How do I handle cheating boyfriend?
I'm here because I need some support and encouragement. I was married for 28 years and did not have a broken marriage. We had an awesome life together, 2 wonderful sons, a beautiful home, great careers and were financially comfortable. Both raised with old fashioned morals and values and parents that taught us what love, honor and family was in the truest sense. Never dysfunctional, no arguing, fighting or displeasure. Then one day I find out that he was cheating on me with someone he worked with and that she was only 1 1/2 years older than our oldest son. My now x was 30 years older. From the start of the affair I tried everything to rekindle our relatiinship that he looked at as broken but he refused to put any effort into any kind of help or direction. somewhere in the four year battle before divorce I lost myself, hopes and dreams. I had 2 spinal surgeries after a work related injury and was left unable to work. I went from a normal happy functioning human to a 90 pound disaster.... I worked hard at overcoming all of the stresses, pain, shear devastation both personally and financially. I managed after 3 years and almost foreclosure on my home to pull myself out of the financial rut. I swore I could be strong and survive all this... After 3 years i began dating someone casually (this came very hard for me as I married my high school sweetheart and had never dated very much. This relationship has been on going for 4 years and unfortunately even after knowing everyhthing I have been through and the walls I had built this person has chosen to hurt me severely. He goes on FBook daily and all his x girlfriends are friends of his on there, I found out he has been texting and calling a married woman and other x girlfriends, etc. etc. etc... He now lives with me in my home and knows that I am hurting from all his bs and says he choses me and us but continues the bs. His ego is huge!!! I am suffering from PTSD, severe anxiety and depression and living in constant turmoil like a ghost floating from situation to situation and can't seem to find the strenght to make him get out. Please help!!!!
"I'm here because I need some support and encouragement. I was married for 28 years and did not have a broken marriage. We had an awesome life together, 2 wonderful sons, a beautiful home, great careers and were financially comfortable. Both raised with old fashioned morals and values and parents that taught us what love, honor and family was in the truest sense. Never dysfunctional, no arguing, fighting or displeasure. Then one day I find out that he was cheating on me with someone he worked with and that she was only 1 1/2 years older than our oldest son."
In that case, when you say "we" this and "we" that, you should actually speak only for yourself. He may have bust a gut to come across as your Like but clearly it was never genuinely the case and finally dropped his act. Either that or he became reduced to a more animal state by a mid life crisis. Whatever... he can't have been that 'high' to begin with to have dropped THAT many levels under the certain quantum of stress and confusion that is MLC. Men who genuinely start off that high drop only to new sports car or gym membership or new hobbies, etc., etc.
Meanwhile, he saw it that he had no deterrent and incentive to change his then present ways because you weren't putting your money where your mouth was and issuing him a serious ultimatum to shape up or ship out, meaning, he thought he could have his cake and eat it (despite one half of it was busy whinging on and on at him, giving him "hassle").
He thought you'd STAY doing nothing but whinging. More fool him, then, and Hurrah! to you.
But your strength has/had a limit.
You're wondering HOW ON EARTH after having sensibly waited 3 years you could have chosen yet another (or moreover) dud. Easy question, easy answer: because that three years was NOT spent in calm, quiet reflectivity and re-contextualising as constitutes the complete path to Recovery. It was still jam-packed full of yet more stress that had to be dealt with. This means you were still on the rebound when you chose/accepted (same thing) this new chap. Rebound was the footing upon which the foundation was built, ergo, so was the building above it. Furthermore - something not a lot of people know - original selection played a part:
If your cheating ex-husband was wholly uncooperative in helping you to put together the evidence jigsaw to where lay understanding, assimilating and newly applying, it's entirely logical for a body to choose an equal or worse dud with which to re-enact the prior failed relationship in order TO complete that many-fragmented picture as contains the answers to all those questions (why, how, when did it go wrong and who or what was to blame for this or that part, and what to choose and do/not choose and do in future?). So you've been in a way, unbeknownst to Conscious You, using this new chap in order to seek the answers your ex refused to supply. Trouble is, in order to reenact the marriage exactly in order to get the correct end reading, the conditions have to be the same, including that you're genuinely in love with him. (Sense?) The experiment wouldn't work were you not. So, fall in love with him you let yourself do.
(If you can see it,) now you're back in Act V, Scene 10 (same play, different co-star)... the exact same point of the 'marriage' you were in before, as demanded you took serious, self-respecting action WITHOUT SELF-HARMING PREVARICATION AND DELAY. It's your second chance to prove your mettle to yourself as well as the truth about DEARLY HELD CONVICTIONS *giving* you strength even when you think you have none. In other words, once you make that decision that goes, 'EFFING NO! I AM WORTHY OF A DIAMOND, NOT ANOTHER SNAKE-IN-THE-GRASS! I AM *NOT* HAVING IT - NOT A SECOND TIME!!!' - *until* you make that decision out of a genuine belief that it's true - the energy-generator will not activate. Get it?
Alternatively, if you solely can't deal with transitions - crossing bridges - from one state to another, then you need to cease relying on your own thoughts and emotions as are proving such a block and place faith in someone else's, be they conceptual models of self-respecting types or someone real, if and when they tell you to just turn off your thoughts and worries about 'what if' and 'maybe', and one, two, three, JUMP - DUMP THE DUD!
Living under your roof, hurting you daily, refusing to STOP hurting you daily, and thinking you're such a doormat that not even that will get him flung out? WTF - HOW DARE HE! Who does he think he is?! More to the reiterative point - WHAT DOES HE THINK *YOU* ARE?!!
People treat you as well or as badly as you let them.
This might help: I've seen this play (regardless of the particular co-stars) a thousand times. Since you got out of your marriage you've been on upward trajectory from (contextually-speaking) Monster to Dud. The final leg of that journey always, always, always, always, always [I could go for hours], ALWAYS leads to .....Diamond Geezer! By keeping yourself stuck with Dud-features you are delaying the inevitability of the receipt of your marathon-run trophy.
Who's hurting you daily? YOU are. Why are you punishing yourself through the above-explained process of self-deprivation via procrastination? Why must you be punished, according to you? Or why are you COMFORTABLE with the uncomfortable comfort zone? Therein lies the generator switch.