Unrequited love: trapped in the cycle
Hi people... I am having a problem and would love to get you all's advice on how to deal with it.
I'm trapped in a back-and-forth cycle of yearning for and wanting to move on from this guy, who I believe does not have true feelings for me the same way I do for him.
To make a long story short: there's this guy that I started talking to a little over a year ago. We never became a couple or even dated exclusively, but when we started communicating, I was going through a tough time as my father was ailing, and I had some other difficult personal issues I was dealing with. He just so happened to be the guy who was there that I talked to about the things I was going through, and it was nice to have someone to talk to. Unfortunately, things between us seriously declined very shortly thereafter, and by the summer we had parted ways. However, back in February, I got back in touch with him after getting out of a bad relationship. I was lonely. He was open to communicating. So we began chatting online through a social site. Three months later, we're still chatting regularly, which is fun. And, it does seem like he is at least somewhat interested in knowing what's going on in my life, and I am in his too. But... he never initiates the conversation. I'm always the one to initiate it. Plus, he never calls or anything else. Just chatting. And I see him liking other girls' pictures on the site, which makes me really JEALOUS. I get angry and think back over all the bad things that happened between us in the past, which makes me just want to quit him altogether, but then I find myself still thinking about him, still wanting to talk to him, wishing he would call. And then I send that message and start the whole cycle back over again.
How do I stop this? How do I just get over this guy? I have been out of school for a year and am about to start an internship this summer, then grad school this fall. I'm hoping that focusing on school will get me off thinking about him.
Hi Misstoofresh, this is what I understood from your post...
You met a guy who was something like a casual chat therapist for you during some difficult times. He fulfilled that need for a while but then you became lonely, started thinking you were in love with chat-therapist-guy and wanted to make him your boyfriend instead. He didn't want that and now you're frustrated, angry and ready to give up.
I think it would help you move on if you recognize and remind yourself that he's not obliged to be everything you want him to be for you. He was kind and willing to listen at a time when you really needed that. But now that your needs have changed, you need to stop yourself any time you want to send him a message. You might tell yourself it's just a simple harmless message, but that's not true because your feelings about him have changed. If you want another casual chat-therapist you need to find someone else for that. If you want a boyfriend you need to find someone else for that.
Staying busy with studies and other activities should help, but you also need to break the habit of seeking comfort, reassurance, understanding or love from this guy. You'll need to look for someone else, probably more than one someone else, to meet those social needs. Basically, meet new people. Anytime you find yourself wanting to send that guy a message, choose to go out and find other people to talk to instead.
Actually, a more accurate characterization of his role in my life is ex-flame. As I mentioned, we never became a couple, so he's not an ex-boyfriend, but we did meet under the pretenses of romantic attraction. Things just didn't work out. My jealousy comes mainly from the fact that it seems he's pursuing this other girl, based on his interactions on the site, and showing her attention that he never showed me. I've given a lot of time and effort (and suffered a lot of heartache) in the pursuit of his affections. It still doesn't obligate him to do anything, but hopefully that sheds some light on the source of my frustration.
That's understandable. It sounds like you've had some tough times and all relationships can be confusing. I think you're making the right choices about staying busy with studies except I do think it's very important to make new social connections in a different place than where you've been interacting with this guy. Whatever you're ready for, maybe some casual friendships or even just hanging out with new acquaintances that share some of your interests. I think that part is important to helping you move on.