Do I deserve him or not?
So my story is that I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and three months now. We have a strong relationship and we always tell each other everything, nothing is a secret between us. I don't hang out with a lot of friends lately because I've been busy with going to school full time and I have two jobs right now to save me a car and I am always the type of girlfriend that always makes time for her boyfriend due to my busy schedule. His whole family loves me and they know that I am the only girl besides his past relationship, that has treated him like a king. He was the first guy that took my virginity when I was 19 years old and I am happy to say that he would like to propose to me later on this year. Last month in May I had a friend (who I thought was my friend) who wanted me to come hang out at his place and meet his family which I did. And I told my boyfriend that I will be hanging out with him and he said okay. So then as I arrived to his place he gave me a giant hug and he was glad to see me, but then he kissed me on my cheek. I turned my face away from him to avoid his lips. I told him that he shouldn't do that, and that I am only here to just hang out and play video games. And he said okay. Then as we started to play on his ps4 he tried to kiss me again. I pushed him away so many times and he still wasn't getting it. But then several attempts happen and then I finally kissed him back. He then tried to finger me which he did very aggressively and I didn't feel comfortable with that but I kind of went with it. I didn't ask for him or even think of doing anything with him. He wanted to do more. Then he tried to put my hand on his penis and he wanted me to jerk him off and I didn't want to but it happened so. And then he tried to put his penis inside my vagina and I literally just stopped him completely and I said that is no place for you to put it there. This place is only for my boyfriend and only him alone. He was very disappointed and we stopped completely and the whole time of me being there was awkward and then he finally took me home. After when I got on the train I immediately told my boyfriend about everything and I felt really bad and he said don't ever let that happen again and that he figured something like that was going to happen because who wouldn't do anything to me. That's what he said but I don't really believe that. After that my boyfriend forgives me and he says that he wants to stay with me no matter what and make our relationship stronger. He may forgive me for what happened but I do not forgive myself and I accept my mistakes and what I did was far far beyond my boundaries and I should've stopped it and prevent it from ever happening and I'm making sure that I'm going to work as hard as I ever did before for, for this relationship to stronger and to make myself a better person and to learn from my mistakes.
So, what is your problem?