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Husband and porn

Posted by
KAT33
on Jun 3 2015 at 03:49
Member since: 03 June 2015
Relationship advice Is it normal for men to watch porn? When do you know if it's a problem

Husband and porn

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jun 3 2015 at 13:10
Member since: 19 August 2014
Hi KAT,

To answer your very brief but loaded question: Usually, it's because someone's taken the trouble and effort to post on a public forum, asking perfect strangers whether it's normal or a cause for concern. ;-)

Of and in itself, psychologically-speaking, no it is not normal nor healthy in his insidiousness of hidden, long-term psychological effects. But it has become *normalised*, yes. But this is about subjectivity and CONTEXT.

What I'm saying is this: Clearly it's of whatever nature and/or quantity (in relation to the context in which his habit sits) that makes it a problem FOR YOU, his (I presume) partner. That's perfectly fair enough because YOU - not 'her over here' or 'her over there' or 'her down the street' - are the one with and alongside whom he's trying to currently share his life. So if ANY of one partner's lifestyle choices or habits registers regularly on the other partner's radar (despite it could be kept more private to where you'd be completely ignorant of the fact) as makes that partner's radar room staff feel in any way concerned or disturbed, the two of you then have a lifestyle-based incompatibility. Whether that issue is of a nature or size that puts it into or that bit too near the Dealbreaker zone for you, only you could say.

Let's pretend he were drinking regularly as rendered you feeling concerned about the fact as well as amount, and possibly were a tee-totaller who found the smell of it or even the KNOWLEDGE of it going on offensive and just didn't want it even marginally in her life/awareness in any way, shape or form. Wouldn't you say so and expect that bone of contention to get brought to the negotiations table as part and parcel of mutual ongoing endeavours to compromise so as to keep one another as happy and niggle-free as possible in the relationship thus the relationship itself's longevity protected and preserved? Or let's say he were an intermittent shoplifter...or cross-dresser...or binge-eater... Same rules apply.

Some might feel comparing it to criminal acts shows prejudice. However, it can't be denied that the large majority of women (certainly those who are relatively self-assured) find it a love crime in the context of a supposedly happy, healthy relationship.

Some women like to constantly wear heels or lipstick. Then they get with a short man or one who can't stand 'kissing lipstick'. They tend to say something, don't they, when otherwise everything else of importance would be to their liking, meaning, they don't want to have to stop dating her?

Go for it. Be true to yourself and stick up for whatever you believe in or can't comfortably tolerate, and S*D what anyone else thinks. 'Anyone else' isn't the one having a (again, I presume) steady relationship with him. Nor is 'anyone else' going to offer to be the one to take his place if it all goes south due to that or any un-cleared, impassable obstacle sat permanently on the relationship path.

So if it's of a nature you find offensive...if it feels situationally inappropriate... if it is a thorn in your side in whatever way - then that is that, and no-one can possibly argue with you or tell you you're wrong.

(Does that answer your question?)

Husband and porn

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jun 3 2015 at 13:18
Member since: 19 August 2014
PS: "Duh!" to me for not having noticed the 'husband' bit. Well, that just makes it even more of an issue because you're 'locked in' with it, presumably for life. But - question - how come it's only recently become a problem? Or has it always been and/or has escalated lately?

Husband and porn

Reply from
KAT33
on Jun 4 2015 at 02:32
Member since: 03 June 2015
He has always watched it. It has always bothered me. I have no self confidence because I feel he isn't attracted to me anymore. I have not changed that much since we have been married. A year ago I left him for numerous reasons and we were almost going to file for divorce . We have a pretty good sex life as far as I'm concerned. I just feel so low about myself that he feels he still needs to watch it. I'm just wondering what are some warning signs that he is addicted or if most men watch it? I don't know if I'm overreacting it not.

Husband and porn

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jun 10 2015 at 14:54
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Apologies for the delay)

Well, you SAY you have no self-confidence but clearly, EVIDENTLY, you simply haven't caught up to yourself and who you are TODAY. Because look at the facts: he has always watched it, it has always bothered you, meaning, for a long a time you said or did nothing (certainly by way of any effect) but THEN, SUDDENLY, you left him. That is NOT what a woman with too-low confidence does. So what I'm pointing out to you is that somehow for whatever reason(s), your confidence has been imperceptibly but steadily growing ...and yet here's you still thinking you're the same woman as during the early years. Actions say, WRONGGGGG!

(Sometimes it's nice to be wrong, isn't it? :-))

I'm going to hazard a guess that when you met him you were low on confidence thus expectations regarding how you insisted on being treated/not treated and that time being the great healer it is, you've since recovered from whatever it had been that had laid you so low (and ready to accept a man too far on the dud side). Your mind must have been still too taken up with events/the dud(s) before him.

Maybe, background realising at the time that you being laid low wasn't the real you and only a temporary situation, you thought he too was naturally bigger and better, meaning, that you and he would recover and self-better TOGETHER? Only - here you are and there he still is. His dis-ease must go far deeper and father back than your mere temporary state did. So you've been on the road to recovery whereas he has NOT.

Any dysfunction is defined by whether it significantly interferes with and detriments a normal lifestyle. I.e. it's not the What but the DEGREE of What. His habit is interfering - ever more seriously - with his marriage ergo, he has a dysfunction. He refuses to stop even on pain of losing his marriage. His dysfunction is deep-rooted, i.e. he's an addict. And as it preceded your relationship it has nothing to do with you personally. But, ah, you maybe thought you/the effect of you and your relationship might CURE him (and it's THAT which has left you so disappointed and disillusioned?). Clearly the answer to that one is, NOPE, didn't, couldn't. Goes too deep/too far back, as I say. He needs counselling. You just need to get that monkey off your back. If that monkey wants to come back afterwards and NOT cling any more - great. If not, at least he's vacated your back for long enough for you to walk away and STAY walked away. Win/win.

No, you're not overreacting. And maybe if you state that you wish to formally separate - in order to give him room to seek help with curing his addiction (and you room to sample living life without him) - it'll be all the motivation he needs to use that time wisely and productively without the distraction of normal daily interaction with you. Ensure the separation has a definitive end date (so that he doesn't waste that self-betterment time panicking and whittling in the dark), but do insist on it because, clearly, leaving him altogether is too much for you to stick rigidly to, ergo this Baby Step is what you need. I recommend 8 months at least, but do start at 1 year so that you have room to negotiate downwards if need be.

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