I don't know... paranoia?
I'm guessing there is something wrong with me, or maybe some of these problems are just me being paranoid.... or I'm right, but I really hope I'm not right about any of this.
I get worried that people can hear my thoughts just by me looking at or touching them. I know that's not rational or logical, it just can't be true. But... that doesn't stop me from looking away from people or moving back so they wont be able to touch me. The thing is, I'm a very logical person but I've felt this way for... I don't even know how long. I'm 28 now.
When I was a kid, I believed my parents had been abducted by aliens and replaced with imposters. Seriously, I truly believed it. When I'd say "I love you" to them, I'd think or whisper "the REAL you."
I used to believe (and still do, although probably not as much) that this world was designed just for fuck with me. But I have a feeling that this one isn't too abnormal.
It was probably about a month ago that I remembered that I once promised myself I would never forget those last 2 things I mentioned. I was scared that I'd grow up and stop believing that stuff... and then they'd win. Whoever "they" are...
I spin around because I feel like there's this sort of rope that will tangle around me if I don't. I do it other times too but I mostly do it when I've had to do something that turned me around and I don't think it's something that I should have had to do, or something that just wasn't supposed to happen. Why wasn't it supposed to happen? Because I still at least partly believe that something or someone is out to get me. Almost like they're watching me and making bad things happen.
I almost don't want to mention this next thing because I fear it'll change what people think about everything I've said up to this point. But I have Asperger's Syndrome, which probably explains why I feel so out of place in this world. Perhaps that lead to the feeling of only being here for someone elses amusement, as they do things to fuck up my life and watch me squirm. Because having AS makes you feel like you don't belong. But on the other hand, what if I'm right about all of this? Or maybe just some of it.
I never talk about this stuff to anyone. Ever. I know it sounds crazy and maybe it is, which is part of the reason that I don't talk about it, the other being my inability, or choice, to not trust anyone. Maybe I should tell someone and get some help. But then.... if I'm right about any of this, getting "help" could be the worst thing I could do. I've always felt like I'm in a constant battle. Like, if I give in and try to deal with these issues as if it's all just in my head, then they win. Although, I don't know how I'm supposed to win in. It's not like I think I'm someone special, like a hero who'll save the day or anything like that.
I don't know if I can trust anyone enough to share this with them... and even worse, I don't know if I can trust myself to make the right decision of whether or not to tell anyone or do anything about these things. I can't even promise I'll take anything people may say seriously. The very fact that I'm telling anyone this, even anonymously online, is huge. I just don't know if it's huge good, or huge bad. But fuck it. Either they're winning, or I'm on the road to something good. I almost don't care anymore. But at least it's not like I'm making any major life altering decisions right now. Or maybe I am and this is it. I guess I'll find out. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Ok I so first off i don't have AS and I'm just going to be upfront because you shared with me, I'm 13. So just have that in mind I guess.
That being said for about 3 months recently I would have the crippling sensation that people were watching me and could read my thoughts. It would be so crippling that I hated showering/undressing because I though "they" could see me. I would also stay in my room and cry because i was terrified of "them". So I think to some degree I kind of understand the feeling. I also knew that it was impossible that people were watching me but I still had that feeling i couldn't get rid of.
Now I know this might not help but I just want to say that the world is NOT out to get you and people are NOT reading your mind but I understand how that my or my not change anything.
I was put on prozac and one of the first things i noticed is that those feeling disappeared. Even when I'm in depressive states they don't come back so i think you should definitely talk to someone, I was terrified that every one would think I was crazy but I've only been met with really genuine people who want to help.
Also from the things your saying it sounds very close to paranoia especial paranoia personality disorder (i think that the correct term not sure though) Because of the untrusting nature towards even your parents from a young age. Now I'm no doctor but this could also be a part of AS.
From someone with anxiety who also wasn't sure I wanted to tell any one about my depressing thoughts and anxiety I can totally understand how telling some one is really scary but it only gets better.
Think about it. Whats the worst thing that can happen if you tell a doctor about your thoughts, they will put you on meds. The meds will either make you feel better or they won't work. If they won't work then you are back were you started but if they do then you will be much happier, trust me.
So basically I strongly advise you to tell a doctor or some one you trust. Doctors especially will only try to help.
I would also just like to say that your very brave for putting this on the internet seriously its the first step to getting better is reaching out and ya that sounds cheesy but its the truth.