SABBY007 - May 29 2015 at 16:19
So I've been fighting tears all week, from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep. I need advice on how to be happy. I've been in a 15 yr relationship and love him but I just am not happy. Our relationship is not perfect but it could be worse. The issue is everything about ME, I'm 30 I just got my associates degree (should be happy) but I feel like a loser, I don't do things that I love because no one wants to join me because it's not their interests. My fiances interests are the complete opposite and he refuses to do my interests, he says if I loved him I wouldn't make him do things he didn't like. I guess I understand but at the same he should be willing do something every once in a while. I want to get away but don't know how. I feel lost, sad, unloved, misunderstood and don't know what to in order to sorry about myself. With my fiances personality I feel as though if I say I'm going away or I'm lonely or depressed or feel unloved he will automatically assume its him or think I'm exaggerating. Please any advice will be appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Why can't you do things on your own? Why do you need to do stuff with another person? You need to learn not to become co-dependent on your fiance. That is very unhealthy in a relationship.
Really deep and lasting love *needs* co-dependence. It's if it goes TOO FAR that it's unhealthy. "Everything in moderation" is the key. But then you have to define 'moderation' which to one couple might mean habitually doing their own things (despite they share a bed and eat supper together) and to another, mean being Thing 1 and Thing 2.
And, SABBY007, I'm not too happy about the fact he refuses to meet you halfway with your interests...although that obviously begs the question of whether you join him with some of his? If you do then I'm *definitely* unimpressed with him! Marriage, after all, is about becoming one unit comprised of two individuals. Obviously the extent at which you merge is down to mutual personal preference. But there does have to be SOME merging. Otherwise, how can you call yourselves a couple (or teammates) if what things you're batting for are totally separate?
What the 'eck are you supposedly to do if/when you have kids as demands weekend and holiday outings? Monday you take them to the park and Tuesday he takes them to MacD's? May as well just be housemates.
So, yes, I'm with you - he should (again, assuming you do for him).
I don't think you need feel lost, sad, misunderstood and unloved, though. Just loved by someone who isn't prepared and/or has never been taught compromise/sharing....or perhaps feels he's done too much of that in other areas of your relationship compared to you??
If you said you felt like going away, etc., then surely the truth is it IS him? Or at least a lot to do with him? So what are you saying? That you wish to have a separation/time to yourself without giving him cause to think he should end the relationship?
She needs to learn to be happy herself. The problem with her is she's depending her happiness on someone else and it isn't fair to the other person. It's too heavy of a burden to carry. If she wanted to go away on vacation and the fiance isn't into traveling, then she can go by herself. If they are so different that she is unhappy, then they are not compatible, plain and simple. If that is the case, she needs to reconsider her relationship, probably is not the right one for her.
Thanks for the feedback everyone, and its not that I don't do anything by myself its that I "can't" do things on my own. He'll say take someone don't go by yourself and he'll complain about how dangerous or how stupid it is that I can't find someone. Trust me I don't mind doing things by myself, its just that he'll complain so much until I decide to not go anymore. Im just tired of his excuses therefore I start agreeing and come up with excuses. I do do things with him so yeah I think its unfair.
Ah, so he doesn't allow you to do things on your own... Now, that is a different story. Talk to him and let him know that if he can't join you then you don't have a choice but to go it alone. You can't be agreeing with what he wants all the time. What about what you want?
Maybe you should take a step back and re-evaluate your whole relationship. Because in a healthy relationship there is compromise in all things. You should both do things that each of you enjoy even if the other doesn't enjoy it because of the fact that you love them you should be willing to try or do what they enjoy. If he doesn't understand that then you need to talk to your love and make that person understand. If you have friends then that is when you hang out with them and do the things that you love if you don't then find people who enjoy doing what you love eventually you will either find a new love or figure out what it means to love yourself. You cannot love yourself when you dont do what makes you happy. So in my opinion I say you take a week away from your significant other and find yourself and do what you enjoy and when you come back you will be able to decide if what you think you want is really what you want.
Thanks again everyone I'm definitely going to take your advice and I'm feeling very hopeful not only for your advise but I received a call from my fiance saying that he was thinking and that I was right about him having to do more things with me. Again thank you and I hope that he really does understand compromise.
What a result! Maybe your vibe since that argument has been powerful enough that he could clearly TELL he was on shaky ground if he didn't give in and do the right thing quick-sharpish? :-) Must have also helped, the fact (I presume) you didn't at any point in that night creep upstairs in tears, begging to immediately make up and willing to cave purely just to put a stop to the pain of 'hostility', and instead gritted your teeth and stayed standing up for what you believed in! Nice work, missus! And he'll benefit in the end, same as you - you just watch and wait!
Let's be honest, though, what with that call it now becomes transparent that it WASN'T that he didn't want to spend time with you. He was just trying it on with you...using the issue as something over which to assert himself and his manly 'authoritah' (yawn). I think, therefore, you two must have hit one of the late-coming, mini power struggle phases of your relationship wherein certain previously un-finalised issues finally get tackled and negotiated over.
Who knows? Next time (if there even is one) it'll probably be him suddenly deciding he doesn't like X, Y or Z despite up until then he seemed to love or even insist on it). But this was one of the IMPORTANT, IMPACTFUL issues - a fundamental relationship-health one - and not one to play silly stubborn buggers over (talking about him, obviously). So again - well done you for  having recognised it was so vital, and  having refused to let that past 'rule' remain un-confronted and renegotiated.
This, therefore, is not just a major coup for you but for the relationship.... like a weight around both sets of ankles has suddenly got taken off. Result: NNNNNNYYyyyyeeeeeoooow!, the Fiat magically becomes a Jaguar Sport. :-)
He'll sheepishly slide in an apology for that one day, I'm betting. Or tell it like an anecdote, but where roles are reversed as if spending more time and sharing more interests was all HIS idea and you the one who had to be persuaded round! LOL. *Do* try not to hit him over the head with the frying-pan when that happens, won't you? Trust me, a rotten cucumber is FAR more effective! :-D
But now, on a more serious note: I would advise you to think long and hard about whether there are any things he's been wanting and/or campaigning for, either for years or just recently, that you originally veto-ed and, if there is, to perhaps think about relenting or re-negotiating more in his favour? Reason I say this is because the fact he made a stand the wrong and unhealthy way (when, as your male counterpart, he can't possibly be that dense, normally) is very revealing. It tells me he feels he's not got as much of his fair share of say and control compared to you, hence was desperate enough to pick on poor old, innocent Quality Time. See if you can find one or more 'little issues' to hand over to him, like a Thank-You gift. Basically, if he feels he's got roughly the same or slightly greater weight of sweeties as you from that original bag, he won't then feel the need to 'mug' extra ones off of the relationship. Make sense?
...talking of nice work:
I thought that was amazing teamwork, everybody! Every single angle was addressed and every post succinct and eloquent!
Cocktail consultation - love it! ("More like this thread, please, Bartender?")
PS Sillyme: Ta for the clarification, but it was just that one, tiny co-dependence point I disagreed with, not the rest, and even then, only in specific regard to *degrees* (in line with personal preferences) as opposed to a blanket attitude towards the mechanism itself. It's just that it's one of those 80s buzzwords that got adopted by the man on the street, in the process mistakenly re-painted as automatically having to mean something negative. Time together is a tool for relationship happiness, same as time apart, I'm sure you'll agree, but like any tool, either of those two in the wrong hands will be used as WEAPONS (or excuses to be stubborn over). When in the right hands and assuming both relationship parties additionally have equally big appetites for love/attention and responsibility, copious time together tends NOT to be a burden and instead gets taken for a pleasure and privilege. But I suppose I could have made my pedantic point shorter, sweeter and more precise in meaning had I left it at, 'You must mean OVER-co-dependence?'. (Just wanted to clear up my end...as the actress said to the bishop. :-))
PS Susie: "If you like sky diving and he likes oil painting, it can still work."
Yes, only...Wouldn't the paint get blown off the brushes on the way down?
Hahaha! He just might think it was his idea but I do understand and thank you everyone for taking the time to hear me vent. And I'll see what I can shift around lol
Susie: "If you like sky diving and he likes oil painting, it can still work."
Soulmate: "Yes, only...Wouldn't the paint get blown off the brushes on the way down?"
Me: Depends what you mean by "diving and oil painting" and then there's always a matter of Technique. Ooh la la ;)
To Sabby, I'm happy it worked out for you and I hope my off-color joke isn't being rude. I wish you the best.
Touche, Madame! :-D
Yeah, try letting him hog the duvet or surf irritatingly over-rapidly through all the telly channels (and back again). Apparently they really like those two. ;-)