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Not sure if I should get out of this marriage

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Relationship advice I was adopted as a child. When my parent divorce my adopted mum went sour and resentful over me. She never communicated to me what was happenning. However , because I had a close relationship with adopted father. I did chose his side. So from the age of 15, she started setting me up with people through people I new . Making me think I met them by myself, she continue to ruin my life with no guidance or communication but kept me under her house. Her family continue to be rude and abusive with words. Made the men in her family abuse me,because I was so quiet at the time. Even set me up my husband. I thought it was love at the time. She was not help when I got married emotionally. Me husband has been married for 10 years have 2 children. My motherilaw is a bully, because she knows I have no supportive relative. Is really manipulative and knows how to play her , so there's no competition. She plays nice when she's around me. She's spread so much lies to family and friend about me. I don't think my husband love me anymore. He want to be there for his child and that's what keeping him here. His a devoted dad. My own mother is so dishonest to me. I know I have no one to fall back, so I'm on speaking term with her. But it not great. I know her family will never accepted nor does my adopted family. When I was young from the age of 15, because of so much jealousy and hated , I use to gossip so much about how my adopted mother was treating me to relative .Im not saying I'm perfect , I've made lots mistake, because I never had someone to give me good advice. What they would do instead of saying you should discuss with your mum.They would go behind my back and tell and she would continue to be rude to me with her action. Sometime I wish I wasn't adopted. I do wonder if life would get better. It hard to see it. Mother-in-law has spread so many rumours to husband friend about. That their disrespectful to me. I tell my husband but he doesn't see it. It's so frustrating. So I try not to attend his friends event now. However, they do take him out a lot, which they know I hate. Adopted mother has made so many people turn against. Now I have no friends, husband friends hate me and in law hate. And also mother always deny things, if I say something am imagining things. So that alone is frustrating. So I find it pointless to communicate with her about my feeling. Sorry for writting so much. Hope I get good advice

Not sure if I should get out of this marriage

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I feel sorry for you.I think you should live your own life without depending on your husband and in laws,as you told you have noone to support you..Yes this is the truth if you feel like they don't treat you in good way..Then you should leave them without any fight.And make new friends,enjoy your life..Live for your children and for yourself.Hope this hepls.I hope everything gets better.Don't worry.

Not sure if I should get out of this marriage

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Hi PALM1,

I understand you must be feeling very alone and misunderstood right now. It's always difficult to understand others and for others to understand you. But remember that you can be your own best friend and strive to care for yourself even when others don't.

Have you tried writing down experiences that hurt you? As if you were describing it to an imaginary friend? Writing things down helps even if it feels awkward at first. Putting the experience into words can bring some clarity to your thoughts about things that have happened to you. And when you write it down instead of sharing it with someone else, you are able to express yourself knowing you won't be judged or become fodder for the gossip mill. Also it's possible that later when you feel less upset you may be able to interpret the moment in a different way that doesn't seem so hopeless or hostile. But even if that's not the case, there's something about writing it out that can let you step back emotionally when you're finished so that the experience doesn't have the same power to keep hurting you. I swear this works though sometimes it can take a long time just writing it all down before you're ready to move on from it. I know someone who prefers to use a tape recorder instead. It really can help reduce stress and be a tool to get through a bad time.

You've said a lot about how other people in your life have failed you. The only person you have any control over is yourself, your own words and behavior not those of other people. It's futile and counterproductive to try to control others. Ultimately, no one, not even a parent or spouse, is obligated to be your protector, friend or savior. And, as long as you're getting stuck in that blaming mode, you aren't taking steps to help yourself. But you might be able to help yourself by meeting some new people or finding a new hobby or getting a new job separate from these people that have become so hostile. You can do this before deciding about divorce. Finding new people to spend time with could improve your marriage by giving you positive experiences to balance the stress from all the problems. Besides, if you decide to get divorced you'll be needing a new social circle anyway.

Your decision on divorce is yours alone. Whatever choice you make, you will be the one living with the consequences. No one else can know all the ways it will affect you and your family, for good or bad. A professional therapist might help you resolve some of your confusion and pain with your troubled relationships. You can also look for some therapy support groups where you live. But if neither of those is an option, it might help to do some self-therapy.

Some questions you might try asking yourself are...

What can you do for yourself to find a moment of peace and comfort? Listen to music, take a bath, go for a walk, dance naked in front of your pets. Start with the least drastic ideas and go from there until you find some relief. Do you let the people in your life know when they say or do things that you are grateful for and not just complain or accuse when they do something wrong? Think of it like you are training a dog (but don't tell them that). People (just like dogs) need to learn what you want them to do, and not just what you don't want them to do. Do you demonstrate that you care about them too? Ask them what you do that they actually appreciate it rather than assume you already know? When people do or say something you don't like, can you suggest an alternative way they could say it so it doesn't sound so hostile to you, a sort of compromise that benefits you both? Are you willing to do the same for them with specific things that upset them? Relationships are always give and take, if either of you is getting only one side of that equation it's going to be a problem. If any of the people in your life are willing, you can work towards finding a better balance with them. Is there another way to interpret what was said or done that isn't as hurtful as your first impression? Putting a different spin on a painful experience can provide you some relief by making it less about them deliberately intending to hurt you and more about them just being clueless. Does what this person said/did really matter? Do they really have any power over what you do, think, feel about yourself? Should you allow them that power? Can you regain a sense of peace once you're away from them?

Remember, your life is your own and you can always work on treating yourself with respect and care. Sometimes that means you can only refuse to internalize hateful treatment directed at you. And as long as you don't live down to the things other people accuse you of then good people will see you as you really are. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find some new people to spend time with, maybe try volunteer work or a yoga class or whatever appeals to you. Being able to distract yourself with other interests is a skill that can serve you well no matter what problems life brings.

Try different things, try everything. Keep talking on this website here for as long as it helps. Keep looking for more things you can do to help yourself. Do those things as often as necessary to get through the rough spots. There are people willing to be kind to you so don't lose hope. Strive to be gentle with yourself, in thoughts, words and actions. Life can get better.

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