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My boyfriend and I are not seeing eye to eye

Posted by
FRUSTRATED0913
on May 11 2015 at 00:19
Member since: 10 May 2015
Relationship advice I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have a 10 year age gap difference, him being older. When we first got together he had mentioned to me this girl he previously hooked up with continues to text him, telling him she would like to still hook up. My best friends brother was dating this girl at one point and ended up cheating on him with my now boyfriend. My bestfriend was out at the bar with us one night and was taking pictures with my boyfriend and of course posted them on social media just like everyone else. I had seen that this girl had liked the picture. Deep down inside it made me sad an pssed me off. I had a talk with my boyfriend about this and how it was upsetting me and he basically told me to not worry about anything I shouldn't be pissed but he is still friends with her. He said that she does know about us, he has told her several times. I'm the type of person to never look through a phone, but something told me one day while he was in the shower to look. I did. I saw her text feed to him telling him that she wants to have sex with him and he didn't mention me once. He just kept trying to change the subject like he never saw the text. This made me extremely upset but I couldn't confront him about it because I was being sneaky and looking through his phone. Mind you my boyfriend now is working an awful job and needs to get out of where is at now. The girl who texts him these things is actually a supervisor at a local business and she is able to get him a job there no questions asked so he is going to go for it. I expressed to him that this bothered me because I'm not quite sure what she is capable of. She cheated on her boyfriend with you a couple years back what makes me feel like she won't try this again. Being a woman myself I know when women want something we will get it no matter the circumstances. I have had 2 of my ex's cheat on me and result in pregnancy when I was with them. It just makes me a little apprehensive about this whole him working with her thing. He was really rude about this being brought up again and said I basically have to find a way to deal with it because he does not want this conversation to come up again. Again I looked through his phone and saw a text from her saying she was drunk and wanted to know if he wanted to come over and hang out on the couch and listen to music. The response from him was that he didn't want to cheat on his girlfriend but probably will come over and she responded with I don't want you to either. The fact that he even had to mention that to her makes me beyond upset. I don't have any friends that when they invite me to come over I have to tell them that no sexual interaction is going to take place. Again j could not tell him how upset I was because i took it upon myself to be sneaky. Just last night my boyfriend and I are out at the bar and she shows up. Mind you I've never met this woman. I was inside hanging out with my boyfriends brother and a mutual friend. My boyfriend came up to me and said " I was going to introduce to her but I thought that it might be awkward" I said who? He replied with "the girl names" I became instantly irritated and said " thank you because I have nothing nice to say to her" he said " I know" as I come outside to smoke a cigarette I See him sitting outside with her and her friends. I basically hung out with his brother last night more than my own boyfriend. Later in the night a few of my friends came down to the bar and I was sitting with them texting my bestfriend about how upset I was. I was showing my boyfriend something in my phone and I looked away for one moment and he saw the thread between us. I wasn't mad that he saw it because there was nothing in there I wouldn't have said straight to his face when we were not at a bar. So he said that he was going to text me why he was sitting with them, why he couldn't have just told me? Beyond me. So some BS text comes through and we end up talking about it later when everything dies down at the bar. He states that this girl came with another one of his good friends new girl friend that he has yet to meet and she wanted them to come and sit with them. The seating arrangement was my boyfriends friend him, this new friends girlfriend, then this girl I have a problem with. When the new girlfriend got up to use the rest room she insisted that my boyfriend sat next to this girl because he knew her and didn't want it to be awkward, even though he was already sitting next to one of his best friends. Why he told me all of the seating arrangements is beyond me.i just want to know why the fuck I was ignored for 2 hours after I had expressed to him that I was upset she was even there. He continued to tell me that I need to stop making him feel bad when he did nothing wrong. We went to bed in separate rooms and of course this was the hot topic again this morning. I woke up so hurt and distraught I couldn't think of anything to say or even feel I just knew I was so upset. So he basically gave me and ultimatum over text. Either I get over this whole thing and we move forward or we cannot be together. That made me feel even worse. I don't want to have to tell him who to be friends with and who not to be but this girl is really not someone I want around my boyfriend. The fact that he still allows her to text him and say that she wants to fuck him pisses me off. Kind of makes me feel worthless. That his friendship with her is more important and I have to live with the fact that he never tells me when she texts him and what she says.

I don't know where I should go from here.

My boyfriend and I are not seeing eye to eye
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on May 11 2015 at 12:42
Member since: 19 August 2014
So RIGHT from the word Go your boyfriend was trying to make you insecure and clingy by oh-so-(cough!)-helpfully and -honestly informing you that you had a competitor to his affections.

That, Frustrated0913, is the mark of an highly insecure and lazy or over-entitled and lazy man who wishes to cut wooing corners by making you cling tighter to him than you would otherwise, out of sense of threat (that if ever you weren't attentive enough, another woman would be able to steal him from under your nose). That way he doesn't have to cultivate in you a sense of natural attachment by working on you the NICE AND IMPRESSIVE way, i.e. Wooing you. It's called, levelling the playing field: HE feels unsafe and, rather than making you cling out of love, makes you cling out of fear and possessiveness. Result: he feels clung-to thus SAFE. In his case, not just safe from ever being rejected but also safe to do what the hell he damn well pleases and SOD how YOU feel as a result.

UGH!

This female friend is highly naive and has zero inkling that she's being nothing but USED as his tool with which to emotionally manipulate you into being extra loving and attentive towards him, i.e. him getting the perks without having to do the pre-corresponding WORK. This he does by encouraging her in subtle ways followed by equally subtly failing to discourage her when she then tries to bring to fruition what she's been led to believe is their potential as a future couple. What I mean is, a man who didn't *like* that kind of supposedly uninvited come-on would respond with a text containing a ticking-off, not fail to respond to it yet continue chatting.

No, he ISN'T just using her on the job front because by your own admission she was in the picture even BEFORE then, when you and he first got together. He's using her for BOTH. Buy One, Get One Free.

"Being a woman myself I know when women want something we will get it no matter the circumstances."

Er, no. Not when success relies utterly on another individual's consent and that other individual won't give it, they don't. Men are not mindless and easily-led puppets. And this supervisor is not the one in the wrong here. She owes you nothing. It's your BOYFRIEND who should be keeping her away from the pair of you and your relationship.

"I have had 2 of my ex's cheat on me and result in pregnancy when I was with them. It just makes me a little apprehensive about this whole him working with her thing."

Well, then, you've obviously jumped into this relationship too early whereby you haven't yet examined those ex relationships in hindsight to work out all the genuinely identificatory signs and characteristics belonging to types who cheat at life and games in order that you can in future give them a wide berth. This means, you've gone from CHEATER TYPE to only marginally better, SEMI-CHEATER TYPE. If you'd instead taken longer to grieve and contextualise all the events of these ex relationships, your recovery path would have led you to where you'd have SKIPPED that "half-crap-half-better bloke" stage to BETTER/BEST.

Here's how a better/best thinks and acts:

"Who GIVES a sh*t that this woman who fancies me can POSSIBLY get me a better job?! One, I'm no retard, I am perfectly capable of getting another job on my own. And, two, anyone who upsets my woman and threatens my beautiful relationship can do a funny run 100 miles away from me because I am NOT going to allow anyone or any THING to ruin things!"

Is that him? NO! This is him:

"He was really rude about this being brought up again and said I basically have to find a way to deal with it because he does not want this conversation to come up again." and "...The response from him was that he didn't want to cheat on his girlfriend but probably will come over".

Of COURSE he doesn't want to deal with it. Because it's not a problem. FOR HIM. You? Who cares/tough tittie.

See? Neither a prince nor an *outright* scumbag. Something in between. But not even halfway, more like only one third better.

So SEMI-abusive HALF-scumbag is alright by you, is it? That's all you deserve in terms of boyfriend grade and you can't do better than that, can you not? Covered in scales and slime, are you?

In short, even ASIDE from this secret text exchange, you are continuing to be treated like your feelings don't matter and ignored for 2 hours BECAUSE YOU'RE TAKING IT RATHER THAN GETTING UP AND GOING HOME ALONE AND REFUSING TO HAVE ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH HIM UNLESS AND UNTIL HE STARTS TO BEHAVE LIKE AN EXCLUSIVE, COMMITTED (i.e. Steady) *BOYFRIEND*.

"That his friendship with her is more important "

You said it!

As for this? "He continued to tell me that I need to stop making him feel bad when he did nothing wrong." Tell him *I* said, 'F**K OFF, YOU POMPOUS, LYING, FUDGING, BET-HEDGING, SELFISH, SELF-CENTRED, EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE, USING TW*T!'.

"I don't know where I should go from here."

Yes you do. It starts with 'You're' and ends in 'fired!'.

""Being a woman myself I know when women want something we will get it no matter the circumstances."

Stop being a control freak who thinks she can "make him change". No, you can't. Only HE can do that and...he sees no reason to. Dump the dud so that he *does*. He then learns that if you treat your girlfriend like she and her feelings don't matter, YOU LOSE HER and some other lucky chap who even HAS IT IN HIM to appreciate her gets her.

He's using you to give himself a more attractive edge to boyfriend-stealers and using her to ensure you're too busy trying to win the competition to dump him.

Dump the dud, find your self-respect, vow that you'll never again settle for scum or semi-scum, let that genuine mindset exude through your vibes to where it can be 'read', and then wait for your prince to correspondingly walk in, read it, and pick you - his female counterpart. That's how it works. That simple. That's how people get princes and princesses. (Ain't rocket science.)

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