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Relational problems

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Hello everyone,
Thanks for opening this thread.
Please spare a few minutes over my problem and kindly offer suggestions and clarifications.

The story :

I am 18 years old and I have known a girl since I was in the third grade. We were close friends for a long time and our friendship lasted till the nineth grade. In the nineth grade, our relationship turned to become more than best friends. We have now been in a relationship for 4 years and everything was just perfectly fine. Not to forget to mention, we broke up a year ago for 6 months then she couldn't keep up and starting talking to me again and we re-united again. So 4 years in a relation with 6 months in between a break. Everything was perfectly fine and we enjoyed our time a lot, we spend hours everyday on the phone, we hang out whenever we can, i get her gifts whenever i can and so does she, we spend a minimum of 2-3 hours everyday on video calls at night before we go to sleep. Recently, I realized some weird things in our relation. When she asks me to do something, I directly do it but when I ask her to do something more than 4-5 times, she still doesnt do it. And also, the thing which has been getting on my nerves badly now is the disrespect she gives me. Earlier she used to be so respectful and you could feel it in her tone when she speaks that she respects me. Now, she always answers back in our arguments. Earlier when we argued, she used to stay silent and not say a single word in order to keep things low, but now, whenever we argue she answers back with the most shocking words and hurtful words ever. I would spend long minutes just staring at the wall wondering how can she even say such stuff after all we've done. Add also, she started getting too silly, for example, if we are on a video call and I get an important email to respond to and I put the phone aside (she couldnt see me any longer till I reply to the email) I come back from the email and I find her also keeping her phone aside, when i ask her whats up with that she says "Well, you're keeping me aside so I'll also do the same" .. Few details about me and my personality : I know that when someone is writing about themselves or about a problem, they would make it appear as they are the ones who are always right and would praise themselves but I promise you this isn't the case here and that I am saying everything exactly as it appears and will write with all honesty. I am the type of a person that many girls wish to have (I'm not being a show-off) honestly, I am a straight A student, always dressing in the most respectable and high class way. My father is a CEO of a company that runs on 3 billion USD a year. Our economical situation is very well. I am the only boy in high school who was gifted a brand new 2014 car from my dad. I have more than 100 certificates. I am learning the German language and passed many exams and going to study in Germany. Obtained first place positions in many sport competition across the city in table tennis, karate (brown belt), MMA, basketball. I was also the captain of the basketball team of our school in High school. I NEVER did ANYTHING that might cause her to be upset. Never spoke to other girls and if i do, that would be very little and with great formality. So don't give me excuses like "She thinks you're having an affair with someone" else because she knows that's wrong.
One last point : regarding talking to other boys and girls, as i mentioned, I have never spoken to other girls frequently and if it happens then it'd be once a week and with great formality but on the other side she keeps on talking to the other boys and i told her i trust her so there's no problem but that there's one boy that I dont want her talking to because he isnt the type id like her to talk to and because there are private personal problems between me and him and she still talks to him after i have asked for like 5 times to stop.


Please spend some time to write me back any suggestions and clarifications as to why this is happening

Relational problems

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Hi Michaellumpfter,

Is your girlfriend reliable in other ways or when other people ask her to do things? Is procrastination a habit of hers? What kind of things does she procrastinate about? Do you ask her or command her? Are these things you want her to do always about controlling what she is allowed to do and not do?

That she was silent and passive before is not respect and it is not a healthy way for someone to behave in a relationship. She should be able to tell you what she thinks and feels, albeit preferably without using abusive words if that is indeed what she's doing. That she doesn't seem to know how to do that yet but it appears to be something she's trying to learn how to do is a good step for her to be taking in her life.

It is disrespectful and inconsiderate for you to "set the phone aside" to answer an email. If you need to take a break from the phone call with her to do other things you should say so and end the call. Offer to call her back later if that's what you want but you need to show respect to others to be deserving of respect in return. Unfortunately she is learning bad behaviors from you and becoming as disrespectful as you are. That's understandable but still a mistake. Again, the appropriate thing is to end the call while either you or she does other things and offer to call back later. You say she's silly because she "sets the phone aside" yet you are doing the same thing. What does that say about you?

Could she be trying to make you change behaviors that make her unhappy? Is she trying to find other people who show her more respect than you do? I don't know why she's doing everything she does and it's clear that neither do you.

To whatever degree that you are honest, rich, studious, attractive, linguisticly talented, faithful, athletic, or a god of perfection is not the issue here. It's not about who you are or what you have, it's about how you behave. You still have a lot to learn about respecting others and responding with maturity when someone points out (however awkwardly and inappropriately your girlfriend may be doing this) that you are not behaving courteously and respectfully to others even as you demand that of them.

Healthy relationships are cooperative, not coercive or commanding. If you want to keep this relationship then you need to talk to her with the intention of understanding what she feels and why. You need to be willing to empathize and cooperate and make changes. It is not your right to tell her what she should feel or do. Ultimately, it's her choice who she talks to and how and why. Your choice is if and how you are willing to change your own behavior to achieve better, healthier, cooperative and respectful relationships with others.

Relational problems

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Oh hey!
Unfortunately, you haven't understood my problem. That might be a misunderstanding due to my poor literature skills but however, let me point out what you failed to understand or what I, indeed, failed to deliver.
Primarily, it's not a "phone call" when I set my phone aside to reply to an e-mail. We have these every night video call sessions where we just call each other and continue doing whatever we normally would do. Sometimes a complete 30 minutes pass without one of us talking a single word and that's normal because these calls aren't to TALK, I play some PS4 games, she reads something or plays on her laptop or watches videos and if someone has something to say while doing so, we just say it and the other responds and then we continue to do whatever we were doing. Then when we want a break from what we're doing, we design some time for talking and during that time neither of us "sets the phone aside" or even does a single thing, we just spend the time together. I know quite well in behaviour and I would never set my phone aside when someone is talking.. I am just applying for a VISA now to Germany and sometimes I receive emails regarding my application so it's a necessity that I reply ASAP and when I previously wrote that I set my phone aside, I meant during the call when she's watching videos and we aren't talking, I just set my phone aside because it blocks a portion of my screen, so i reply to that email and then re-sit the phone on my laptop screen and i realize she did the same thing and when I ask her why? her answer is 'because you did so' .. That's why I graded this as silly.
Secondly, whenever she talks, I do nothing but listen and pay attention to what she says, even though she sometimes shows off while talking, I don't show her a single expression and I just continue listening but when I talk in return and she is listening and I just say something like '....so he asked me because I know how to do it' she directly mocks me like I'm showing off because Im saying I know how to do that.. I mean conversations are not easy with her anymore and whatever you say you have to think a thousand times before you speak for her not to mock your words..
Moreover, I think you completely misunderstood me about "controlling who she talks to" because the person she is talking to has everyday friction with me but she barely knows sees him or talks to him. So I know him better than she does and I have seen how he talks about other women in their absence. So I dont want him to talk to her because I am certain he WILL talk the same way about her in OUR absence. He is just a BAD guy and that's why I don't want friction between them FOR HER SAKE..
In addition, I never COMMAND my girlfriend, that's the most cruel and abusive thing a man should ever do. I just ask her in the best way possible to do something like for example to send me the website that sells her favourite laptop stickers to buy her one as a gift, she says okay and she doesnt send it. This just shows carelessness from her side and that makes me feel she is least interested.
Finally, when I said I have all these possessions in me, it wasn't for the sake of showing off or saying that I am the god of perfection like you understood it but I said it because usually, a partner gets happy and excited when their partner succeeds and is good in many things but right here, things are the opposite. I feel like she's kind of jealous that why is she not having these things and I am. I know it sounds like im an asshole to say this but I might not be able to deliver my message in an easier way. It's like whenever I tell her "HEYY GUESS WHAT? I got the university acceptance!!" Instead of receiving that WOW response to make my day even better, I receive a dull response, it's like she's sad or she isnt that excited.
However, it seems like whenever someone is sharing their story and they are males, the fault is always theirs, if i was the girl, everyone would just agree with me and blame him. So to set things straight, I am not blaming her and I love her and I dont intend any bad stuff on her side, I am just here to know WHY things are happening that way.

P.S she isnt looking for a person who treats her with more respect or in a better way because whenever we sit and have a romantic talk she always praises me and tells me im sorry if i ever act weird and im trying to change and you have been so good to me and she says everything good to praise my behaviour towards her. And regarding our relation, it has been healthy for the past 3 years and 5 months (6 months breakup) these things started to appear on her for the past few weeks only. We still love each other and I guarantee she still loves me and doesn't wanna leave. Atleast I know this better than you do.

Relational problems

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What a peach.

Nope, I refer back to my first post. Everything I said there still stands. And the more you say the more of your ego I see oozing from every sentence. And wow, you've got a lot of it. If you've found a girl who can put up with that and still be adoring most of the time then I suggest you just learn to tolerate her few lapses. I pity the girl.

And your claim of sexism is bullshit too. I hammer women with egos like yours too. The only people I try to soften a message for is ones who I think show possible signs of depression or abuse. You don't fall into that category. You strike me more as someone who falls on the other side of that equation. But hey, maybe some other sucker will come along to post a response more palatable to your ego, whatever that is.

Relational problems

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To understand WHY...

Go through your own posts here and see how much you talk about YOU, what YOU do, how YOU feel, what YOU think. About her.

I think you're too blind to the magnitude of your own self-absorbtion. In which case, you're just not going to ever see it or understand why.

Relational problems

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I pity you. I think you are someone whos gone through so much bullshit in their relational life and failed to obtain what they are looking for. Those people usually tend to just oppose everyone, to gain the spotlight. However, i realized that you people can't judge my relational life because couple of 20-30 lines won't describe my 4 year relation. So you are the one who is actually blind and yet, still talking which proves your ignorance. Well, i can only say i have realized now that it is jealousy.. May god be with you man.
I wish what you went through soon heals and u return to be a normal dude. Good luck.

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