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Can, but don't want to? - now its up to you 18yrs marriage going

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ugh. i'm new here. i've been searching for some way for support/understanding.
here goes. (short version).

Been married 18yrs.
love of my Life. (not High School "sweethearts")
we met in College.

she "use to, but now, "doesn't want to.", but alas, "says she does."

sex. is a wonderful way to communicate passion between 2 people.
i'll cut to the chase here:

she use to be a lot of 'fun', in bed.
but i always felt "tested", kind of like,
i'll show you what you want/like, then stop, and not offer it.
unless you ask......

in marriage, especially over these years, i'd think we'd come to know each other better.
i don't like "asking", like in a "favor", but like allowing, and giving.. always giving.

she, apparently doesn't -show- that.. even when i've suggested things we try, or do.
hmm. nothing much, just the usual need to keep a spark alive. okay.

she liked oral sex, from her, and from me, but shortly after, says she doesn't like to receive.
and never has. but she will give, on occasion, TBT/TBH, not real well felt oral. "just to please me.".
and it has 98% of the time, not ended in that, but I have reciprocated to make sure she received something back.

i make love to her during her menstrual cycle.. not hard for me, as i Desire Her.. in/at any time.
just a note. (that i've heard/read "guys shouldn't or don't".. blah. well i do. (as in our vows.)
i'm a gentlemen. i can't help it. i get called a sweetheart, and a honey, Allllll the time, (via coworkers, friends, etc)

one thing after another, from 18yrs ago, she pursued interest in "other things", not just oral, but positions..

now.. it's like, "what do you (i) want." and then she (sorry for the laymen term) "half ass's her effort".
and doesn't "remember", or when i say "To please you.", she says, "Shes Fine."... how boring.. okay, i'm sorry (?)
but seriously. ? :( WHAT I -WANT- is for Her to Know and to Feel Me. and to allow me to enjoy pleasing her.
and for her to feel like I feel about Her. if it is what "i" want, ?? or am I too much for her? (sexually) :/ That would be a heartbreak.
I want to enjoy life and having someone as beautiful as she is to me.. is hard.

now it's "all up to me." to decide, involve, entice, .... in my opinion, that is not a "relationship", it's more of a short order recipe. :(

What does SHE want is what I am asking? to take charge? of course i would love to.. she is just a shy, and a bit overweight,
i DON'T see her as that, -she- does, (i have no complaints).. and possibly, i have trust issues with Her after all of this.. easily i could.???

I've asked her if love making was (to her) a spousal chore, or an obligation, (with some kinder words), and she said no. (of course).
(otherwise i would have tried something different, in approach, and touch, i don't know... but Something is up...?!?@?)

shes 40, im 44.
we have two (extremely Wonderful) Children. Worth more than the World to each of us.

What gives???

its Not "an age thing", trust me. if it were .... well, it just isn't.
feel free to ask anything* I am always Honest (as she says "To A Fault", and usually feel guilty for that,
but I am anyways. my own philosophy there i guess. Honesty is the Best route.

it's like I've married someone whom the title brings up, "can, but wont, but i use to, but (for other reasons) wont now." )she says she "DOES" Though.
Do I have a good marriage? its not based around Sex/Love Making, but it is IMO a crucial point.
it seems to be based on money.. we don't have a lot, longer story, no problems, but is just the way it seems.. to me, from her.
she wants more of money than she does of me. (maybe i answered my own question here/posted? - i sure as !@# hope not.. but if that is the case.. please identify it with/for me!?)

I have written her Pages of "my thoughts", and she generally takes it and says things like "well, i'm sorry YOU feel that Way. but that's just not how it is (to her)... of course not. hence the point of me reaching out, to her, and then now to you.

18 yrs.. i don't know how much longer I can feel .... hmmm, neglected? no. she is wonderful in every other way.
(aside from IMO, clinging to Her family a little much, but that's just me/another post;)
i do feel something.. something that I don't like, and never have, nor probably ever will...

tested.. uncomfortable.. pressured (to be .. something? ..not myself?), i dunno.. please help. if you can.

btw- off area here, but she use to enjoy giving me oral, and usually I only requested it to help Me receive an erection.
she doesn't seem to really like My erections, prefers me a little "shorter".. okay, thats fine, but -I- can accommodate that elsewise too.
and alas, she "requires" i use a Condom for oral sex. (i have RARELY came from her giving that to me, but she says she doesn't like my "texture". okay. fine.

I Feel Rejected.

I didn't ask for this, i only give and (try) to show Her support.
but somehow, she doesn't want it.. ? I'll leave this post as it is for now.

Thank you. very much.

Can, but don't want to? - now its up to you 18yrs marriage going

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Wow..well coming from a woman , her interest seems to be else where. She doesn't seem interested in the relationship like you are. For a woman to not want a man to go down on her would probably be a insecurity. Maybe she doesn't feel good about her self. Perhaps she's depressed. How much time do you spend doing things that interest her? Not sex, not money.. Things she like to do. Take her out? A walk, ice cream, anything... Ifyou have been together so long. You need some adventure, be spontaneous . and well, if that doesn't work, I'm all for giving her a taste of her own medicine. Grow some balls and just ignore her too.. Keep your distance, like she is doing with you. Keep to yourself, go out, even for a walk by your self, find SOMETHING for you to do without her. Make her feel how she makes you feel. If she bothers to show interest in why you have distanced yourself, more than likely she's bored to death in your relationship, in that case ( bring in some toys ) , but before that , sit down and talk to her and work on having an honest , no holds barred conversation and both of y figure out how to make your relationship better and exciting. If she doesn't bother to ask why your coming home late, or what you're doing then...... She's probably seeing someone else.

Can, but don't want to? - now its up to you 18yrs marriage going

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Hi X1705, let me know if I understood correctly...

I think you said that you know your wife doesn't want sex even when she says she does? She used to be adventurous in bed and now she doesn't make an effort? You don't like asking her but she wants you to ask? You mentioned trust issues. Are you talking about not trusting that she's answering your questions honestly? Or did you mean something else? She prefers using a condom but you resent that and feel rejected. You say she's told you that you are honest "to a fault." Could that mean she often feels you're critical? disappointed? like nothing she does is good enough?

Are you averse to talking during sex? Does that fall into the don't ask just show limitation you have? Is she averse to talking? Has she been able to talk openly about what she likes and doesn't like and you are ok and accepting when you hear it? Do you think she might not feel like she can speak honestly on sex and/or non-sex topics? That if she doesn't feel the way you want her to feel, you would be offended or resentful? Could she be avoiding sex now because she always feels like a failure afterwards?

I don't believe her interest in you is just about money, but it may be that monetary things seem to make her happier right now because they're less demanding of her than you are and maybe she feels like she can't please you anymore.

There are also many physical reasons why women can experience a drop in libido. For one, there are hormonal changes that start in women around 40, earlier than that actually. It's a pre-menopausal period before the full menopause that happens near age 50 for most women. There is even something similar to impotence in women, the physical response isn't there the way it was before even when the woman really emotionally wants it to be. My point is, there can be real physical reasons if her libido has diminished that have nothing to do with her emotional attachment to you. Though if there is a physical reason it can have an emotional impact on her similar to how the condition impacts men and you may be sensing that. It still doesn't mean she loves you any less.

Are there other stressors that may be leaving her feeling drained emotionally or physically? You said she's too clingy with her family? Do you mean her parents or her children? And how is she too clingy? Are her parents still living? is anyone in her family in poor health or going through a difficult time? Has there been any big changes or upheavals in the past or in the near future that may be hitting her just now?

If your relationship with your wife is satisfying in every other way, then perhaps it's because of a problem in the way you two communicate and/or changes she's going through physically or emotionally. Communication is always a two-way effort. Giving her pages about your feelings can be a lot of pressure, like you're dumping a lot of unhappiness or expectations on her all at once in a format that is daunting and difficult to respond to. And maybe she's misunderstanding you and responding to you based on that misunderstanding. When she says "that's how YOU feel" that still doesn't say what she feels and you shouldn't assume you know or jump to believing the worst.

Would you be able to find a relaxed, casual time to ask her simple, non-threatening, non-accusing questions about what interests her? and not just what she wants in bed? Improving intimacy in non-sexual ways should also help you connect better during sex. Just remember not to assume you already know what she wants or thinks. Even if you knew what she liked last year, last week, or even yesterday, it may be different now because people do change with time, experiences and mood. It's about finding out what she actually wants instead of what you think she should want. Maybe you also need to ask her if she worries about upsetting you if she talks about herself with you. It may only be a lot of misunderstandings that keep you two from connecting. Especially if misunderstandings have been accumulating for 18 years. But if there is a physical component to her diminished interest, she may not understand why she doesn't feel the way she used to. In fact, there's a good chance she wouldn't. Female sexual dysfunction isn't a widely talked about issue and some people don't even acknowledge that it can be a problem.

What do you think? Any of these ideas sound possible?

Can, but don't want to? - now its up to you 18yrs marriage going

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Thank You for your Replies, both of you.


I think you are closer for me to finding an understanding. and growing from.

You have given me a lot to consider and to work out (within myself), and pending some time and closeness with her.
(we do go for a lot of outings, walks, family things, usually spend 3-5 entire Days together, every week.

We prefer "quality time/family time" versus "watching tv(we don't even have cable-by choice for just this matter)

Anyways, This week may be a very busy week, for the both of us, but I want to digest what you wrote more, and
get back with you before I embark on this different (albeit other perspective) THANK YOU! :)

you only mentioned a couple of things that I don't think were clear from me, but I can still work with that. :)

*in short though, I can see most, if not almost ALL of Your points to be Very possible. Just give me time to (not analyze:)
but to really think on your points, so far.. i think, you have hit a Lot of nails on the head. There may be some other (smaller)
'issues', regarding either of us, but this is a HUGE ice breaker/for me.. and I will bet, when I get it sorted first in my head,
and put it more into practice, that it may solve a lot, if not all of these "issues" that -I- have had (misunderstandings being #1),
that I have been wondering, holding on to, worrying and hurting, probably the both of us from.

Thank you, Sincerely.
I'll get more back to you as soon as I can.
(give me about a week) Thanks.

Can, but don't want to? - now its up to you 18yrs marriage going

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Do you have, or know of any books (good authors) that you could suggest for me to read?

something that will help me understand, --How-- to communicate better, love/show (her) better.

*maybe this question is better asked After i get some time with the first one, lol :)
but it's on my list. :) if you know of any, i would be grateful.

Thank you.

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