Baby due but still luv my ex
Hi my baby is due next week by a girl I met 9 months ago we have since embarked on a relationship in all fairness she is a wonderful person, but I cant seem to get over my ex of 10 years we were only split 7 months before I met this girl and thus here I am, any advice or opinions would be welcome....
Does the girl that is pregnant know that you miss your ex? Has your ex moved on? Is you ex aware of the pregnancy?
Appreciate the response,my ex is aware she took it hard at first but has since accepted it and has kept in touch although keeping her distance,my current girl is very aware of my feelings but is giving her all to make us work.my ex has not moved on its such a mess,at what stage do u sacrifice selflessness for happiness.I owe it to this baby to try make this work but I'm finding difficult.....
Your ex and you split up. You each allowed that split to remain the believably concrete, permanent state of play. So this was no mutual sulk and game of stand-off following a right royal barnie, was it. It was definitely an admission in motion of defeat a deux warranting a re-entry onto the romantic marketplace. So what on earth makes you and she think you should both overlook that ruddy great neon sign and fly in the face of it by behaving as if you believe you're going to possibly be reconciling or possibly ought?
Put it this way, if after 10 whole years of knowing nothing but each other you two could even *bear* to live for seven long-SEVEN LONG MONTHS(!!!) - long in terms of when you're heart's in a hurry for more num-nums - under the genuine belief that neither of you would EVER see or be with the other again, then you neither needed nor wanted to be together as a genuine, permanent attitude, ain't rocket science. That's not to say that this automatically means you should be with this other, er - girl? (only 12, is she? ;-p) WOMAN instead. However, you allowed a baby to be created, meaning, what you want/don't want is now secondary, like you admit (well done). However, even THAT doesn't dictate that you have to be romantically entwined per se with its mother, just that you be 'constantly' there for her as her parental teammate and for the baby as its co-creater-carer and provider-protector.
But what is this 12-year-old (;-p) doing living under such a horrid atmosphere in terms of knowing that the man she presumably is so heavily into is 'sleeping in his dreams' with an ex for whom feelings progressed far beyond what SHE has ever benefitted from? Could YOU operate comfortably under those sorts of conditions? I know I couldn't (- nobody puts Baby in the corner)?! And if you were going to make a child with then live with her regardless, why did you even TELL her that a part of you still hankers after the ex? That's not very nice, is it?
What is SHE after that she'd live under that constant threat - a Better Woman competition through you and the direction your feelings are looking in? Or is she just too un-confident to dare be a single mother when it comes to house occupancy so would rather put up and shut up than rock that boat?
OR!....is it moreover that she's just far savvier and streetsmart than your average 12-year-old [no, shan't, you started it, mleugh] and, like me, knows that you and your ex-girlfriend are just REALLY, REALLY CRAP at saying goodbye in one fell swoop, thus trying to 'buy' baby-steps under the lie of an excuse that there might still be something romantically usable between you both?...with you meanwhile using this oh-so-helpfully honest disclosure to gf as your mechanism for making her not dare come too close too soon (because you're fragile and skittish and might leg it)?
(That was a rhetorical question, btw. ;-))
Try this: tell exipoos that it's not appropriate nor healthy (particularly not for an ever-developing baby to witness and soak up as one of its mental models) for you two to try to take the luxury of walking away in a whole series of Millimetres, ERGO, you and she need a period of zero contact (suggest 6 months min.) in order to FIND OUT whether the reason you can't part in the normal, total-cut-off way is less about mere sentimentality and more because there's lifelong friendship potential worth preserving. Put it to the test. If you know there's respite-ful light (non-romantic reconciliation) at the end of that no-contact tunnel then neither one of you will feel 'set adrift' and panicky in the meantime. And then before you know it, that 6 months will be up and you both capable of mixing with each other out of what's REAL rather than imagined. If by that time neither of you feels like reconnecting even purely as friends, then you'll have your answer, won't you (crap at 'putting the phone down') and can concentrate either on making a go of your new relationship (which apparently was good enough at the time to make you forget completely about contraception, oy-oy!) or just on the baby and being great parent-friends.
But here's the thing, Commitmentphobe Number 2,000,003: Whilst you keep a hold of ex's shirtsleeve you have only one arm free for hugging. A half-hug produces only a half-hug back.... Gosh, look, baby-steps in that direction, too.
If you want the love crop of the century come August time then I suggest you start to do more sowing, tilling, feeding and watering (still ain't rocket science).
Hope that helps?
Wow!! I appreciate ur honesty almost as much as ur hostility and sarcasm.thank you.thank you for taking the time to reply I will reread your post quite a bit plus u made me laugh today.
I know you think your ex is the best thing in this world but once this child is born, you will completely forget about your ex. The best thing for you to do now is just to forget your ex. Right now, it seems like the hardest thing you'll ever do but in the long run your going to have your own child. Your going to be happy. This baby and girl is the most important person in your life now.
Nope, no feelings of hostility, not even one jot. I was merely taking the pee out of your (and numerous men out there's) term, "girl". The rest was me trying to simplify and highlight the funny side of your overly protracted and self-misread farewell. Okay - *and* your commitmentphobia...because I was one once and know that it's far harder (understatement!) than getting stuck in and knuckling down, i.e. all reasons for it are just an illusion.
...But, then, I suppose, how would you know when you haven't ever seen me hostile?
I'll hold my hands up to sarcasm though (highest form of wit).
Bye again. (After 'three') (:-D)
"once this child is born, you will completely forget about your ex"
That is so true is should have a page to iself in the Big Book Of Truth. (Probably is, ...only I haven't quite finished writing it yet.)
Well if anyone should write it you should soulmate I know I'd buy it.for the record I have been holding out for when he's born everyone else will fade in comparison I really hope,but I wanna do right by the 12 yr old!!!!! Too and I thought being completely honest regarding feelings etc was the right approach but maybe not.
Yes, touche. ;-)
No, I don't think you did the right thing with that disclosure. As aside from the negativity it could put into the interactional loop/merry-go-round as could weigh it towards the direction of the ground ("splat!") (unless the positivity helium outweighs it), it's not even a *factual* feeling of yours, it's nothing but a subconscious self-delusion. AND one that, as SMULPETER13 so astutely pointed out, will pale into nothingness once you fall bang-slap in irreversible love with your little mini-me....whereupon...
Children can tear spouses apart, yes. But they can equally CREATE them. For starters, you and she are going to be constantly like those Hari Krishners and other passengers on "Airplane" - you know the bit...where the nun's playing her soppy guitar song to the sick kid as has everyone beaming lovingly at the people across the aisle from them?....."AHHH, did you see that? S/HE BURPED!...And now she's doing A POO, ahhhh!"... And such repetition of mutual pride and positivity is *very* bonding.
Nah. You don't even HAVE a problem - just a couple of loose ends that need snipping and tying. (Bit like your phee-phoos, LOL.)
How can you be so sure these feelings are a subconscious self delusion ?u are right when u say I dont got problems not when u put it like that loose ends! Sounds simple junior gets priority ex gets axed we let time decide that one which im sure she will quite happily oblige it will be easier for her to pretend also, all the while the girl wont be treated to my innerdelusions just praised and thanked for bringing us this little person......
For the record soulmate I had not been in contact with exipoos! for 4/5 months before I told her the good news in which time I did make a baby and regretted much about us, upon telling her the news by text!my bad I honestly didnt think she would care we cut contact until I initiated some weeks later and she decided we could be friends at least ....which pretty much gets us to here,do u honestly think she still has feelungs? We have only met up once during this time for lunch that was it.
How I can be so sure is because, try as you might you can't argue with actions, particularly sustained ones. Yours (breaking-up) got sustained (bar that weeks later meaningless text and response) for one-hundred-and-fifty whole days and ("those miss-you")-nights in a row. So did exipoos' matching actions. So that's TWO sets that speak louder than words. (Didn't get *her* preggers, did ya.)
Your feet have spoken. They may smell of Edam half the time but they know what they're doing and don't nor ever did need any interference from conscious you.
Exipoos' actions are still saying a lot. Only once you told her the good news did she seemingly object to your non-contact (what - had her fingers dropped off?). That's not re-interest, that's called Dog In Manger syndrome (google is your friend). How very toddler-ish of her. You don't need two babies, do you; the one will do for now. And "friends": yeah, that ol' chestnut... It's called, Don't go away just yet, I might (with a capital M) still want to get you out of the toybox. Pff! So NO is my answer to, do I think she still has feelungs (LOL). Not feelings you can make a working relationship out of, anyway.
Anyway, it's standard stuff...which you'll see if you trawl the archives under 'Relationships'. Same play, different co-starring actors, that's all. (Or set human emotional-developmental paths walked by gazillions before you and gazillions to come.)