Why is it always my fault?
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years this October. We have two wonderful children together. I love him, and he says he loves me. I took a job this last month and have been working odd hours after being a stay at home mom for our children the last 3 years. Since then, my husband and I haven't been getting along. We fight all the time, but whenever we do, its my fault. I'm being a bitch, I'm attacking him, I'm in a foul mood, when I can just walk in the door and he is already pissed, but it is always my fault. I asked him if he minded me working, and if he did, I would quit. We don't really need the extra money, it was mostly just for experience. He said he like it cause he can get free food. Last night, we slept in different beds. For the first time in our marriage, I slept in the living room. He has always been about making sure we always slept together, everynight, and we find a way to get over our differences before we go to bed. I agree with him. I sent him an email last night, saying I really wanted to work things out and change things for the better, to try to be more understanding of each other. He didn't even open it. He always checks his email before going to work. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Like he's not willing to try to make us work, to fight for us. We always said we would never put each other through an unhappy marriage, we both saw what that was like growing up. I'll admit I am insecure, but this time, I feel like these problems are real, and they are going to ruin our marriage.
Instead of emailing, why can't you have a face to face conversation with your husband? My guess is, he's not happy that you went back to work and that he now needs to pitch in to take care of your children plus do some household chores. Too bad, explain to him that you want to work and be/feel productive instead of being just a stay at home mom. There are many wives who find themselves lost when the husbands leave them after years of staying at home to take care of the children. You don't want to be one of them so kudos to you for wanting to go back to the workforce.
"Because you're the strong one".
That's the usual attitude, anyway.
Your husband is obviously having trouble accepting or adjusting to you not being as constantly available to him (or the kids) (or both) any more. So maybe when he says you're being a bitch, etc., etc., what he REALLY means is - for having unavailed yourself. That would mean that all so-called arguments that he starts are just cover excuses for his real gripe.
'Because he can get free food'. PFF. That sounds like a porkie-pie. NO food is worth ones wife suddenly being less available where before - for most of the time he'd (in that context) known her - she was, constantly; who does he think he's kidding? Why can't he just tell you the truth?
"He has always been about making sure we always slept together, everynight, and we find a way to get over our differences before we go to bed."
Yeah, it's easy to say that when the differences are relatively manageable and feel like they'll always be, isn't it. But now that there's a biggie (in direct proportion to the bigger size of the relationship), obviously he can't follow his own set protocol.
So again - why can't he just tell you the truth, that he DOESN'T like you working (or working that much)? Might you (his fear) respect him less for having proven his above ethos false or true only up to a point?
Didn't open your email? What is he - superhuman? PMSL! Yes he did. Bet my house on it he did. And yours. In fact, everyone here's house!
You're not going crazy, HE is (not literally)...and you're soaking some of it up. "I feel like he doesn't love me anymore." Wrong. The opposite. Because "I don't care that much" is as "I can't care that much" *DOES*. What he's doing is "I *really* care!".
Either demand he admits you working (or some aspects of you working) bothers him and how/why, or just ignore him for a wee bit longer whilst he (yawn) tries to work out for himself why he's having this struggle with himself when it comes to realising, grasping then articulating what, how, and why he feels bad about your no longer being a stay-at-home wife and mum.
BUT! ...How did you frame your question about whether he minded you working? Did the way you phrase it deter him from making a true admission??? Are you Scary Lady?
You don't have an unhappy marriage, you've just hit a wee struggle spot plus are still overwrought and overwhelmed from the fighting and the fact you had to sleep on the sofa for the first time ever. It's a lovely ideal, never going to bed on an argument, but it doesn't always work in practise/in the real world.
Ha-ha. If you're insecure then he's His Highness Insecurity from Insecurityville! No. The difference between you two is that you're OPEN with your insecurity whilst he keeps it hidden and acts it out instead. The one that acts out the most is the insecure one - PSYCH FACT!
"I feel like these problems are real, and they are going to ruin our marriage"
(PS: Crossover with SILLYME, look. And - same forest, just slightly different trees.
Yup - he's pouting. You used to be totally devoted to the home and welfare of all the inhabitants (especially him) - now you have a job!
Is he complaining now because he might have to cook a meal or clean up once in a while? Or is it an Ego thing (My wife is WORKING? What does that make me?)
I've seen this scenario often. His "role" is being threatened.
Ok so the problem is that you are working, he is used to you staying home and being a house wife(not in a bad way). And you working is just freaking him out and the fact that you work late worries him because you get home later than he does. You are not the only one who is insecure he is as well, he could be thinking that you are cheating or he may just not like the fact that you are gone often. Where you went wrong is when you sent him an email instead of sending an email go to him and talk to him face to face contact is more effective. And when you have this conversation then that is when you will find out the real issue. He may also feel bad to say that he doesn't want you to work but if you feel that is where all if this anger is coming from and you really don't have to work and dont really want to then for your marriages sake then don't work. If you are working to make yourself happy and to occupy your time then don't stop because he doesn't like it compromise, see if you can adjust your hours so that you may be able to spend more time with him and your children. Because the problem may be that he just misses having you around and wants more of your time. In a relationship there isn't just one person to blame so dont think its your fault because it is his as much as it is yours blame is taken equally. Talking is the best way to solve this no more emails if he wont step up and make the first move then you do it.