Should I not have involved others
Hi I feel really bad, just want to know other peoples thoughts on this.
Me and my husband of 24 years split up this January but we are still living together in the same flat, different rooms. We have had a stormy relationship mostly due to insecurities. He has always felt I don't love him (guess I am the cold type dont show much affection) and we haven't been active at all in the bedroom, for years. He is a very flirty type. He has always said sex is not important but the fact we get on OK, and we are like best mates. The reason why I wanted to end the relationship was because he started throwing at me that he had had lots of affairs. Guess he was trying to tell me he is still desirable by other women. I had forgiven him when he strayed before. He finally admitted that he had an another affair that was only short, but I felt I could not forgive again. His affairs have ruinerust site of the relationship.
We agreed that we would not bring new partners to the flat, and we have been getting on much better. Then he started calling me at work sometimes and tell me he was so lonely (he only works two days a week, that was one of the reasons we stayed together, because he couldn't afford to rent on his own) and he needed to find a woman and get laid. I told him please not to discuss his intentions or love life with me as it hurts my feelings and I don't want to know. (I haven't been able to cut the emotional ties as we live together I still have feelings for him). He agreed to not inform me of his intentions.
Then last week after a lovely day out together he tells me he has booked a hotel room in town and his friends ex wife is coming to stay with him there for a bit of romance (he is paying for hotel and train to get her here). This couple used to be OUR friends, I have found her and my husband twice in bed together (fully clothed) the morning after a party. I went fuming how cruel he is to tell me after I had already asked him not to. I asked him to move out I couldn't live with him anymore. He refused said I could move.
The last few days since he told me have been awful, I burst into tears at work, (I support a brain injured person so don't have workmates to confide in) and on the train and I shake with anxiety. I don't know anyone that I can talk to about this apart from family in another country so have been feeling like I am exploding with emotion and grief.
So I said I would move out as it hurts too much to stay and I will not be able to move on with my life if we are still living together. I went to see my landlady to ask for reference (she didn't know we were split) and she started asking lots of questions and I told her everything. She offered to give him a notice to leave but I asked her not to do that. I told my husband that I had opened up to the landlady and he went fuming, and has said I have given him no option now but to move himself since I have told our problems to the world. I feel so bad that I didn't keep my mouth shut.
Hope somebody will have time to resond
"Me and my husband of 24 years split up this January but we are still living together in the same flat, different rooms."
That's hardly a marriage.
"he had had lots of affairs."
And your reaction/solution was to move into another room?
'We agreed that we would not bring new partners to the flat"
He has kept his agreement - he's getting a hotel room to have his affair.
He is trying to provoke you into action - hoping you will see that he needs a physical relationship within your marriage and you will take steps to stop this plan with another woman (become marriage partners in the full sense, just not "best mates.") He thinks he's justified since you have been withholding sex in this marriage.
You have been satisfied with being "best mates" - why have you deprived yourself of a sexual life?
Why haven't you two gone to counseling long before this?
Hi thank you for your input.
The reason I moved into the other room is because he wouldn't have been able to afford the rent on his own.
I am not withholding sex, he has not been interested in me sexually for years, and me neither in him, so I don't think he is trying to provoke me into action, he can't get it going with me.
He has always said he would have moved out ages ago if he had the money. I guess we have stayed together because of habit, it didn't bother me that much not having sex and him saying it didn't matter to him either we just left it at that.
The reason we haven't seen a counsellor is because he doesn't believe we should air our problems outside the relationship, that's why I feel awful that I have told the landlady.
I understand he can do what he wants because we have split so he is not having an affair theoretically.
Didn't you say you were married? So, yes, he is breaking the wedding vows - in oh so many ways.
"he doesn't believe we should air our problems outside the relationship," Why? Maybe he will have to hear about REALITY?
That might frighten him.
In the meantime, your life is on hold.
Don't you want to just get on with it?
Yeah we are still married, so technically he is breaking the wovs...again.
Maybe things will get moving now that I have told my landlady, maybe he will do the right thing and get out,we haven't been speaking since I told her he is so angry.
I want to move on this is no place or situation to be in.
Thanks again for your input susiedqqq
It's quite simple, IMO. No you're not married - except on paper, still. You've (finally, fairly formally) split up emotionally, which *is* "the relationship" from which all else stems. The practical, lagging issues therefore are the mere, trifling details. A formal divorce would now be purely and entirely academic.
Whilst you've been sat there telling yourself you felt sorry for the poor wickle babbie - over the fact that he basically DOESN'T WANT TO pull his financial weight nor inconvenience his cushy set-up - your real reason being because keeping the housemates aspect suited you practically and sense-of-company-wise (at least, in principle were the set-up's rules abided by), he's been executing a nasty, self-serving little win/win campaign:
He hoped his shoving his love/sex-life in your face might either,
[a] with time and repetition, erode your confidence and lower your defenses and expectations/demands regarding your erstwhile cohabitational terms and conditions rather than lose him (and your own conveniences) altogether, thereby eventually getting him his secret way of being capable of inviting sexual partners back to the house (with you having to just lump it) and without his having to in the process lose his highly financially cushy arrangement OR, if that should fail,
[b] you in all likelihood would inevitably have got so fed up with the situation that finally YOU moved out....whereupon he'd immediately have wheeled this known other woman or any other affair partner in so that he could have her take over paying your share (and most of his) of the rent, i.e. SUBSIDE THE IRRESPONSIBLE, SPOILED-BABY, JACK-THELAD LIFESTYLE TO WHICH HE HAS BEEN ALLOWED TO BECOME ACCUSTOMED!
...Or vice versa in terms of which he wanted to happen first/the most.
Only der strategy backfired on him because you (the chattel and cash-cow all-in-one) stepped out of der Fuhrer's line (GOOD FOR YOU!) and broke der order not to tell a soul and, through that, possibly summon, der troops or tarnish his false, public, Nice Guy image.
He for too long now has been trying to do whatever it took to make you resign without in the process getting himself fired. I don't care if he SAID he would move out were it not for... He's a liar.
(Somebody please hand me a gun?)
You're a carer. That's great. But when not at work, I recommend you turn that dial down a bit. He is not, as I've just illustrated, a 'poor wickle fing'. He's a nasty, controlling, manipulative, highly immature/stunted piece of work who knows how to push your buttons and tug at your maternal heartstrings so as to get his way. Why on earth would he have wanted a counsellor to have had the means to spur you into CHANGING a relationship that was all on his and only his terms (and sod your needs and feelings)?
Constantly claiming you didn't love him enough was another of those classic controller-manipulator tactics, meant to activate your senses of guilt, shame and over-responsibility as would then have you trying harder....harder...HARDER... to please him (and sod your needs and feelings).... basically until you were so bent-over-backwards trying to make the poor wickle bubbie feel loved enough that your backbone snapped in two!
Some people are only halfway nice and decent when and whilst they feel it in their interests to be. The minute it isn't - off comes the sheep's clothing, revealing a wolf. Or the sheep grows so bitter and resentful he eventually switches into a wolf. Whichever. The result's the same, no matter HOW kindly or loftily you who can't face and accept that horrid truth try to paint it.
As for you being cold (you guess): guess again. You cannot get more caring and affectionate an habitual gesture than basically carrying another grown adult, and a male's at that, weight like you did.
Seeing it now?
Thank you 'soulmate' you have really opened my eyes.
It's time I start repairing my back bone and make a life for myself, enough is enough. I feel some much better having aired my problems, its a heavy weight off my shoulders.
Excellent! And you're most welcome!
Feel free to pick up this thread if ever you need any more support or reality checks.