Looking for advice on proper and least painful way for all to bury my sister's remains.Sadly she passed last Oct. while in Fl.(cancer) She was homeless at the time but thankfully was able to pass in the care of a hospice.My sister has 4 adult children,1 son, broke contact with her many years ago,the second son lived with her a short time,attempted to assist her but then no longer could stay.The third child,a daughter always was independent and attempted to assist whenever she could,the fourth child,the youngest daughter(now in her 40's ) lived with her mother for decades,was/is drug addicted,abusive,arrested multiple times,displayed violent and destructive behavior on a daily basis and through this behavior kept all her mother's loved ones at a forced distance.
At the time of my sisters death,my sisters property had been sold approx. 18 months prior,the proceeds long gone (her youngest daughter was handling all incoming funds).All SSI checks were being handled by the youngest daughter,rent had not been paid for several months (reason why they moved from the state they were in, to Fl.)
At passing ,my sister was to be cremated however had no monies saved for such.Her youngest daughter demanded to have the ashes however after coming to the realization that without payment in full prior to cremation,that would not happen so she eventually (after the funeral home informed her they could no longer hold my sisters body and would have to turn it over o the town for unmarked burial) she did sign over the rights to the remains.My eldest sister and my deceased sisters eldest daughter paid for the cremation and had the ashes shipped to me to be buried in the family plots I purchased years ago.Also my deceased sister's eldest daughter is continuing to make payments on her mothers past rent and cremation as she can until paid in full. (the eldest daughter is single,supports herself and is on a limited budget but faithfully makes payments on these debts)
My need for advice is this: I am in possession of the remains,how do I have my sister put to rest without causing unrest.My eldest sister told the youngest daughter she could choose the date of burial however due to the violent drug related behavior of this daughter,myself ,my disabled brother and the eldest daughter of my sister are not comfortable in her presence .Also,the youngest daughter has stated she is planning on taking the ashes.
I have suggested a democratic vote,anyone assisting financially has one vote as to whether we have a group service (everyone is invited and those that feel uncomfortable or unsafe,don't go or two separate services.(one for those who paid will have the first( all family that donated could say their good-byes in peace and with the quiet support and love of each other,second, that the youngest daughter could set up,invite whoever she like and she pay for that service)
Did take a vote and majority ruled 2 services.
However now have 2 sisters that feel we shouldn't upset the youngest daughter and thereby risk her wrath.Also that my deceased sister would want her daughter and all her children invited as she loved them all.(however the two sons will not be coming due to distance and harsh feelings due to the youngest and the oldest daughter is too intimated by the youngest to attend if she is going to be there. HELP! Just want peace and my sister laid to rest to stay.
On another note,hubby says inter my sister ahead of time,tell no-one until after,then let whoever have their service whenever.
Are you saying you're all scared of this youngest niece? Because, given that she signed over the ashes, surely she also gave up any right to dictate what's done with them? How's she planning on taking them, is she proposing to wrestle you all for them? That's ridiculous, isn't it, given how she's just one person against X many?
Why is it no-one can say to this niece that she can join everyone else at the (one) service only if she promises faithfully to be on her most impeccable behaviour and if not she'll be summarily thrown out by the 'horde'? I mean, you all, through you, hold all the power by being the keeper of these ashes, don't you?