Online close friend shut me out...
I became friends with this guy online about a year ago, we bonded over things we had in common and he helped me through a really difficult time in my life. I am 25, and he is 4 years younger. We talked a lot through Skype, almost every day for a while. It seemed like we became close very quickly. We just clicked. The friendship was a bit onesided for a while, though, because I was very ill with depression and needed a lot of support. I knew I was sometimes hard to deal with myself.
About two months ago, we had an argument because I was feeling suicidal, and he responded negatively because he took it that I was abandoning him... This is not the first time that I have confessed suicidal feelings or written suicide notes and then later attempted suicide. But it was the first time that I had such a negative reaction. It was heated, we both said some stupid things in the heat of the moment, but it only lasted about half an hour and then everything seemingly went back to normal. I apologized and reassured him that I wouldn't abandon him, I vowed to get better because I realized that maybe I wasn't thinking enough, or thinking about him and his feelings. I wasn't helping myself. After that I started to get better because I started taking antidepressants, and I have now recovered a good deal.
However, during the last two months, even though I have gotten better, our friendship has suddenly come to a halt. We no longer talk like we used to. In fact, when I message him trying to initiate conversation, he replies only once, if at all, sometimes days later. It's impossible to have a normal conversation like this...
He's recently found two or three new friends from the same social network that he regularly uses, and he seemingly now spends all his time talking and having fun with them, while I am almost completely ignored. I tried to approach this issue a few times, but every time he just repeated that he was feeling depressed and that he had nothing to talk to me about. I feel like these are just excuses at this point though, and I have my reasons; we never had trouble talking before, and he more than enjoys his time with his other friends, as he clearly shows in his online blog. He also admitted to me that he has been spending almost all of his time recently doing voice calls and video calls with these friends. We tried to do this once, but the connection failed. Since then, I have suggested this idea to him multiple times, I even bought a brand new headset. But so far he has just not said anything about it. All of my efforts to rekindle our friendship have been met with apathy.
I am hurt and I don't understand. We were so close and now there is a giant wall between us. I feel like a fool for putting my heart and soul and so much into this friendship now. Something tells me that our argument was what ruined everything, but when I mentioned it, he said that everything was fine. He is pretending that there is nothing really wrong when there is. I tried to do that for a while because I naively thought that everything would be okay, but I just can't do this anymore. Another thing tells me that I have been too clingy and negative. Something tells me that he is just bored of me or fed up with me now, and would rather hang out with his new friends. He has changed and I am afraid that there is no longer room for me in his new life anymore.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can save our friendship. I'm not sure if he even cares. One thing is certain, though; I'm going to find it very hard to trust anyone else from now on. Being alone, for me, if preferable to having to go through this hell again, feeling all this anger and grief watching a friend I counted on so much and who was so kind to me just dump me as soon as they're tired of me.
I have no reassuring things to say. I like you found a friend that I knew of my whole life but did not really know until a year ago last March. We have become the best of friends and though we didn't have a fight, I grew to love my friend and we are both married. My first response was to break it off out of respect for my wife and I had no better option. I hurt my friend when I did this. I called her the next day and said I made a mistake and that our friendship was to.....unique to just throw away. We took a break from each other for 3 weeks. After that I sent a simple message that said " I really miss you friend". We talked a few days later about what had happened and how we could fix it. But then, she asked for more time. I said I did not understand. I thought we were going to fix it. She said I have to do this can you give me space. I reluctantly agreed to. I tried my best to give her space but not as much as I should have, I just missed my friend. For the next 8 months, she was never the same...we were never the same. When she would talk to me, she would try and address what was bothering me but I was always in such a state of distress that it was all I could do from just yelling at her saying" can't you see what your doing to me? Do I mean nothing to you??" It's been the hardest thing Ive had to go through in my adult life. We both had dark pasts and we both helped each other as you say you and your friend did.
I told you all that so I could tell you this.
I know how you feel inside concerning your friend. I know how it feels to finally feel inside like someone understands you, like some one feels you, like someone loves you on the inside. I know how it feels when you feel abandoned, discarded, replaced, forgotten about. I don't know what you friend is going through or why you being suicidel made him feel abandoned. Consider for a moment that he was deeply invested in you and knew how real suicide was for you. Consider that he had no doubt that you could be capable of such a thing and that he took it seriously. But if he was invested like this and knew about your suicidel thoughts, it's possible what angered him is that he may have felt that you two had developed this rare bond that you can't find everyday, and it wasn't important enough for you to live. That your friendship wasn't important enough to live. That HE was not important enough for you to live. It's possible that he may have felt that you didn't take the friendship seriously and therefore did not take him seriously. He may have even felt the friendship was fake if he accused you of abandoning him. I suffer from this and my friend now knows it. There are many reasons to feel abandoned. But whatever it is, if he has abandonment issues.....they will be sensitive ones.
Why he no longer lets you in or talks to you......no idea. If he has a problem with abandonment, he will have trust issues to go with it. These new friends may currently have his back so to speak. Or Im wrong.
Another thing you need to ask yourself is why would he be mad at you. Almost always the reason for anger is not what you said, it's the feeling your words made him feel. You may have reminded him of something that could be unforgivable elsewhere in his life and your getting the blunt of it.
Or.....he may be working out other issues that you may not be equipped to help him with and these new friends are currently what he needs. This last suggestion hurts me the most. I would like to believe that if I had a friend like this....a best friend, she could come to me with anything and it cuts me deeply that I'm wrong. My friend is my best friend....,.i am not hers. But that doesn't change the way I feel about her. To me she is still my best friend so I'm going to be what my friend needs............there IF she needs me.
This is the hard part. You feel empty waiting in a place where your friend can find you. No matter what though, I know my friend loves me in her own way and when I feel like I have been forgotten, I have to try and remember that it's not all about me and that if I truly care for her, I will understand when she seeks other people for help. Also, you don't let someone into your life like this and not develop a real friendship. If you changed his life as he changed yours....that doesn't just go away. He has not forgotten you.
I don't know if any of this helps. My friend and I have a different friend ship now and yes I sometimes miss the old one. You may could try this: I simply said to my friend that honest truth inside me. I miss you in my life. You matter to me. It hurts me that you act as though you have moved on. If you don't want me in your life like that anymore then I can deal with that....but first your going to know that your my friend and that your hurting me.
What I said to my friend was some variation of this. I didn't know if it would work or not. I said it out of desperation but not to be desperate. I said it to be honest...and my friend responded. Good luck, I hope there was something valuable here for you.
Clearly he's NOT depressed, as you quite rightly observe from the glaring evidence. But by throwing "the depressed card" back at you he conveniently ties your hands against any more complaining unless you wish to render yourself not only a big fat hypocrite but an unfeeling and self-centred cow (which obviously you don't).
The fact that he would use what you of all people know is for many a genuine, serious illness, to his cowardly advantage when it comes to avoiding a confrontation in which to be called to account for his actions is what, IMO, puts him and the rest of his behaviour into proper context. And there's nothing romantic, laudible or pitiable about that context that deserves any 'bleeding heart' attitude in response because the context is called, "UGH!"
Online/not in the flesh. Only 1 year. Not friend, mere acquaintance.
You might have THOUGHT you and he were close but true friends don't abandon you in your darkest hour, and just because someone had lonely hours to fill thus was more than willing to fill them with back-and-forth chatting whilst it suited, doesn't make them a genuine friend, let alone a close and for-life one. Evidence: You tell him you feel like killing yourself and his response is WHAT NOW??? Answer: "Me-Me-Me!". How very DARE you feel that bad, don't you know what it does to HIM? [rolls eyes]
It's all about him and always was. He was willing to pass himself off as your rock only whilst he was desperate for company and something to daily do and there wasn't at that point anyone else, i.e. only whilst it served his interests to. The minute he realised he'd bitten off more than he was prepared to chew, that you weren't "fun" any more (how very dare you), he turned your darkest hour into a crime by you against him(!!!) as then posed as his great excuse to start or encourage an argument with the sole intent of creating a reason to first insert space and then reverse-tip-toe-ingly exit the building for good without having to ever answer for his shoddy, wholly contradictory attitude and actions.
Having a go at you in response to your reaching out? That could have pushed you over the edge for all he knew. How he's treated you since could have too. Did that thought ever stop him? NO! NOT A JOT! Case closed about how much he "cared" about you. There's only one person he cares about and that's himself. Because when it came to putting his friends money where his friends mouth was, he refused point-blank and not only has been refusing ever since but has been busying himself with other people in plain sight.
True rocks are a product of proper, real-life interaction over a sustained period featuring shared interests and experiences as builds a genuine bond. When devoid of those at any juncture of your life and needing a strong ongoing shoulder, a therapist is what you should seek (referral by ones doctor). Because a therapist isn't ALLOWED to lose interest and bail out on you come the first obstacle or challenge, and neither are they apt to see you as too much like hard work for the perk (his case, something that can pass as friendship and a daily distraction).
You in future need to choose your friends more carefully, try to spot someone who has it in them to give as well as take, not just take under the guise of giving.
"I'm not sure if he even cares."
He doesn't. No-one who can risk, exacerbate or ADD TO TEN-FOLD the very feelings that had you placing yourself on that cliff edge to begin with can be said to care about you. Because "I care" is as "I care" *does*.
soulmate hit the nail on the head and i will add my two cents, your so called friend is not a friend and you need to cut the cords, i have had an online friend for 8years and we finally met when i visited America as i live in England, he has been my rock and i got to meet his family, his wife was amazing. and to top it up he gave me his late mothers ring. because he is the best male friend i have ever had in my life. a few months back i fell for some guy in Virginia USA, he didn't have a job, had 4 kids and a lot of baggage but i decided to care for him as he expressed wanting to be in a relationship with me. One time i noticed he was ignoring me on Facebook and i got upset and deactivated my Facebook for a few days, i know it was dramatic but i was so hurt. So i came back online and tried to reach him and he would not speak to me, i sent emails which he read and did not respond. he then responded and we discussed a lot of things, ask i had encouraged him, even did his resume with him. i thought we were getting back on track. next thing he cut me off again and i sent him an email pleading and telling him i really missed him and wanted us to be together. well he ignored me till date and i finally let go because i was hurting so much. this man was so hurtful as i opened up to him, he claimed to be christian and we prayed together when he had problems. he made me feel wanted and dropped me. i was so hurt.. but i had to tell myself that if he really cared he would reply, even if it was to stay friends. i learnt to let go. it was hard but worth it. i suggest you let your friend go and move on with your life, if someone cares, they won't stop caring especially when you want to continue to friendship. some people are not very kind and i have learnt that the hard way several times. trust me, if you friend cherished you, he would tell you how he felt and give you opportunity to amend things. i think you need to let go and get on with life...