I am good for nothing
Hi...im 17 years old...i live my parents and i got no siblings....about 3 months back i found that my dad is having an affair with a married woman that lives in my native country...he goes there every year saying he wants to meet his parents but i know he ends up having sex with her cause i have seen some photos in his phone.. i know he loves me a lot but i cant love him back the way i used to and the problem is my mom is completely unaware of this..
whereas my mother was always abusive...i know she loves me to death but she is a very angry and strict woman...she tells me im an embarrassment to her and that she is ashamed of me...i have no talent, i get a gpa of 4.2 but still i am dumb person for her... she calls me fat, pig, elephant because i weigh 65kgs..she compares me to everyone...whenever she asks me what im good at..i have no answer because i am not good at anything and day by day im starting to feel i am worthless... sometimes i think about running away or to end my life..but i cant bring myself to do it..
If YOU'VE managed to see photos in his phone then how come your mother hasn't? Or has she but fails to care either way?
I understand how you feel you can't love him in the same way. But here's the thing, KARISHMA59 - you would be experiencing this disillusionment at your age even if he were all-round squeaky clean. And this is because it's nature's way of stretching or breaking the umbilicus between you and your parents just as you're nearing the home-leaving age, so that it can't hold you back from branching out into the wider world to where your particular fortune awaits.
I *am* squeaky-clean (I bust a gut to make sure I am!) and yet my son often calls me 'uncool' and 'embarrassing' and whatever else. Even the best parent in the world can't win and aren't MEANT to win. If my son thought I was amazing and his step-dad amazing, etc., etc., then what possible reason and motivation would he ever find to leave home like he'll soon be ready to do?
However, in your case, you're getting the thick end of that wedge, meaning, 'uncool/embarrassing' becomes 'over-strict b*tch + (now) low-down-dirty man'. I can also understand why this is hitting you so hard. It's because you used to feel he was your one, reliable parent in terms of a mutual affinity through same wavelength. Correct?
Question: If your mother and father didn't exist and never had, what then would be your opinion of yourself? And do you, for example, tend to manage quite happily to spend protracted periods on your own (say, in your bedroom, reading)?
It's simply not possible to be a human being and not have some or other talent, albeit that for most it usually takes getting out and about in the big, wide world in order to stumble upon things that you have a (surprisingly) naturally high aptitude towards. It might even be something completely radical of which you've as yet had zero access or don't even know exists! For example, maybe you'd be amazing as a circus lion-tamer; but until you've TRIED it (or had a bedroom as big as a circus tent, replete with live lions), how on earth would you know? That you HAVEN'T found your 'thang' yet indicates only that you and 'your thang' have yet to 'meet' outside of your fairly small and limited present environment thus isn't to be found at home or college, etc.
I'll tell you what you patently ARE good at already (despite it's been getting worn thinner lately). And that's this: having the mental muscle and bone structure to withstand 'punches' and not be floored by them. THAT IS RARE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE! MOST *ADULTS* CAN'T EVEN DO IT!!! I.e., it's a [wait for it]......talent!
What sorts of careers require that kind of mental strength and resilience, determination, stamina and independent-mindedness AND RESOURCEFULNESS (you thinking to come here), do you suppose? Judge? Heart Surgeon? Army Officer? Threatre actor?... Think about it... Long periods of stress - repeatedly - without buckling or losing concentration.
You, my sweet, are a De Luxe Bucket. So 'big' and robust are you that no matter HOW many drip-drip-drips fall into you, you never overflow (apart from a negligible, one-off little bit 'today' just to relieve some weight).
However, back to your mum. Let's put 2 and 2 together to get that 4 called, 'my mum is nasty and over-critical towards me and my dad is having a second relationship on the side'. I'm not condoning your mum's inability to keep her misery to herself (absolutely not!) but...the answer IS, she is deeply unhappy (either because of the bad state of her marital relationship or something preceding it or bit of both), feels trapped and powerless to make it stop, meanwhile has nowhere to discharge that miserable sensation (so's not to go mad) thus can't keep herself from taking it out on you (whom she feels she can trust not to take it back out on her, etc.).
In other words, KARISHMA59 - NOBODY is upset or disappointed in you despite they foolishly say so. This Pow! you keep bearing the brunt of is actually "OW!" but with P - Pretense - as a front. Your mum is repeatedly saying OW! whilst trying not to let on to you WHY she needs to keep yelling OW! (that's the front, the 'P'). And so is your dad (but in actions/behaviour via this affair, rather than with his mouth). And you're in the middle of it all.
It's YOUR DAD your mum hates, not you. But understand what hate is. Hate is not dislike or lack of any feelings at all (dislike/indifference results in getting ignored). Hate is an emotional cocktail - love and anger mixed together. So your mum still loves your dad but hates him for what he's done/doing and your dad hates your mum for what she's (his perception) made him go and do. You're, in a way, the tennis net that keeps getting tennis-ball type missiles shot into it as these two (note!) TALENTLESS players keep making ill-judged shots that land into you, the net. It is not personal to you. So you are NOT 'an embarrassment'. You are NOT 'talent-less'. Nor fat or a pig or an elephant... Maybe she believes that if you were this or that it would somehow compensate for how she feels generally. But I doubt that very much...or otherwise, how come even so-called successful, good-looking, star-pupil types of children come onto forums complaining of the exact same things as you? Again, it's because YOU are not the issue...just the poor victim caught in the middle of all the cross-fire (the symptoms of their dis-ease). You could be Michelle flippin' Obama herself and she would STILL be showing her incapability to keep her woe locked inside her when around you!
KARISHAMA, bullies are always, ALWAYS those who are or have been bullied themselves, trying to pass the bullying on as if they even could or that it would leave them free of their misery. Your mum feels bullied in a way. OBVIOUSLY, going by all those (P)OWs!
So please stop taking it so literally and to-heart. It truly doesn't have a THING to do with you and what you are or are not or not yet.
If that's beyond you (and fair enough if it is) then I suggest you focus on the fact that there is light at the end of your tunnel in the form of you getting to leave home fairly soon (and without it having to be in the form of running away). Or try to spend as little time around your mum as humanly possible.
The third alternative is to tell your mum you need to talk to her about something, wherein you tell her (calmly but sadly) that because of the amount and frequency of criticisms and names she levels at you, you are starting to feel worse and worse about yourself and life itself. Maybe that would 'shock her out of herself'?
Have you ever tried talking to her about this?
Well...i am not sure whether my mother has seen the photos or not...cause my dad's phone always has a password...but since i was in 3rd grade knew that something was not right with my dad because he used to have woman photos on his phone..but it all got cleared when i saw the *deed* photos..
When i was young my mother always told me that if my dad ever caheats on her wont be able to bear that..cause she wont have any support from anyone..she went against her parents to get married to my father... so i am all she has..and she is incapable of taking care of my and her need which is another reason why i dont want to tell her the truth.
Maybe you're right that she is doing it because she is frustrated towards my dad and not me...but when she is abusive, all i feel is why the hell am i being punished... its not my mistake that my dad is having an affair.
Secondly i wont be leaving home...cause my mom asked me to go to a college thats close to where i currently live so that i can stay home..so more torture for me.
And i really want to thank you for making me feel worth of something...nobody has ever told me something like this
for once in my life i felt capable of something.
Please don't allow your mother to "smother" you. The more estranged the marriage, the more she clings to you. That will be your role your total life if you don't put a stop to it NOW!
Have a talk with her and tell her you notice she is unhappy, but that you must live you life, too. That means going away to college (next year?) to get a degree and a good job. Encourage her to talk to a religious leader, her doctor, or a good friend or therapist about her unhappiness/depression.
You have a lot ahead of you and you need your independence to find your way.
Hi Karishma59, I want to chime in with Soulmate and Susie.
It's clear to me that you are not any of these insulting things your mother is accusing you of. But even more importantly, even if it was all true, you still would deserve respect, compassion and love. You do NOT deserve abuse.
That your mother doesn't recognize that is a very painful situation for you to be in. I suggest you try to spend as little time as possible in her presence, avoid taking that abuse when ever you can. Find people to talk to about it so it doesn't keep circling in your thoughts until all you feel is doubt, confusion and misery. Love and respect is not about whether you get good grades or meet a physical ideal or are more perfect than anyone else. You don't have to be perfect to deserve respect and love. And it isn't love to demand perfection from someone. I assure you there are other people out there who will agree with me on this and eventually you will be able to find them if you don't give up.
Keep looking for the people who can see your worth. It will help you if you hear these things from others in your life. Do you have any friends with good, positive parents that you could ask to listen and help you cope? Does your school have a counselor? Are there teachers you could talk to or write them a note if you have difficulty asking them face to face?
Some parents are too miserable to be good parents to their children. That's not your fault or your responsibility to fix. Allow yourself to grieve for your loss when your parents fail to treat you with respect and love. But every time you find yourself thinking their behavior is somehow your fault remind yourself that it's not. You don't have control over who your parents are or the choices they make. Don't blame yourself or hold yourself responsible for their happiness no matter how much they try to make you feel that way.
For your own sake, try to reduce the power they hold over you by spending your time on other friendships, mentors and social attachments. Look for people who have managed to be happier, kinder, respectful and professional both with you and other people. Try to learn how to treat others and how to expect to be treated yourself from those people instead. See yourself as they see you, not as your parents see you. Spend more time with people who recognize that you are worthwhile.
Look around your community for places to spend time, find a home away from home, with people who help you learn how to live better. Join after school activities. Get a part time job. Volunteer to tutor other students or ask to help teachers who you feel have helped you. Sign up for music lessons. Read books at the library until it closes. Just keep trying different things until you find what helps you. But don't only choose solitary activities. You need to seek other, more positive people to spend time with to balance out the negative stuff in your life.
And when you graduate, choose the best college for your own future. You can't live your life being either your mother's emotional crutch or her verbal punching bag. Sacrificing yourself to her demands isn't a solution to any of this.
"And i really want to thank you for making me feel worth of something...nobody has ever told me something like this
for once in my life i felt capable of something."
You're bloomin' welcome! And what a really sweet message! It put a really big smile on my face and gave me a warm glow. There you go, see? Yet another skill!
And now I can see exactly why it is your mother leans so heavily on you as both her cathartic tool and rock: you're not only a total sweetie but - what with one so young having the grace to even *think* to say thank-you - one of those 'old souls', mature beyond your years in a lot of ways. Only you're NOT an actual adult, are you. An adult would have had the time and practise to learn the self-assurance and assertiveness needed to say something, possibly along the lines of, 'Oy, you - I understand you're unhappy about something (or things), but if you insist on taking it out on me rather than confiding in me rationally or keeping it contained then I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you to your own devices!'. So this isn't a fair 'fight'.
But here's something you could try if you don't feel up to taking her on, conversationally, or if doing so proves fruitless: Every time she hits a period of striking out, respond by fairly noticeably giving her a very wide berth (stay in your room or go out, using whatever semi-plausible, semi-unbelievable excuses you can think of so that she can tell or at least suspect you're fibbing and fobbing her off). Eventually, she'll put 2 and 2 together and, assuming she values your company or presence (which she obviously does), should cease pushing you away as leaves her effectively abandoned and somewhat ostracised from 'the pack'. (I know it's just the two of you but that's still a pack.)
In this way, what you're doing is what I call the Boomerang tactic. Her lashing out (not, as discussed, AT you but in your direction), will miss you completely only to come back full circle and hit HER. Right in the face. Her b*tching, criticising and moaning will therefore become a palpably self-harmful act (consequences, consequences!), and not only that but will achieve nothing else productive or worthwhile..quite the opposite. This particular behaviour of hers will then gets registered in her mind as futile. Not only that, but also painful (for her and only her). Nobody but NOBODY perseveres with something that achieves zero, let alone hurts/harms them on top. Humans are hard-wired to avoid futility and same for pain.
She hasn't as yet been the one to suffer the consequences of her actions, you see, meaning there's been nothing to make it worth her while NOT to do it/to stop.
Me, I don't do ignoring or round the houses; I was always a brave and cocky little wotsit, right from the off. So when in my late teens my late mum hit the menopause, which she obviously struggled horribly with, and starting trying to take it out on me, yet denying she was or refusing to admit she was struggling if ever I tried to tackle her over it, I switched to responding with a little ditty:
You are me
And I am you
If I am [insert critical label]
Then you are too.
...and that's it! That is literally all I would say in response...never anything else, no matter HOW hard she'd try to provoke and engage me in order to position me ready for unloading onto....followed by walking off (and not conversing with her for a good hour or more, other than very formally and coolly). It worked like a dream in a very short space of time (- fast learner, my mother.
). Just one week, if I recall correctly.
We've all been there at some time in our lives, you see, whether with a parent or sibling, whomever... Maybe not as habitually as you, but, still...
And then you'll have yet ANOTHER skill: puppy training, LOL. If she poos on the carpet - no choccie drop. If she poos in the litter tray where she's supposed to - choccie drop (and a pat on the head).
Sounds bonkers but...that's humans for ya!
well..i did visit my school counselor yesterday and all she told me was to confront my dad about his affair:/ umm...i don't think i have the guts to do that but talking to her actually kinda helped...thank to you guys
And about my mother...i kinda started avoiding her and well..i think it has resulted in less arguments between us which i'm thankful for...i don't know how long it will last but yeah..it better than before..
SUSIEDQQQ & SMILESUPSIDEDOWN- Thank you so much for encouraging me to talk to someone about it
SOULMATE- i laughed so hard about the situation between you and your mum
... that was actually quite a smart move i must say.. i wished i had the skill to do that..and thank you so much again to make me feel like i did have skills and im not worthless
Oh, EXCELLENT news! Aren't YOU a regular Speedy Gonzalez!
And on behalf of Susie and SUD - you're very, very welcome!
Feel free to post here again any time if you need to or just feel like chatting with friendly faces. Also, bear in mind you now have not only a protractedly tough experience under your belt but are already firmly on your way to resolving it or easing it to where it's entirely manageable/ignorable. If or when we get another young person in your same/similar boat, you will then be the perfect person to advise and support them!
Does that sound like a plan? Say no if you wouldn't want to, though, obviously.
Yeah! i would love to help someone that is going through a similar problem as me..
I had a same problem before. Hope you can find the best way for your life.