My wife doesn't want sex anymore
Dam...you had a lot to say...the bottom line she might have a mental issue..or has a painful secret past she may not want share weight might have affected her or she is not at the same level as you! You are passionate, romantic and caring and want to pour your love to her but she is the opposite and is overwhelmed. I'm actually like you and there is nothing wrong with our ways...I finally realized it after 23 Years of a frustrated marriage and all the rejections that entailed it...I stuck with him for all the good things about him. Well guess what? He ended up cheating on me and I thought it was the end of the world...I finally broke out of my shell and went on to explore another man because I was so frustrated of always trying and putting up with his painful rejections....guess what I found a man who has been fulfilling me in every way in a very passionate, romantically, and sexually wonderful way...what my husband couldn't do in 23 years..he has accomplished it within one year...He caused me to squirt, orgasm, enjoy one each other as one and I am hypnotized by his lovemaking...him and I are so much alike in that way....I truly believe you just haven't met your match, but the truth is I think I just got lucky to find this wonderful man who makes me feel so happy...I'm imagining it must be difficult to find but once you find it...it's like you are emancipated by simply being you...I really wish the best...
You should definitely try to get her medical help, or at least talk to a doctor. I think most women have an easier time abstaining from sex than men, so one reasonable explanation could be that she is having problems with someone or something (if so then sex would probably be the last thing on her mind).
I don't wanna freak you out either but this is usually a sign of cheating as well. If you feel you can trust her, then by all means trust her. But what you should try to do is keep talking to her as well as dig a little deeper into it, without being crazy about it.
Women usually aren't up front about why they are upset, but if she really doesn't know why her sex drive has gone down, she maybe be experiencing depression or some type of problem.
You sound like a wonderful, loving husband. I definitely don't think you should take this personally. It's not you, it's her issue that she needs to get help for. It sounds like she has some religious convictions and hang ups about sex, as well as some psychological fears. You're doing the right thing by supporting her through it. I hope you can stay strong and stay faithful in your marriage so you two can work it out. Best of luck.
I can totally relate to you. However, I think my wife may be fooling around with someone. There are a lot of indications of this. While I do not believe in divorce for many reasons, I think I am going to look for a woman who may be in a similar situation and also can relate. Problem is, it's hard to find a woman who wants to have an affair with a married man and be discreet. I do NOT want a hooker to solve my issue as I am not willing to take the risks of diseases and such. Good luck to you and I hope you can find a solution. Just don't blame yourself because I don't blame myself. I am a good husband who helps around the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. and, always try to keep things romantic when I can as well as trying to keep things spontaneous.
You two still doing it?
As a woman I experience similar times. Idk if it is stress at work or the stress of life or bills or what. But I have noticed that my husbands attitude and mood are very much linked with my desire. When he is in a crappy snappy mood, it's Fort Knox for me. If he constantly mentions or makes remarks about the lack of, it turns me off completely. What he may think is innocent, has a very negative impact on me. Things that turn me on are how the reacts to he kids and how helpful he is and the sweet gestures he shows me.
You just don't turn her on man. You should stop acting so needy. It's a major turn off.
Hello SPOOKY, it's so true that men and women are rigged up differently. I've read that something like 1 in 5 girls are victims of childhood sexual abuse...it sounds to me as if your wife MAY have been assaulted in some way...I speak from experience- how have you approached these types of issues with her? Boys and girls are taught to have very different expectations as we grow from sexually innocent children to sexually active young adults. Most men have a very strong sex drive (especially at your age) and women (usually) are attracted to someone according to their emotional feelings. I don't think there's anything wrong with you OR her, but she may have some issues she's having great difficulty with, almost ALL marriages encounter some problems with sex at some point or other-I've been married foe over 30 years and I'm here to tell 'ya NO relationship is perfect...sometimes you must cut your losses and sometimes it's worth working through..and that's a decision only the two of you can make. I hope you both find a resolution to your problems, there are tons of resources for marital troubles - jump online and check it out- the very best of luck to you.
Sex isn't a compromise. If one person wants to have sex and the other doesn't, then you don't have sex. Period. It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of pressure on your wife and thinking a lot about what is "wrong with her." Nothing is wrong with her. Maybe you should be the one seeking counseling. There are many ways to feel sexy without having sex or being sexually active. What she does or does not do with her body is not up to you.
Maybe I missed this, but you both need counseling together. A lack of sex, intimacy, affection is the recipe of a doomed marriage. She seems to think that she controls sex in this relationship, Her manipulation is intentional and she is in no way considering you or your feelings. So maybe she is not the one for you counseling will help you make your decision to stay or end your marriage.A marriage that is not fulfilling and is not giving you what you need or want will only bred restment. Don't stay for the sake of just staying..
Your wife could have suffered abuse and blocked it out... it can take years of therapy to open that door to a painful past.
You said she has general anxiety.. was she put on any medications because of this?? If so some medications for mental health will literally zap your sex drive.
At first things were hot and heavy and with her anxiety the time you turned her down that once likely was a catalyst for her over thinking everything.
If I was you this is what I would do is write her a heartfelt letter. Take your time to get your feelings out and read it over and wait a day to give it to her. Why the day?? It makes sure you left nothing out and that what you said in it isn't impulsive.
Spooky - it seems your wife does not so much have a problem with you then she has with herself - the image she has of herself - her self-esteem - her body - her sexuality : it would be good for her to go and see a sex-therapist - I mean not just someone who deals only with sexual problems but someone capable to put two and two together as in handling psychotherapy and sexuality together
she - in my opinion - definitely needs to review the "image" she has of herself : you can not do anything about that (I think you tried enough) - if she doesn't want to get down to the nitty-gritty root problem of it all concerning HER (for her as well as your relation) - well - then there's nothing more to do then cut your losses or accept this kind of "sick" relation - I'm sorry to say
1 - "she told me that I was one of the few men who’d ever given her an orgasm"
maybe that's exactly the thing she has difficulties in handling : that you can get HER to orgasm
it's more about her then you : she can not admit that - yes - she orgasms and that - yes - you are the one involved in the happening
if she can not accept her very own sexual freedom - she will resent you for making her "do that"
2 - "she squirts too when she comes - she was embarrassed by that despite how much I told her that I loved it, that I care about giving her that release, that she has nothing to be ashamed of at all"
not all women squirt and squirting can indeed be a "messy" business (from a few drops to soaking the bed) : one can have some difficulties with that (but solutions are many)
besides squirting asks to forgo the big taboo of "not peeing the bed" : after all as children we were taught to not pee in bed : so it takes a breaking of barriers to do it anyway
squirting involves areas around the vulva : but if she essentially comes from having her clitoris rubbed - then this area around the vulva and vagina is somehow "unknown" territory for her (see 7)
3 - "she revealed to me after the first year that she’s always thought that having sex was about pleasuring a man and that’s okay - it was about this time that she suddenly lost interest, dramatically"
she has a blockage in admitting SHE is "allowed" to have pleasure
this may come from the sexual abuse she has integrated as her being the pleaser but not the receiver of pleasure - because that's somehow "bad" - guilt associated with her own sexuality which may come from the sexual abuse having been being "secret" as in " a bad thing - but shhht! - it's just between you and me" (whoever her abuser was)
4 - "she admitted to never masturbating - claiming that she couldn’t"
of course she could not masturbate when this whole area/parts of her body are seen as "bad" (see 3)
5 - "my wife doesn’t let me go down on her - I did the first couple times that we ever had sex - she told me that she didn’t feel comfortable, that she felt embarrassed - I guess I was naïve enough to think that I’d change her mind, that I could convince her that she need not have any shame"
again - she sees her sexual body parts as "bad" and "unclean" : so you going down there is putting her face to face with this "embarrassment" she can not or will not deal with because of the unconscious guilt and shame associated
that's how sex for HER became shameful (but not for the man) (see 3)
6 - "if it felt as good for her as it does for me, she’d be dying without my touch"
she refuses herself the pleasure you have in pleasuring her - if she did - she would indeed crave sex with you as much as you seem to crave it with her and she would take pleasure also in pleasing you (when now she maybe mainly thinks it's her "duty") (see 3)
7 - "it’s not often, even when we were having regular sex, for my wife to come from intercourse, but she’d orgasm from me rubbing her clit, sometimes several times"
many women do not know they can orgasm (and squirt) from the area around the vulva and vagina - they keep it to the "tip of the clitoris" which doesn't entail penetration - thus opening up
the clitoris is also often badly known by women as well as men : the clitoris is not only this "little bud" but splits in two branches that go all the way down and around the vulva into the entrance of the vagina where they curl around the female prostate (or G spot) where squirting come from : so the whole area from top to bottom can actually be stimulated - but then again - if she doesn't admit to "opening up" to herself in the first place and then to you - then it's all centered around the bud of the clitoris only
I hope this post will not offend anybody and doesn't get removed : we're just talking here about how a woman's body functions and I believe most people coming on the forum are no longer children
I hope this can help you - let me know :)
Spooky, I have a similar issue with my husband. I have an extremely high sex drive, and his has become non-existent over the years. I feel your pain as I go through cycles of feeling like something is wrong with me, or I am not sexy or attractive anymore. I do love him, and every other part of our marriage is wonderful. When we do have sex, it is almost always me who initiates it, and I try not to do it too often since I feel like it's a chore for him. I try to wait for him to start things, but after a month of waiting, sometimes I just need the release. I do take care of myself, and often, but as you are well aware, it's not the same thing.
From a woman's point of view, I know that we can be very self conscious about our bodies and the way we look or smell. That's a hard thing to overcome for many women.
I hope you can get some counseling together and that you can make it work. Sometimes it helps to know that other people have similar struggles.
Spooky I read your original post, and skim read most of the replies.
I have to say my first thoughts were in the camp of something has happened to her previously.
She is embarrassed to have you going down there because she probably feels like she is being inspected or judged and it makes her uncomfortable (similar to when you go to the doctor and he needs to stick a finger up your backside!).
She didn't realise she could enjoy sex and wants to hide herself so men dont notice her...is a big flag for previous abuse.
At the start of a relationship people are always hot and heavy. They both love it, or at least do it so that the person they like sticks around because you want to please them.
Maybe now she feels comfortable enough to be honest in saying she doesn't want or enjoy sex. This might not be something YOU are doing wrong, it might just be that SHE can't enjoy it. Her past, her mood, stress...maybe all of them.
But saying that...you can not continue on this path.
Sex for most women starts before you approach us. Its the way you speak to us, act around us, the mood you come in with...Generally you need to make women feel wanted way before the clothes come off. You say you are doing this, but maybe from her point of view you are actually ''nagging her for sex''. Which will turn most people (men or women) off if they feel they HAVE to do it. If you add in the suspected element of a past...it is a recipe for disaster. IF she has had something happen...then to her...every time you are asking her to do something sexual, she could be reliving what has happened to her...and well that isnt going to be a nice feeling.
So what is the answer here?
You are going to have to man up, distance yourself from your emotions and needs for just a moment, and have a frank and honest conversation with her.
Try to approach her when she is in a relatively decent mood, and not tired or whatever. Say to her that you have been having strong feelings about the lack of intimacy (DO NOT SAY SEX!!!). If she asks what you mean then you can explain that you have a hard time feeling close to her, when she constantly rejects you and it makes you feel like she is not attracted to you any more. Try to do this as calmly and without emotion as possible. The same tone you would use if you told her you saw a dog walking down the street. Keep it friendly but without any whining or neediness if you know what I mean.
Ask her if there is anything you can do to help? If there is something you are doing wrong? Has anything ever happened to make you feel uncomfortable with sex in general...
Be prepared. She may give you an answer you aren't ready to hear.
But if you can't have this conversation this problem will continue...
Good Luck, and best wishes.
more or less one year has gone by since your first post - have you managed to go and see a counselor (or find one online) ? has she manifested the desire to see or contact one online ? or are things just staying the same - you and/or her enduring the situation until one or the other breaks down ?
what I also notice is how your sex drive seems to be related to you being stressed or anxious : have you ever wondered if your sex drive was related to stress and if so - why sex would be an outlet for you ? you speak of body image : are you insecure - and if so - about what exactly ?
because maybe - just maybe (I could be wrong) - she doesn't want sex anymore because she feels she's filling up some insecurity of yours - and she doesn't know how to or doesn't want to say/speak about it - because it would make you feel awkward - so she prefers to forgo sex then to confront a problem that maybe she feels is yours
to not crave sex/making love - to me - is to not be in contact with one's own body, soul and feelings - drive and desires
so who is evading the issue here ?
Don't know if you are still checking this or not but I am in the same boat as you. As I was reading your story, I felt like i was talking to myself.. Same start, sex often, made her squirt. Now she's always making up excuses like she's tired or anxious or whatever. Its the worse man. It absolutely is. We are married and young (24) not sure where to go from here.