Cheating / STI
FIONA2505 - May 11 2015 at 10:33
Im a 22 yr old and my now ex partner just turned 24. We were together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. I recently found out that he had visited a sexual health clinic to get a sti test, which was positive. When confronted about it he told me had slept with someone else in his car because we were on bad terms at the time. As u can imagine i was shocked and heartbroken. We had a home together my son asks wheres daddy im a wreck. he always made me feel like he would never do that to me as i have been cheated on before and given a sti. I love him but im hurt at the same time. Where do i go from here. What do i do
In his car? You mean, prostitute, I presume?
What do you
[a] feel like doing?
[b] believe you should be doing?
[c] think other self-respecting women in your position would be doing?
You can't very well explain a situation to your toddler as includes what will happen in the long-term permanent sense if you yourself don't know, can you. But FOR THE TIME BEING, you could explain to your toddler that because mummy and daddy keep arguing and can't yet fix the reasons behind why they keep arguing, you have both decided it would be best to try living in separate houses for a while (because you can't argue if you're not in the same place, can you), but that s/he'll still see and get to spend lots of time with daddy every week.
Saying that last bit, I presume you and your partner have already arranged temporary weekend or alternate weekend custody and a standing order on his part to pay you monthly Child Maintenance? If not, that's a priority. And if he fails to cooperate in terms of ongoing financial support, always paid promptly on the same date, that is when you contact the CSA so that he'll be forced to via his earnings being "attached" by court order.
He may be a sh*t husband but that doesn't have to affect your kid and neither is that fact any of your kid's business for the simple reason that your husband isn't your kid's wife, he's his dad. Their relationship is an entirely separate entity and you should leave your own personal feelings out of it (hard to do but still doable for the sake of your kids' welfare now and as an adult). And even if he is a sh*t dad, that's still a darn sight better than no dad (and even more so than a dad that doesn't want to have anything to do with you, his own kiddie).
However, there is still the issue of the STD. Legally, you could possibly sue him for damages under Personal Injury (the sex you had with him having been non-consensual given how you'd been kept unaware that he was infected as placed you at risk of such and would have allowed for refusal on your part). This depends on whether you can show that he already knew he was infected at the time he had sex with you, i.e. negligence or intentional wrongdoing on his part. But keep this one firmly under your hat as your ace card... say NOTHING to him about it.
Damages would be for psychological harm (pain and suffering plus reduction of your quality of life including future relationships) plus financial cost for treatment now and into the future, and any loss of wages due to inability or reduced ability to work as long or as hard. A Personal Injury solicitor will be able to spell it all out for you in greater detail.
....Unless by 'been cheated on before and given an sti' means you had been infected by a *previous* partner?
What's the STD and what country are you in?
Im still in shock about the whole thing im disgusted aswell as let down. All this time of lies and deception. The girl was an old friend he ran into when he was driving home from work they got talking he said she caught at a vulnerable time. Things werent great between we both work alot too and havent had much of a sexual life (which he hated). Ive been treated for the sti (chlamydia) we havent spoken since i found out and heard his explaination (yesterday). We will be coming to some sort of financial agreement for our son
That's right, you indeed haven't said. However, if you're too much in shock to know (because it's still too-early days) then I think you're being very sensible to take that hint from your own system and accordingly DO NOTHING (aside from matters regarding your son). We're not going anywhere/when you're ready...
It *is* shocking. Completely devastating. No matter their faults, even if moreover he was a d*ckhead, you probably at least thought he was LOYAL, that he was *your* d*ckhead, right? Would Invasion Of The Body Snatchers fit the description of how you're feeling?
Try not to worry, though. This happened for a reason and could very well be a blessing in disguise (usually is), despite whilst you're still in it it feels like hell-on-a-stick.
By the way: Caught him at a vulnerable time? Aww...., poor him! [puke]
*Did* he already know he was infected when he went and infected you?
Yes it is still early days im at a point where i need time. I do still love him but i hate was hes done to me, to us, 5 years gone just like that (were not married by the way). The past few weeks we havent had much sex and he always been wanting to use condoms (hes always been that way, not wanting us to get pregnant bu accident, being safe so i didnt think anything of it). He got tested two weeks prior to me finding out, he said he was going to tell me the day i actually found out). His mum has given me advice men will be men but dont ever cry over one or make them feel like you need them never say never. In time i will heal i hope anyway. Its the hardest thing ive ever had to go through
Yeah, I gathered you weren't legally married. Shame. You could be getting Interim Maintenance as well as kiddie maintenance.
Why weren't you on the pill? Did YOU want another kid?
Funny how he didn't think to use a condom with this other woman, isn't it. What a lovely specimen *she* must be to have had this STD yet still carrying on spreading around her infection! You SURE-sure-sure it was a female friend and not a prossie?
His mum-HIS MUM has given you advice and it basically boils down to, So what, that's men for ya? OLLOCKS!!! I rather think the whole problem here is he's NOT a man! Real men don't react to one or more problems in the marriage by swanning off to sh*g someone else. You have to be emotionally thick as pigsh*t to do that. Real men...ach, don't even get me started! She WOULD say that. She's trying to minimise the whole event (scared she'll lose contact with the kid, I shouldn't wonder) *and* give you a sense that it was somehow your fault for how you behaved and your attitude to your no. 1 relationship. NO, IT IS NOT. If there even *was* any cause for unhappiness or dissatisfaction in that 'marriage' then the proper, befitting, ADULT male response is this: "Houston, we have a problem", not, "Houston, I've blown up the entire space shuttle because it had a problem"!
What a crock.
But you still aren't making it clear whether he already knew (or even suspected) he had Chlamydia at the point where he (obviously sans condom) had sex with you. The answer to this question will be especially revealing in terms of what was what and what you should/shouldn't be doing from here on in.
His dad cheated on his mum.
Yeah i am on the pill but its not 100% effective which is why we sometimes you condoms. The past few weeks we havent had much sex and put that down to him grieving over the loss of a family member but i guess it was because he had an sti i also think thats why he claims he was going to tell me everything. I honestly dont think it was a prostitute no i guess she said all the right things and it happened i wish he was smarter to of just drove past her rather than stop and all the rest of it. I do agree with what your saying about his mum. Im no fool though. I have to put myself first. I havent told my side of the family yet because i know things will kick off
Hold your horses. I'm sure ordinarily you're NOT a fool but that doesn't mean you're not susceptible to almighty, stress-induced clouding and HOPE colouring your perception. You only have HIS word about the so-called fact that he was the poor vulnerable victim and she the predator. Could have been the other way round. Plus, as you've already established - "the lies and deceit". So what are the chances he's telling the truth rather than it being nothing more than his attempt to spin events in order to save face and present himself as somehow more forgiveable? He's a man, not a poor wickle victim of her compelling charms. It's called, NO, I'M MARRIED! (and let's not start arguing over technicalities because you can't get more married than having lived like you were whilst having produced a new human being together!). Plus, you only have his word that it was that specific woman.
Here's an interesting fact for you (which noddalotta people know): a lot of the time, when men stray like that, there ISN'T any actual problem with the relationship. They're just the over-entitled, egotistical type who want to sleep with another woman and think circumstances are such that they'll get away with it. Look at the evidence: had he NOT contracted an STD then chances are he would never have told you and you'd have been none the wiser. The reason he DID tell you was only because it would have been worse for him had the resultant STD itself that he'd passed onto you "told" you, whereas, guilty conscience + regret + feeling like a sh*t *is* as that little lot *DOES*, which is confesses and begs at your feet for your forgiveness (and proposes counselling and bloody anything else it takes) that same damn evening or the next day.
Also, how come a bloke who purports to be grieving even FEEL like having sex, let alone illicitly?
He's already shown you you can't trust him - because you did and look what happened.
Very glad to hear you're putting yourself first. And so you should because clearly the person charged with that has failed mightily. In fact, not just failed but has proven himself capable of being the very monster under the bed that he was supposed to always protect you (and your kiddie) from! But what do you mean, kick off? Do you have big, burly brothers who'll want to knock his block off? Would your family not respect your wishes if you were to tell them that you confiding in them was NOT tantamount to giving them control or carte blanche to actually wade in?
Yes very true. I could only take his word for it. Even if it wasnt a "prostitute" this situation is of what sounds like it to be fair, to through the relationship away just like that and then come home to us its sick! And the hiding it after is what hurts me the most. My family are not crazy no but they will be furious to know what hes done to me especially as they have always been fond of him hes one of those "ohh hes a decent guy though" kinda guys like if i tell them we had an argument or broke they'd say oh what did u do? So it will be a big shock to them once i tell them if i do choose to tell them the ins and outs. It just feels like a dream i cant believe how cruel the situation is. It kills
Definitely sick, you're not wrong there.
Oh. You have a sneaky-clean, butter-wouldn't-melt, public veneer merchant. I see. Well, tough tittie to him and tough tittie to your family that they got conned alongside you by that carefully crafted illusion of his. He has now shat (diarrhea) on his own doorstep in a way that cannot possibly be denied or glossed over. LET them be furious (and enlightened). As it should be! Big Fat Whoops to him, then. He obviously isn't a marathon actor (who is?), meaning, it was always just going to be a matter of time before his pants fell down and you got to see his a*se.
And don't you worry about looking like a failure. You have done nothing wrong that could possibly have justified his having stabbed you with a 12-inch blade through your heart and brain. Just because it's the psychological/intangible version, just because there aren't any EMOTIONAL courts (yet) (they're in blueprint stage, stop-press-stop-press!), doesn't make it any less of a serious crime. If he'd actually stabbed you in the physical sense, he'd have already been sent down by now for a 35-year stretch.
Frankly, what with their having bought his act enough even to have demonstrated disloyalty towards you (or is it the other way around?), I'm highly surprised you can even WAIT to tell them how wrong they always were. And I also imagine that having so many times tried to solicit their healthy feedback regarding prior disagreements yet having got nothing but a TWISTED reality response wrapped with an implicational message that YOU were the crazy or unreasonable one, this "marriage" has lasted far longer than it otherwise might have. Is that right?
"It just feels like a dream i cant believe how cruel the situation is. It kills"
Yep. It's The Matrix. And you've just woken up to find yourself wired to it. And I'm very sure that an awful lot of men and women are right now reading this and agreeing most vehemently and sympathetically with you, as well. I've known some men and women who've ended up for 6 months to a year in the funny farm because of it, no bull. But you sound like a strong'un so, don't worry about that. It's NOT the end of the world, it's the start of the rainbow to the pot of gold. You have to trust me on that. Think childbirth.
So the good news is, you adapt to and get your head around it like we humans adapt to everything else and have been for eons. And then you come out of it stronger, wiser and - more importantly - a less immediately trusting and gullible individual. (A strong'un also manages to come up smelling of roses whilst the perp is the one who slides down the drain where he always belonged.) You will in future METE OUT your trust, bit-by-bit, in direct relation and reaction to a meting out of substantiable, corroborate-able *trustworthiness*. Your new motto should be (ref Eliza Doolittle), 'Don't tell me - SHOW ME!'. Alternatively (or simultaneously), with your new-found strength you'll attract and bond with a male counterpart - a TRULY nice guy (because his moral fibre matches yours pretty much exactly) and one you'll be truly happy with, Amen.
The alternative is you stay and forgive - assuming he SEEKS your forgiveness, that is (- Don't tell me, show me!). But that depends on the question Susiedqq asked you, which is, "Does he lie and deceive often? Is this the final straw? ".
It's beginning to sound like the answer to that is, yes. But take your time, talk the clouding out. The answers (and pure reality) *will* come to you.... In which case, Mr Itchy-Scratchy should be quaking in his boots already. What I mean is, the power is in YOUR hands, not his. Stupid idiot GAVE it to you. What a thickie. (Did you know he was emotionally thick as two short planks or is this bit news to you as well?)
I agree time to look forward and be independant. During the relationship prior to this hes never been disloyal or given me reason to not trust him i believe we were really close always together u know. Ive been betrayed in the past which he knows. Which has made me insecure and not trusu to east, in the beginning i was very paranoid that id get hurt by yet another but he reassured hes not like that and my family and friends took to him. Before during and after my pregnancy he was my rock. Stress came with us living together, bickering every now and then but nothing to serious for any of this. He has contacted me and said he would like to talk face to face
Ok so we spoke and i asked to hear what exactly happened the whole truth. They were in his car talking and she was flirty and he accepted her advances wen she made a move and gave him oral sex, weeks later she contacted him and told him she had an sti in the mouth and he needs to get tested. It is still cheating even if it wasnt sexual intercourse but what now
Closeness isn't measured in terms of how much time you spend together, it's more about the calibre of chemistry both physical and mental, level of willingness, a sense of loyalty and commitment, being on the same wavelength whereby trust follows naturally and automatically as then gets verified by what trust is built from: PREDICTABILITY (via consistent responses and demonstrations over time under all manner of circumstances and situations). I suspect you must indeed have gathered/been fed certain false signals in your scanning of his entire vibe when you first met him, as thus far in time has now proven.
There again, you were probably too young at the time to be that accomplished a reader, anyway, hence adultery being particularly rife among those who married at an especially young age.
But what makes his crime worse, in my opinion, is that he knew you'd been cheated on before. His going ahead anyway smacks almost of him knowing precisely where most painfully to strike, particularly when you take into consideration the fact that he hadn't in the run-up suffered any sudden, high-impact, traumatic event nor any LONG-TERM chronic stress and duress that could at least have partway explained it.
I mean, what does it say if you come with a warning over having a particularly fragile wrist due to previous injury and then, the very first time they ever outright hurt you it just so happens to be by bending back that one same wrist? Carelessness plus coincidence? I think not.
Not getting on that well is not stressor enough for an otherwise upstanding human to get reduced or ALLOW themselves to be reduced to such a base level where the individual can no longer appreciate the sacredness of their relationship or the sanctity of relationships and families per se. (Or TWO relationships, should I say when including his son). People can kid themselves that in their particular case they're unlikely to be found out but, let's be honest: every single human with a full set of marbles KNOWS that thought is nothing but self-delusion and that truth outs - when, not if - ... which takes us back to whether one holds their relationship (or their own good fortune and happiness present and future) in sufficiently and befittingly high regard never to risk blowing it to smithereens.
All things thereby considered, I say, this was tantamount to wantonly destroying the relationship, throwing it in the bin, a however-much-hearted attempt to get fired rather than garner the courage to resign... unless, of course, he's so stupid and arrogant as to have kidded himself that your love and forgiveness would always know no bounds. So either he thought you'd never find out or believed that even if you did you were bound to want or need to forgive him at some point. Took you and his position majorly for granted, in other words.
It's no different to sitting a child at a table with adults for two straight hours out of an expectation of it being capable of maintaining good attitude, manners and behaviour for the entire duration. The ability takes strength of character as well as good rearing and the requisite motivation.
The bottom line here is obviously that he was alright as a boyfriend but couldn't cut the mustard in the long run as a husband. The child sat at the table with the adult, managed to behave himself for 10 minutes, and then started acting up and out to an appalling degree. Berbom.
You've got a kid, you don't need another in a grown-up suit.
As for the whole truth? He said, he said, he said... He can spin it any way he likes and it can neither be disproven, corroborated nor verified. What seemingly HAS come to light, however, is that he was the one who infected that woman, not the other way around. SO FROM WHOM DID HE ORIGINALLY GET IT?
THINK about it. She'd already hit. Realistically, she knew he was married/unavailable. So running was too easy. I mean, YOU picture you - a low-moralled individual - actually walking towards shame and aggro when you could do what is more characteristic of your type by disappearing into the sunset never to be heard from again...doesn't add up, does it. I do not believe she rang to inform him of HER culpability. I suspect that, rather, she rang him to complain and make him face HIS! Plus, likewise, we only have his word for it that it was just oral.
TEE, you're not going to get any reassurances and rebuilding of trust via his mouth. It's undeniable, irrefutable ACTIONS you need. What are they? What's he doing or seriously and meaningfully proposing to do? Has he even broken down and begged you to give him another chance? What?
I do HEAR you saying it's time for independence. But that, likewise, is just your mouth doing the talking. Doesn't mean he can't work on your defences.