I slept with my friends ex's twice
I am a 21 year old girl. About half a year ago I got really drunk and slept with my friends ex. At that time they were broken up for about 2 years, but they always kept in contact and even slept together sometimes.
First of all, the guy was a dick to my friend but she was always too blind to see it. He would manipulate her and sleep with other girls while they were still texting (not together, he broke up with her because he fell out of love with her). We, her friends, would always try to protect her and say that she just needs to get over him but she never would. Everybody got a bit tired of them 2 and just gave up on giving her advice about that she just shouldnt see him anymore. Some of my other friends where friends with him too (way before my friend and him started dating) so its all just a bit fucked up and complicated. My other friends didnt wanna hurt him since they are friends, so they would never say anything about his behaviour towards his ex to him and just let my friend and him figure this all out by themselves. Apart from him being a total dick to my friend (his ex), hes actually a pretty chil guy. But I was never friends with him.
One time when I was out in town, my friends ex was there too. I got really really drunk and we ended up having sex. I regretted it sooo much and told her 3 days later, and she immideatly forgave me. I was so happy and relieved. But after she told she me she would forgive me, she started ignoring me and just basically not forgive me at all. This was fine by me, I told her that she didnt have to forgive me if she didnt want to, but when she said she would forgive me I could at least expect her to act normal and not still hate me. The most frustrating thing was, that she never really got mad at her ex for doing this even though he didnt wanna tell her about us at all and he didnt even regret anything. She even slept with him 5 days(!!!!) after I slept with him. He just got away with everything while I was getting ignored for weeks for telling the truth and actually apologizing. This made me really mad but I decided not to say anything about it because I figured it wouldnt make any difference since she is too blind to see he's a dick to her.
I didnt have any contact with him after that, until about 2 months later. I would see him when I went out but I would never talk to him. We basically started texting (he textrd me firsrt) and it was harmless. He would flirt sometimes, but I would just stop him and never flirt back. Since my other friends are friends with him as well, I didnt feel bad about texting him. In the beginning I would give him advice about how he should either just leave my friend (his ex) alone, or he should try and have a relationship with her again. Because thats basically what she still wants, to get back together with him. So I was even trying to help her while texting him while she was still ignoring me.
One night, I went out again and he was there again. We started talking and I was really really drunk, again. I slept with him again but I basically didnt feel bad about it. He and I decided not to tell her because it wouldnt make any difference except hurting her. She would still get back to him anyhow. I am really confused about how I should feel right now. She ignored me for months and I even think deep down still kinda hates me for it and she forgave him right away. I was really mad and thats why I dont feel any guilt right now. Should I feel guilty? How do you guys feel about this story? I just need some advice or opinions, anything is helpfull!
First I need to ask... Each of these times when you were drunk, did you consent to having sex with this guy?
If you even suspect the answer to that question might be no or even if you're just not sure, I urge to you talk to a trained counselor. There is a number you can call or online chat if that's easier for you at RAINN.org. The number is 800-656-HOPE (4673).
If you're absolutely confident that the answer is yes, it was consensual both times then I'm willing to say more but it's important to be sure about that because it greatly changes the nature of your situation.
Yes It was consensual both times, I've never been raped. It was just a stupid drunk decision that I made and the first time I felt really guilty but the second time I didnt.
Ok, then. I'm glad for your sake that it was consensual.
So, do you believe your friend trusted you before all this happened? If she did why would you think she could forgive and forget so quickly and easily? That she immediately said she forgave you sounds like the quick habitual response she's learned to offer after repeated betrayals by others. She had trouble getting over your betrayal and that tells me that you really hurt her. She didn't expect it from you the way she's learned to expect it from her boyfriend.
Then you got angry with her for not forgiving you quickly enough. How she "forgives" her boyfriend is a problem. That quick, easy "forgiveness" is not a behavior you should encourage or try to benefit from yourself if you care about her. That you think she should be as "forgiving" to you means you're being a problem in the same way her on-and-off-again boyfriend is. She has done nothing wrong to you from what you've described. It's her choice to forgive you in her own time or not at all. So far you've done nothing to deserve her forgiveness and regain her trust.
You slept with her boyfriend knowing it would hurt her. You thought texting him was harmless. You see him as a "pretty chill guy" except for that one little detail of being emotionally abusive to your friend. You slept with her boyfriend again. And now you are his co-conspirator in the sex and lies.
That's not the behavior of a friend. You're not helping her at all. You're not even helping yourself.
What she does with her boyfriend is not your choice to make. Your choice is whether you value her well-being (and your own) enough not to be a part of more betrayals regardless of what anyone else does or doesn't do.
What you feel is what you feel. No one can tell you what that should be. Other people can only choose whether you are the kind of person they want to have in their life based on the things you do and say. You may want to evaluate what and who you value in your life. And then try to be respectful and caring of those from now on. Among those you choose to value, I hope you at least include yourself and do what you can to avoid situations where you get too drunk and make decisions you regret later.
And btw, you weren't being a friend or even behaving like a good person when you encouraged the guy who abused your friend that he should get back together with her.
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i jus want you to say dat jus forget abt ur frn .... how can it be easy for her to forgive her ex but not u? u have already asked for fogiveness but now dont say sorry...dont feel sorry abt anything..forget dat frn like her even exist in ur life.. enjoy ur life wid other people who really loves u n understand you..