I dated a girl for about a year and a half who posed questions to me that fundamentally changed my world view. Exposure to her and her family really made me question the value of the things I'd been raised to believe, and at the time I didn't take it very well. Ultimately I think that was for the best because it really made me question who I was and want to be, as well as why. That doesn't change the feeling of abandonment or degradation however. I felt and still feel to some degree like that's what happened.
We mutually broke up two years ago due to her having to move away. What she failed to mention
was that she didn't have to move. She chose to move, and told me well after the fact that she had only dated me because she thought I was interesting and she was in a self destructive place in her life. I gave her my virginity, which at the time had been very important as I was still trying to abide by the very legalistic christian doctrine I had been raised with. I practically lived at her house for the year and a half while we dated, and my best friend also happened to be present a vast majority of the time as we were all still friends. I cannot express how I felt about this girl, but there have been very few people I've encountered in my life who had the impact on myself and the uncommon train of thought she did. The fact that she shook up my entire view of the world is a separate issue, but it is relevant to some degree.
I never really stopped caring about her although she made it very clear she didn't after the second week away. She told me that I never really knew the real her, as she was acting out of character by even dating me, which really fucked me up. Not that I wish it upon her, but finding something like that out would be easier if I'd found out she was dead, because at least I know what to do with that. How do you mourn the death of someone who never existed, or someone who's still up and walking around with the same face and same body but an alien mind to the one you thought you knew? I know it sounds dramatic, but I don't know of any other way to internalize someone I spent almost every day for two years straight with being a totally different person in the end.
After a few conversations with her over the period of about six months, I made the choice to cut her out of my life completely as the best way to move past her. I cut out people who were mutual friends and associates just to make sure to eliminate any potential exposure and descent into more loathing and irritation on the subject. I REALLY wanted to be over it. Expunged from my memory if possible. My circle of friends grew smaller as I didn't want to impose on any of them for maintaining a relationship with her, as I'm aware my personal affairs shouldn't effect everyone I know or who they hang out with.
I've had dreams about her for the last two years sporadically, and at this point I would give anything to stop dreaming altogether. I can't help how I did or do feel about her or who I thought she was, so all I can do is try not to dwell on it. I do a fairly good job of this most days, but when you have to see people you would probably have been better off not knowing for what feels like weeks while you sleep, it can be hard not think about.
That being said, the real issue I have is thus.
As it's become easier to not think about that time in my life or care so much about losing what I apparently never had to begin with, a new development presented itself in my life.
My best friend who was physically present for about 75% of our relationship is dating her now, and has been for the last 9 months without saying anything. He just told me about three weeks ago.
He's well aware that I have about 3 people I see with any regularity whom I still consider to be real friends, and he was the prime recipient of the time I spent outside my apartment. He was the first person I talked to about my issues with her during and after we dated, as well as anything else going on in my life in at any given time. He knows that my biggest issue with people is the utter lack of consideration for how individual actions effect those around you, and how blatantly people disregard the effects because they see no reason for there to be any effects. Refusing to acknowledge cause and effect or take personal responsibility for their actions. The idea that what you do doesn't really effect anyone else and if it does that's their problem. Especially when it comes to people who claim to care about each other or love each other, and then their actions say the opposite.
He knew how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. He was of the mind to ask forgiveness rather than permission. Not that a person needs another's permission to date an ex, but typically it seems like a courtesy when it's your best friend's most important ex. In fairness to him, he's a wonderful person. There's nobody I would nominate higher to accomplish something if it needed doing regardless of the situation, and even with how long it took him to tell me I still trust him more than most people. I want him to be happy and think he deserves to be. However there are a few other things to consider.
He spoke to my parents privately about dating her almost a year ago to see how they thought I'd feel about it. They both gave him sound advice he probably would've been better off listening to, stating that would likely end badly for him and our friendship.
To my own credit I've done more for him than anyone has ever done for him in his life other than perhaps his grandfather, who is responsible for most of his upbringing due to a fair weather father and a mother who he was told was dead, while actually in prison for narcotics.
He's been ass out on the streets and I convinced my parents to let him come live with us on more than one occasion. When he lived in New Mexico in a hell hole with no opportunity to advance in life or even socialize with people he wasn't related to, I made it a point to stay in on Friday nights and weekends to play video games with him to provide something comparable to hanging out and doing something we enjoy together while he was stuck doing nothing, in the middle of redneck nowhere.
I fought his father verbally and physically at one point about how little he cares about his son when he kicked him out because his girlfriend forced him to. Apparently a month should be enough time to find a job in a dying economy and very little experience or education. She made him decide flesh and blood or girlfriend who pays bills and he essentially abandoned his kid. He had to go back to New Mexico again for a couple years, and I was still the only person who made it a point to keep up with him and his life, and hang out as best we could via the internet.
I called him two Thankgivings ago when I got my first car capable of a real road trip, and I told him, not asked him, that I was coming to pick his ass up and bring him back to civilization. I drove from Nevada to the middle of New Mexico completely alone at night on back highways to get there on a timeline that would work for both of us. He abhorred living where he did and I made damn sure he didn't continue to rot there. I made sure he didn't end up just another mullet with a beer gut or tweaker. The list of kinds of people who come out of Blanco, NM is pretty short.
I came close to ending important relationships with people I was close to because they had their own personal issues with him and I defended him to the end on those occasions.
I put him in touch with people who had connections to get him a job working for literal billionaires, that could've gotten him hired anywhere on earth in the future and he couldn't even hold that down for a week. It was landscaping, and he couldn't stop smoking pot for a week. Not a single damned week for a lifetime of job opportunities. On their fucking property none the less.
He is now a towel boy at the yoga studio his girlfriend, my ex, works at.
The dude is currently dating the only person on earth he could've chosen to date that would put me yet again in a position of having to choose between my sanity and one of the few people in the world I know worth giving a shit about.
I guess that leaves me with a lot of questions and things to dwell on, and plenty I'd like to ask him that he probably never considered.
Would they ever have gotten together if I hadn't given a shit about getting him out of New Mexico? Is that how he decided to repay me?
Does he really think someone who has no problem using someone then telling them straight up that they just used them won't do the same thing to him? I don't want that to happen to him, and it may not, but who's to say it won't. I'm pretty pissed at the dude and I still don't want to see him get hurt like that.
I'm aware that I should to talk to him in depth about all of this, but I don't even know how to go about it or trust myself not to snap mid sentence and break his nose.
Do I keep calm and speak pleasantly, which will not convey my true feelings accurately, or do I pull out all the stops and scour his soul with verbal abuse that's actually accurate?
I've know him for a long time and always tried to see him in the best light, so it's not like I have any shortage of viable ammunition if I were to break down just how pathetic the negative side of me sees him right now. I really want to and I don't at the same time, because most of my life I've never had to raise a hand to really fight someone. The vast majority of fights I've been in have been won with a few sentences. When you know how to strike at the heart, most other injuries pale in comparison in my own experience, so why bother?
Do I start with the calm and nice then switch over, do I mix temperance with a bombardment? I don't know.
At this point it's plain to see he's already made his choice regardless of how I feel about it, so I don't even know if I can think of him as having any real concept of loyalty anymore. I appreciate him coming to tell me, but I think it's pretty cowardly to wait 9 months into a relationship with your best friend's most significant ex to say something. It's not like I couldn't have even done anything with any of his exes, including his most haunting.
I didn't want to and was never interested, but even if I had been I never would've done something like that to him if I knew it would fuck him up. Especially if I already knew how he'd feel about it.
Even if I was lonely, or unhappy. To me there are much more important things than being happy or having someone to keep you company, and two of them are consideration and loyalty. I don't mean blind loyalty or anything as stupid as "bros before hos", but I think this is a little beyond that.
How can I even consider keeping him as a friend if he's knowingly dating someone I've made it a point to avoid like the plauge?
When we spoke briefly after he told me, he said I wouldn't have to see her, like that's not a pleasant fantasy. Your best friend and girlfriend never having to see each other? You're fucking kidding me right!?
I mean what if they get married? "Hey man, tell your wife to leave. We're hanging out, you know I'm not a fan of her dude." Not in a million years, that's ridiculous.
Even if that weren't at total fantasy, I would never impose on a relationship like that regardless of who it was or what they'd done to me.
Any input is appreciated, but it seems that the consensus of all the people I've talked to is to do what I've already done and keep doing it:
Cut my losses and move on without him, because as things stand it's highly unlikely he'd choose me over her considering his previous choices, and I wouldn't present someone with that kind of ultimatum. It seems like that choice was already made.
What do you think, oh great and powerful internet?
Should I even bother trying to salvage this?
Should I just let him know where he stands in regards to all the things I've done for him I'm sure he never considered and see how he reacts?
Should I just give him the verbal beating of his life?
Let me know, because I need to figure this out ASAP.
This is taking up far too much of my brain's capacity to deal with bullshit and stay calm in my daily life. I need to decide on how I'm going to channel that out best.
I doubt if either of these people care what you think. They are in their own world. Bet they don't think of you at all. THAT's what's really bugging you.
You have not gone on with your life since she ended it. You are still stuck there. Instead of dealing with it, you ran away and cut things out, instead of facing them to some kind of reconciliation.
I bet you hang on to this because it "hurts so good" and it gives you something to ruminate about.
Divert, divert, divert. Let go and go on.