I've lost all focus
The title says it all and I don't really know where to begin. I've been married for a short time to someone I've known half my life. I fell pregnant young and by the time my husband and I became an item, our child's bio father had already gone from the picture and our lives. I was pregnant and had no intention of starting a relationship with anyone. My husband, however became one of my biggest allies and supporters through this time in my life. Needless to say, I fell head over heels for him. He was there for the birth of the child and we eventually married. He has been by my side through many things I warned him would come. (I suffer from severe depression and anxiety) He loved me unconditionally through some very large break downs. For a while I was even fine. I was content and finding myself with the support of a man that has shown me more kindness than anyone has ever shown me in my life. We were surprised, nervous, yet happy when we found out we were expecting our second child. I planned and prepped during those first months. Excited and looking forward to becoming a new mother all over again. I actually felt stronger and more emotionally stable than I had in a long while. Well the last two months have been a living hell. I hardly sleep even when my body is begging to shut down. I can't cry although I wish I could. My thoughts are poisonous and I have an extremely difficult time finding the energy or sheer will to do anything. I tried to hide how I was feeling from my husband, thinking it was just the hormones. When I finally shared with him, I think that is all he has put it down to. Some mornings I wake up and I don't know if I will make it through the day. Part of me wants my husbands comfort while the other part of me is disgusted that I rely on it so much. He's shut down and shut away from me unlike he has before and recently he made the comment "Then go stay at your moms." It was snide but I know he didn't mean it. I don't know how to make it through the day. I've never felt so lonely, afraid of tomorrow, and confused about what to do next. I don't know who to turn to or even what is wrong with me. Like I said, I've lost all focus.
I've spoken with my doctors and they have insisted that it's all pregnancy hormones. Yes, I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy now and I'm seeking help to better myself and my mental state. My children are my biggest motivation. My problems arise when I'm not focussing on mothering, which I understand isn't healthy. For the most part I'm reaching out for anyone that can understand since I'm incredibly lonely. Outside of my husband, children, and doctors, I have no one. I appreciate your speedy response and support. It means a lot to me and I'm hoping to reach beyond this madness that has taken over my mind.
I feel the same..... but I have always been like this, it has nothing to do about being pregnant. Pregnancy just makes it worse yes. I want it to stop and feel happy and normal.
I agree that pregnancy does make it worse. I've also dealt with this for longer than I care to remember. I'm sorry you feel this way.
Does your doctor know you well? That you've had periods of depression and anxiety before? Does he take it seriously? Sometimes doctors can be dismissive or else too ready to agree that there's nothing more serious wrong if you don't advocate strongly enough for yourself. Sometimes you even need to find a different doctor. Postpartum depression can actually begin before the birth. You've been through pregnancy before, has this time been worse than the previous?
You might also ask about depression and anxiety support groups near you. I think you'd want to have a few groups you can go to for help or understanding companionship for the future too. There are therapists that also make themselves available by phone in emergencies. Tell your doctors you need some kind of support services to help with managing the feelings. You might search meetup.com for people with interests you share, including the Mom groups. If you don't like face-to-face support groups, you can also find support online at places like 7cupsoftea.com.