My husband and I are fighting over a family vacation we are invited on by my side of the family. I think he's being controlling and he thinks I'm being selfish. My brother rented a vacation house back in February as a surprise for my Dad's 60th birthday. My brother never consulted anyone on the week, but everyone one else in the family took that as their vacation week, and I'm a stay at home mom, so I have a flexible schedule. It's my husband's end of quarter at work, so he's extremely busy the week my brother has planned. My husband thinks he might be able to go for a few days, but then wants me and my children to come back home with him. This is the problem, I would like to stay the rest of the week and he's telling me I can't he'll miss the kids too much. It's literally 3 days extra he wouldn't see us. He's so busy at work, he'd only see us maybe at dinner and breakfast. I think he's being controlling and selfish demanding we come back with him, and he thinks I'm being selfish wanting to stay without him. Am I being unreasonable?
Now we've been fighting so much about it, I'm miserable and not even looking forward to going. It's suppose to be fun and it's just stressful. He says I can stay and he'll take the kids back home with him! And he'll manage that and work how? ( our children are 2 and under). I think this is ridiculous, but I'm so upset about it. I can't win if I stay he's going to be mad and I'm scared he'll cause a scene, and if I come back early I'll resent him.
I agree, my husband and brother are polar opposites. They have never said they don't like each other, but I can tell they are never going to hit it off.
We do have a separate family vacation planned a month after this one, that vacation will be just me, my husband and kids. The vacation my brother planned was more of a gift/celebration for my dad's 60th.
My husband is very difficult about anything I do with my family this is not new, I guess I'm just so tired of fighting I don't know what to do. I'm tired of having to pick sides and hurt my husband or my family's feelings. My husband and I fight over every holiday and birthday party I'm suppose to attend for my family. He never wants to go, I usually go to most family events alone. My father also has a vacation home he invites us to most weekends, my husband never wants to go, but doesn't want me to go either. It's very frustrating, I'm always making up excuses to my dad as to why I can't come for a visit. I used to be very close to my family and I feel like we've been drifting away, cause I'm so tired of fighting about it. It's just not my family he's very rude to a best friend I've had since first grade, he's decided he doesn't like her, and will barely acknowledge her if I have her for a visit. Which completely embarrasses me, so we've also been drifting apart. I don't feel comfortable doing things with her cause he'll give me a hard time.
I just don't think this is right. I love all his family and friends. I make an effort to get to know them and treat them with respect. Last summer we spent a weeks vacation with his friends from high school and I was fine with it. I'm fine with him not wanting to attend things with me, even though it hurts, but why does he have to give me a hard time about going and restrictions?
Your husband sounds like he feels threatened, put-upon and insecure in an ongoing way so is doing what some men do when incapable of weeping self-pityingly 'like a girlie' - converting it into aggression/anger in resorting to trying to assert his "authoritah". Does he perhaps feel you haven't discarded your original pack (and 'old life') in terms of, what you still invest in them possibly being put to better use in your new, replacement pack? Or is it just a clash of personalities issue and he likes you and spending protracted periods with you, but not them because they're not his type of people?
Did he take his focus off his own family for the sake of building on his new life/relationships with you and the kids? How often does he see his own rellies? And do your family ever tend to sh*t-stir and turn whatever of your attitudes towards him somewhat sour whenever they get you alone (is there a subtle tug-o-war going on)? Or/and do you pretend you're quoting THEM whenever you have something contentious you want to draw his attention to as calls for renegotiations?
I mean, most weekends? Bit much, isn't it, when you're a grown woman with a family of your own? And why do you have to make excuses? Why can't you just say, 'Sorry, dad, can't come that regularly, me and the fam normally have plans on the weekends'? I mean, you would, wouldn't you, what with the fact your husband's away at the office at every other time of the week, meaning, it's the only time each week that the pair of you get to be a couple and family?
Do you see why I'm curious? You basically are acting a little too much like you never left home (or left one foot in there). So is THIS his crux issue? And what's the problem if you drift in large part away like nature intended, seeing them only once in a while despite phoning fairly often to compensate? I mean, why would you father even EXPECT you to still behave like a bona fide member of 'his' family and spend every precious weekend at his when he KNOWS you're in your own relationship and family now? Why is he acting like he expects nothing to have changed?
Put it this way: are you and your kids your husband's dream come true as is leaving him hurt and confused as to why you don't seem to likewise be acting like it is for you too? Or does he not like the person you used to be compared to the person HE got to know, the former tending to re-emerge whenever you're back in your old packs' dynamics, i.e. you suddenly become the runt or the quiet one or the scapegoat/whatever as makes him want to 'take you (permanently) away from all of that'?....but just not doing himself any favours with his tw*ttish and OTT methodology?
Do correct me if I'm way off (process of elimination) and, say, he's more than willing to hang out with his own old pack(s), just not yours?...only, that high-school-pals vacation sounds like it was a one-off event rather than 'every single weekend' - correct? Again, all depends on how often your husband and/or with you and the kids in tow see his fam as would then dictate whether this is a "wanting you to himself because he loves his wife and little family so much but barely sees them" issue or a "wanting to see and treat you as a lesser-status-ed possession" issue.
Is there a clue in the fact he's willing to take the kids back to let you stay longer? I wouldn't have thought if it were the above latter issue that he'd be willing to do that, would you?