Does he want a relationship with me or not?
Long story short...met a guy about 5 years ago. He said he wanted a one night stand with me but although I fancied him, I didn't want a one night stand. We have a great relationship in so far as we can talk for hours and hours about absolutely anything. He has dated other women in the last 5 years and cried on my shoulder about his relationship woes, but throughout the entire period of time, has still regularly messaged me suggesting we should have sex though he upgraded it to friends with benefits. When I have had boyfriends he has come on stronger but I haven't been prepared to leave my bfs. We are both now single and have met up several times just to socialise. He is still suggesting that we should sleep together but I think he wants more. He says that he eventually wants to settle down but is not ready for a serious relationship at the present time. He is on a dating website stating that he's looking for a relationship. I love him but don't know whether he wants to be with me or not....opinions please.
If your relationship with this guys is as you describe it, then you definitely have chemistry. The attraction is there. I was friends with my fiancé for many years before we started dating. Let me tell you that it can be very nice being in a relationship with someone you already know you are compatible with. If you have been friends for so long without anything happening between you two it can only be because of a combination of two things: 1) shared interests, which he could presumably find from someone else. Especially if you guys are as close as you say; I'm sure his exgfs didn't love you. My exgfs were scared of the palpable chemistry between me and my now fiancé, and they were right to be. 2) You guys like each other romantically. He loves you. He may not understand it (although I think he does), but he would not have kept you around this long if he couldn't see a world where you two could be together.
Unfortunately, that is not enough for you two to be together. What is stopping you is a fairly difficult hurdle, breaking the friendship barrier. It could be that he needs your emotional support so badly that he is afraid of losing you. However, his insistence on you two hooking up says that he isn't THAT concerned. I can't be entirely sure (I am), but what your friend is doing is trying to find a nice, easy mutual way of breaking through the friend zone without exposing himself too much. I remember the exact moment that my fiancé and I broke the barrier. When I leaned in for that 1st kiss I was more nervous than when I popped the question. And just so you know after a few seconds she pulled back and said it was a little weird and just needed to go slowly. We had sex the next morning. In his mind, after this "one night stand" you two will see how natural it feels and will want to be together.
What to do about where you guys are now? That is a little tricky. Before she met me my fiancé drunkenly hooked up with another close friend. Although they were still friends after, she told me that it was a mistake and weird. I knew I wanted to be with my fiancé for a long time, so I guess I was in your position. I doubt you'll be able to do exactly what I did, but maybe it will help. I masterminded a scheme in order to win her heart over a couple months. First I hired her for a job (interior designer) so I could make sure we had a lot of face time. I then made sure that we spent several days working together. At the end of each day I suggested we go get "business dinner" to discuss "business" at a selection of ever increasingly romantic restaurants. The day after I took her to the most romantic restaurant and after spending many days deeply enjoying the chemistry we shared and having fun together, and then nothing happened after that night when I really gave it my all, I was about to give up. I gave it one more shot, but this time I told her that we have been out so much that we should just relax and watch a movie and order some food at my place. I made sure that the food would arrive late and the movie would end late. I think you see where I was going with this. I suggested she sleep over. I told her that she could share my bed with me. We were close friends and neither of us were in relationships so it wasn't weird. After a couple glasses of wine and some cuddling I knew I wanted to make a move. I looked into her eyes and said something, I don't remember, but it was something lame that protected myself incase she withdrew (even though looking back, if you've made it this far you don't have anything to worry about), something like, "You know, I have so much fun hanging out with you." Then she said she liked hanging out with me too. Then.... I froze, lol. Like I said, I knew the moment was there but it was scary still. She's still looking at me, and she says, "I know you like me." Which was good on her part. Also not exposing herself, lol! I said, "So? I know you like me too." How romantic! Then she said, "So...." and I leaned in. It can take a couple days to get over the feeling of "I'm making out with my friend" or "I'm seeng my friend naked", but by that time it won't matter. Good luck!
"We are both now single and have met up several times just to socialise. He is still suggesting that we should sleep together but I think he wants more. He says that he eventually wants to settle down but is not ready for a serious relationship at the present time."
I'm sure this man is perfectly capable of asking a woman (friend or stranger) out on an actual date in such a way where it's obvious to her (and everyone) that he's after a relationship first and foremost, with sexual interaction being just a natural extension and bonus, meaning the first date (e.g. candlelit dinner out) is intended to be one of many, WHEREAS, this guy keeps nagging you to have sex despite at the same time stating he DOESN'T want a relationship. His adding "at the present time" is bait meant to make you think you and your magic touch during his free sampling of you can MAKE him want one. Now. With you.
It's one of the oldest tricks in the book so please don't fall for it. I expect notches on his bedpost are his sole agenda for that website, where I'm sure he'll use that 'not yet but soon/one day' angle on the ladies on there, too. Just because it's a website designed for people wanting relationships doesn't mean it doesn't get mis-used by those simply wanting free sex.
He's not your friend. He's being friend-LY, yes, because amongst other things, you double as a free-of-charge therapist whenever he needs one. But he's not interested in an actual relationship with you. If he were, no WAY could he put you and he getting it on onto the backburner or stand having to meanwhile stand by and watch you date other men like he was somehow in control of his heart's urges rather than the other way around.
It's because you're willing to give him so many girlfriendly perks for free that he believes you're desperate enough over him to want to go one better and risk jumping into bed with no guarantees and none of the usual boyfriendly hard graft as works its magic as fore-foreplay.
The day he decides he'd like you to be his girlfriend will be when you see him ask you out and treat you like one.... like they all know how to do... which is NOT by approaching a woman with, basically, 'Fancy a shag?'.
JustAGuy...thank you so much for your reply. There were so many details I could have put in (and perhaps risked sounding delusional) but which you seem to have understood anyway. Good luck to you and your fiancé and I hope you enjoy a long and happy life together.
Soulmate....thanks too, for your reply. It was much more along the lines that I expected answers to be. I have never believed that I could make him "want" a relationship with me by sleeping with him but I find it very hard to understand how we both keep coming back to each other despite our other relationships and how anybody could be worth pursuing for such a long time "just for sex". Anyway, thanks again for taking the time and trouble to reply
"I have never believed that I could make him "want" a relationship with me by sleeping with him"
YOU might not (tick!) but too many women do. They tend also to be the type who think they can "change him". (Joke: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But first the lightbulb has to WANT to change. (Har-har.))
Those are probably the types he's used to. That you're so different to the norm might well strike him as a meatier challenge and more attractive nut to keep trying to crack (and thereby prove his manly prowess). But that doesn't automatically mean he wants to EAT the nut afterwards.
He lacks challenge in his life and is trying to satisfy his ambitions through sexual conquests. If you want him to actually ask you to be his girlfriend I suggest you announce you've decided to enter a nunnery (and then KEEP saying it). ;-p
We've all been there. Suggest you put your energies into where it'll pay off. The plain and simple truth is, this guy is just too immature to see commitment & exclusivity as anything but an unwanted hassle.
I expect all you regulars are by now wondering who this mystery "1" is?
My own theory is that s/he's a narcoleptic, persistently trying yet failing to post the following old ditty:
1-1 was a racehorse
2-2 was one too
1-1 won one race
And 2-2 won one too.
(Anything to oblige.