My boyfriend and I keep fighting and I'm so confused
Hi I am very confused I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and only the last few weeks we have started fighting like crazy. He has just started a new job and he has been unemployed for almost two years and said the new job is taking a toll on him and he hates it. I am really worried about him and I keep trying to cheer him up and offer him advice but he just keeps getting cross with me. He is a wonderful guy truly you couldnt meet a nicer person but all this stress is getting to me. I feel like I cant do right and Im worried because we have had literally one of those perfect relationships for the last year,no fighting and just wrapped up in each other completely spending every minute together. I think its just the stress of his new job and the fact that we are living in his mothers house sharing a single bed but I want some advice because I think its just that we need our own space but hes never shouted at me before and I get very upset because I dont like that side of him or of me. I love him so much so please give me some advice because Im a wreck.
"he new job is taking a toll on him and he hates it"
Well, then, you already KNOW why he's like a bear with a sore head. Because he feels (job-wise) TRAPPED.
Ever tried cheering up a bear with a sore head? You get nothing but whacked with a ruddy great paw. So if you don't like getting whacked, cease trying to cheer up an effing grumpy and miserable bear. Simples! Yes?
Here's the key: POW! is just Ow! with Pretense/Pretension (P) in front of it. He has no problem with you. He JUST HAS A PROBLEM. But if he won't let you help him (and - only 1 year in - who said you even should?) then let him sort HIMSELF out whilst you meanwhile keep your head out of paw's reach.
Thank you for replying SOULMATE. I do understand that he would be grumpy but he was like this for a couple of weeks before he got the job and he said that was because he didn't have one and know that he does he's even worse, I just want to know why it's all directed at me? The person he says he loves most in the world? I'm just so upset.. I'm unsure what to do.
Well, then, it sounds like whenever stress hits a critical quantum, your boyfriend becomes what I call a cat-kicker.
Is he taking his moodies out on you because you let him? What do you do if ever he says something snappy or snidey? Do you say, 'I will not be spoken to like this by you or anyone but *especially* not you of all people!' and leave the room, thereafter going all distant and formal on him whilst directing your attention onto pleasing distractions until he eventually cracks and apologises? Or do you burst satisfyingly into tears and mewl, 'Whyyy are you being so meeean to meeee?'? Or do you retaliate and try to give as good as you get?
It must surely be the last one, as escalates the clash into a full-blown argument, or else there couldn't be any "fighting like crazy", could there?
OR...would he be okay where it not for the fact you're the type who insists he talk to you and tell you how he's feeling so that you can play personal therapist or agony aunt?
Or is he just part angel, part w**ker? If so, what's the ratio in percentages? - 70% angel/30% beelzebub? 80/20? 90/10?
Also, what's he like towards his mother? Have you ever seen him to try to take his moodies out on her? If so, what does she do, how does she react?
PS: How on EARTH can two people share a single bed?! Do either of you actually manage to get any sleep?
Well SOULMATE it's normally a mix between me crying and saying why are you treating me this way and shouting a little but more like shrieking. I mean I just try to help him because he often gets confused about things and he asks me for my help and the gets mad when I try and comfort him even though he told me to. No he's definitely not a bad guy . He's good to his mother they weren't very close before I met my boyfriend. We have no money and his mom has no other room for us , I mean the single bed can be hard but space can be a problem and it ends up meaning we need more space in the relationship. He takes it out on her far less often. I sleep well some nights.
Do not cry and definitely don't shriek or you're giving him EXACTLY what he wants - which is someone to have a fight with so that he can expend all that negative banked-up tension. You are not a negative emotions discharging tool that activates whenever the right button is pushed. You're going to end up KNACKERED!
Next time he tries to lure you in by seeming to ask nicely and politely for you to get involved, say, 'No because we already KNOW how that ends up, don't we? You feeling better but me feeling like crap, or you feeling better because someone else is now equally as miserable as you. I'm not playing that stupid game any more, thanks. Try your mum. Or better yet, the person at work who put you IN this state to begin with!'. Because I will bet you all the tea in China that the reason he hates his job is because of someone he has to work with who's making his life a misery.
There just isn't any NEED to get upset because it's nothing to do with you or what you've done/not done/said/not said, he's just using you as an emotional teething ring. Because he thinks he CAN, because if you get upset he feels less like a powerless wimp at the mercy of everything and everyone (unlike at work), because (I'm betting) his mum refuses to get drawn in (hence no point any more in trying) and he doesn't have anyone else bar you and the pair of you are too close from being constantly in each other's faces, and because (again, I'm betting) he has 'too much' testosterone and nowhere else to put it.
On the surface, he probably THINKS he wants your help each time but then, as you both later find out, no he doesn't or it doesn't do the trick because, being a daily thus renewed problem, it's not something that talking can put paid to anyway, which makes him feel even worse than he did to begin with. So issue that little speech before calmly and dignifiedly exiting the room. If you do those two things each and every time and he still wants and expects you to play agony aunt or listening ear, he'll in future have to promise faithfully to exert a bit of self-control to keep it mature and civil, won't he, or else just end up watching your back disappear out of the room YET AGAIN. Nobody but NOBODY keeps doing something if it yields no return or a return that's completely different to the one they were after.
In short, he's basically just going, HELP MEEE, I FEEL SO SH*T! Only, you can't. Only he can. It's called, get off your arse and find another job, one that makes you HAPPY and doesn't give you endless hassle that you then bring home to your nearest and dearest.
Not sleeping well some nights would definitely greatly exacerbate or even CAUSE his bad moods (*and* your susceptibility and vulnerability) so I suggest one of you should every other night sleep on the floor (assuming there's a spare duvet or blankets?) or on the sofa. Even one night on and night off would be an improvement by way of creating a bit of distance...And I say this because you obviously *are* very close but he doesn't realise that that closeness doesn't give him the right to smash *negative* boundaries as well as positive (the ones you *have* sanctioned). Alternatively, he needs to do some exercise so that he discharges all the negative energy that way.
You could always *shag* it out of him. But then, you can't live your life having sex for other-person anger management reasons, can you.
On that note, however, I have to ask - especially given your homelife set-up: are you and he having enough? Because that could be adding to his tension?
Here is my opinion. What you are going through is very normal for young couples. For some its the story of their lives and they continue this pattern till the day they die. Hopefully you and boyfriend will manage to get out of this pattern but both of you have to make concerted efforts otherwise your relationship wont last long.
You see what you are experiencing is a very common problem, for the male of our species. I used to be one. I am a man now because i made enormous efforts to improve myself. Your boyfriend is not there yet.Living up to being a man is extremely difficult, that's why most males never bother to become one. A lot of males think they are men when in matter of fact its just some rooster posturing and crotch grabbing act they put on. In doing so they cheat themselves out of their great potentials and become a source of destructive power. One of the manifestations of male destructive behavior is the urge to take it out on those that cant retaliate. Women, children, animals etc etc. Its a pretty safe option, for them that is.
Your boyfriends anger comes from his impotence in life in general and at work in particular. According to you he is constantly stressed and that he was out of work for 2 years. That must have made a dent in his confidence as a male. Most males will sink into depression or destructive and abusive behavior during long periods of unemployment. Another hallmark is cheap cynicism and a lot of unnecessary sarcastic remarks. If you have been exposed to any of these you must know what i am talking about. He must also feel responsible for your relationships future and well being as well as its shortcomings and the fact that you live at his moms place. All of this probably eats way at him and diminishes his male ego. Makes him feel he cant provide, is unable to make a positive change and adds to the feeling of being useless and impotent. Just remember fear is what causes aggression. Fear comes out of ignorance. When you dont know whats causing you to feel afraid and insecure you just lash out. Sorting out the problem in a logical and creative way requires a lot of insight and knowledge and as i have mentioned most males dont graduate to that next level. What do they do instead? Take the easy way out, let the caveman come out and take it out on those who cant retaliate. The biological stuff takes over. The problem is that you have become a target. And this is the 21st century. We are supposed to be civilized and to solve our problems in a better way.
In my opinion that's what causes be causes his behavior. If you want to solve the problem you have to figure out the cause of it. What to do then?
As a female you should immediately stop doing what you have been doing so far. You are just exacerbating the problem. He needs to grow up and become a man. You cant do that for him. It will happen gradually and maybe you will be there to see for yourself or maybe you have decided to move on. It his decision to become a man, not yours. This is very important to remember.
Every time you try to please him and ask him whats wrong and treat him like a hurt little boy who needs a shoulder to cry on he is diminished as a male. He doesn't see it as an act of kindness on your part and just focuses on the feeling of being belittled. That leads to him resenting you and that chip on his shoulder gets bigger and bigger. See how it works? Instead of focusing on himself and sorting out his own problems he just projects perceived wrongdoings onto you.Deep down he wants to be the problem solver and be the rock for you but through his immaturity and lack of experience the roles are reversed. As a female this is not a healthy dynamic for you. The kinda feelings you have toward him now are reserved for your children, your siblings and your friends not for your other half. Women become extremely resentful and some give in to hate even when they have to extend those feelings to their man. A female can not solve a males problems, nature never intended it that way. It is a myth and a male wishful fantasy that women should be there for them to sort out their problems. It just does not work that way. Our DNA and biological set up rejects and refutes this irrational fantasy.
Stop giving advice and most important of all, stop cheering him up. Cheering up is one of the worst things you can do to an afraid and insecure, irritable male who is fumbling in the dark for some answers. They just double down on their behavior out of destructive stubbornness .Just leave him alone and stop pandering to his moods. He needs some growing up to do, on his own. All you can do as a female is to be there for him physically and to be tender towards him. Don't let the cold despair creep between you too and keep the intimacy going. Bring it back to the basics and concentrate on simple physical stuff, touching, holding hands and hugging etc etc.
Here is the most important part. You need to confront him about his abusive behavior. You need to gain his respect and to show him that you are no walkover. You need to show him that you are in charge of your own life and not just an appendage of his. Let him know that you are aware of your own worth and that you wont put up with abusive behavior. Look him straight in the eye and tell him that you are aware that he is under a lot of stress and that you do appreciate his efforts. Whilst fixing his gaze you tell him, no pleading no asking him to hear you out, in a calm and collected manner that the shouting, arguments and self pity have to stop. You tell him that you are willing a give it a go and that you are willing to work things out but it takes 2 to do so. Ask him if he is willing to make the effort. If all fails at least you know you tried and that you did everything you could.
If he refuses to improve his behavior, rejects your proposal and continues down the current path then my advice would be to leave. Don't think about it just leave. Some people are just not reasonable and cant be reached. If he is one of them you will be wasting your life being in this relationship. I hope i have been of some assistance to you and wish you good luck in your coming struggles.If you wish to keep the discussion going i will try to respond as best as i can.Take care.
Thanks guys I really appreciate your advice and I have honestly listened to the points ye made and I fully agree with what ye have said. I will work on things and try to fix them unfortunatly I just feel abit like Ive lost my freedom and I was only 17 and getting into a very serious relationship and I do fear that perhaps sometime in the future I would resent him for this. Im so scared that the love and desire we have had this last year may fade because I always worry that he could cheat on me because hes been acting so shady and I mean thats ridiculous isnt it. I mean I do fully trust him he would never do that but lately Ive become so stressy and my confidence is gone. I feel like I gave up so much and what did he even give up? I gave up all the things I love to spend more time with him but he still gets to do all that he loves but if I had my own hobbies he was always all sad and saying he missed me so I felt bad and now hes saying he never wanted me to give up anything and I do believe that but on some level Im worried. I just want to know how we can go back to how we used to be and be happy all the time and forget about everyone else because now we carry all of their problems and me and my mum have a very bad relationship now because she abused me and every time I let her back in she tries to break us up ,I only want her advice but everytime I fight with my boyfriend she uses it as an excuse to try and get me away from him. Because I was abused I dont tend to trust people and I dont want it to ruin my relationship with my guy..
I know hes the one and he is amazing..