ended up quitting despite the fact that i won 4 gold medals afterwads in the period of 1 year..I wanted to play football YAAAAAAAY every kids dream.When i turned 18 i realised my mistake and started track and field again but this time at 100m and 200m respectively..Truth be told i loved every bit of it i truly wanted this and i started training seriously but i had moderate to little success now at my early 20s i asked my father to come and see me racing today he refused obviously stating that he lost any kind of interest since i gave up back then stating that the only way he will come and see me is if i bring him a reason to huge record or a gold medal to justify my stupidity of throwing up a huge career..i saw in his eyes the pain and the regret and frankly i felt devastated aswell..Everyone choice i made was wrong and now at my youth i feel like a total loser seeing all the people at my age being succesful having Girlfriends/boyfriends being happy with their lives and myself??Well i wake up every morning hating what i see in the mirror being alone no girlfriends whatsoever and trying so hard to do something meaningful in track and field the one thing i love..My dad used to care a lot but he lost all his faith after i quit and somewhere along the line i lost myself aswell..I wish i could go back and tell myself what i know now but that kind of things only occur in movies..Every day i live in regret having lost my father and myself..Sorry for saying my problems but i had no other place to express myself..
It wasn't a mistake. You weren't SUPPOSED to be starting your career at the piddly age of 12. You were supposed to be getting interested in girls and mates and having fun and conducting self and social experiments all over the shop in order to first work out WHO YOU WERE before deciding where you should best be plonked.
Let him down, my arse. What you 'let down' wasn't even his to 'put up' in the first place. You're not mini-him. Not in that way, anyway. Not his own second chance to "be something". Tough tittie, dad, that's the way the only part-baked cookie inevitably crumbles if you take the thing out of the oven so prematurely.
So that's that bit dealt with; what's next?
"i asked my father to come and see me racing today he refused obviously stating that he lost any kind of interest since i gave up back then stating that the only way he will come and see me is if i bring him a reason to huge record or a gold medal to justify my stupidity of throwing up a huge career."
My face right now ---> :-o
My words right now: "EH!????"
My message to your dad: Oh, cease making excuses and grow up!!
My message to you: You're not a loser. You're forging your OWN path. That's winner behaviour, that is... despite you're so far only on the first few feet of that path thus expecting full results (cough!) prematurely. If anything, your dad having tried to push you too prematurely onto a certain path is what bloody DELAYED your getting back in that saddle! Maybe if he'd left you alone and not been a pushy parent, thought to ASK you what YOU wanted at that point, you'd have returned to the track WAY sooner than you did.
Pff. He's angry at *himself* but daren't admit it. Let him get on with it.
I'm not surprised you can't excude the happy vibes that attract romantically as well as platonically, what with you being slathered in your dad's issues as if they're YOUR problem. No, they are not. Throw off that veil of dad conflicts so that your happy vibes can get out and about, finally.
Your dad cares, yes, but he can't feel or express it because he's just too overly busy regretting his OWN mistakes and missed chances and mentally-lazily blaming YOU for (pff!) not having gone against your own birthrights in order to fulfil those old urges/ambitions of his. But if you're supposedly nothing more than Dad Mark 2 then I think the LEAST he can do is put that money where his mouth is and sign his house, bank account and assets over to you, don't you? :-p
He'll get over it. Quicker if you give him a wide berth (as in, Dad, I reject *you*, actually!...for being a fair-weathered tw*t!). And then he'll come back all apologetic and tail between his legs, having again remembered what's IMPORTANT in this world.
In short,  cease letting yourself be dragged into your dad's mid life crisis and  put that incredible independence of mind to use, finally. You clearly didn't ever need a dad and were your own dad, plus his coming back is inevitable, so... don't waste time sweating it.
Here... You're not doing what he obviously always tends to do and blaming your dad for something else entirely, are you???
Whatever.... "all the people at my age being succesful having Girlfriends/boyfriends being happy with their lives and myself??" Stick around here for a few months and I think you'll find that, contrary to their seemingly shiny veneers, they're actually NOT. And at 20? They're not supposed to be, either. Yet.