Help need advice
I need advice . I have been married 27 years. About 5 years ago we finally as kids got older , had a great marriage. My father died jan 2013 then my husbands father found out December 2013 had pancreatic cancer died 2 months later. My husbands parents are very needy . When he was sick someone needed to be there at all times. I was shocked by how selfish they were. Of course my husband stepped up and moved in with them and my brother in law would drive from out of toe every weekend . Other 2 brothers did nothing. To say our marriage took a hit is a understatement . My father in law passed and I guess I never really knew how selfish and mean my mother in law is . It was like my husband was her spouse all of a sudden. She lives 30 min from us , meanwhile my mother lives 4.5 hours away alone in another state. My mother is one year younger than mother in law . Mother in law could do nothing , wouldn't hire anyone bc that's strangers . Would tell us couldn't take care of house . Since one brother lives out of state and other 2 live in our town it was a no brainer that she move out here . She built a house all the while my husband and I were there picking colors out to eat etc. Everything . Now my husband rarely saw them bc he didn't want to deal with them. I had to tell him if they were coming over etc. At Christmas I went to pick up my mom and she stayed for 3 weeks . I thought if take my mother in law with . It was horrible , she was mean , she pouted , never again . Needless to say our my mother in law and my relationship took a turn . I found myself withdrawing . I was depressed , had panic attacks etc. I just shut down. While she made her comments to my husband and I. She is now ready to move next week . My husbands other brothers help every Saturday . You talk to her or my husband . She needs help packing . Everyday I get . Did you call my mom, when you going to go help mom? Call my mom. At first he was nice about it but now he is just pissed. I just feel empty inside. He won't talk about it. We haven't slept in same room since Janurary . He knows I'm withdrawn , he knows I'm done . He tries to bully me into helping . I try to stand my ground and tell him she is mean. That's why no one goes . She is so mean . It doesn't help that I compare her to my mom whom is year younger. Whom lives 4.5 hours away with no family . No help. He has not gone there since oct 2013. He will be mean then try to be nice but I'm so resentful . He won't talk . He clams up , I try to tell him our marriage is falling apart and he states other things too just not his mother . It's like idk who he is. I think he thinks let me get her 5 minutes away and everything will be fine . Then I will work it out with my wife . It's not going to get better it is so much worse . He defends her, he is basically like her husband . I try to talk to him he ignores me or walks away . If I text him so I can get out what I want to say he doesn't read them. Yes when I'm mad and think about divorce it's what I want . Then when I'm just hurt and upset I don't want that . I cry myself to sleep . If I sleep in our bedroom he does not touch me . I don't know what to do. I have so much resentment . That idk if it will ever be ok. Idk how to get him to talk . It's Always his mother . If I don't give in to helping her he gets short. Example : I was so anxious last night I went to laydown . He left . I heard him and came downstairs . 2 hours later he called said hey I'm at moms if you are wondering . I didn't want to wake you. I said I never slept . He gets short I get short . He came home and was talking to me and asked if our son was home . I said yep me and him tonight . He says you could of came over. Then he gets ready to go to bed and touches my head and says sweetheart are you mad at me? I finally go to bed in our room . He ignores me , he doesn't even act like I'm there. I then cry. Yesterday I said fine I'll go with you tom. Get up he is gone . I text " hey I said I was going to help today , why didn't you wake me? No response . So he just calls by now I'm hurt and he says hey you can come help me unload . I say.... No I have things to do here and I need a shower . He gets short and cold. I know I'm not helping matters but I'm so hurt and resentful idk what to do . I'm sorry for the book . Someone please help and give me some advice . I don't know what to do anymore . He won't talk . Does he want divorce ? I just don't know
He ASKED you if you were mad.You should have taken that opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with him about how his mother is coming between you two. From your description of what goes on between you and him, it sounds like there is a real lack of communication and understanding. Neither of you is being direct or honest with each other. Perhaps counseling is in order.
You two need to become a united front against this very strongly manipulative woman who most likely ran her family that way. Your husband becomes her little boy around her.
I have two words for you: Hired help.
Isn't is better for your marriage to pay someone for a couple of hours of work - rather than strain the marriage?
I agree . But when I try to speak to him he doesn't want to hear it or I text him he doesn't read it. If I can get him to talk he will get angry and say that's her you know how she is . I have been with him total 30 years . I know how he deals . The rubbing of head or pat on foot is his I'm sorry . His anger about his mother I truly believe he doesn't know wth to do . He knows how mean she is . He will either walk away or say nothing . I truly think it is guilt. He never paid attention to them and now he feels like he has to take care if her. I'm not saying it is ok bc it's not I'm saying I understand. He will mske statements like when she is moved . Or it's only a couple more weeks. Omg he really thinks she will change ? Or I'm sure she nags him about me and our 26 year old daughter not helping . He won't talk . He won't say anything . He sees what is happening just don't think he knows what to do. He has our house to take care of. Her house. Our business he runs . I know his stress is high. I understand . But this is destroying us . I use to be very close to her. I shut down ,it is like she has made him her husband . She calls him. She has things in his name, her reasoning bc then people won't know I don't have a husband ! I mean the look on my face has got to say something . I can't talk to her for 1 min before she complains about . I'm to old , I need help. I watch my mom hiring people. So he pushes me to side and says one week she's moving it's almost over. No it won't be over until she dies . He won't talk . I just don't know what to do anymore .
I also think that he believes if he can get me to give in it will be great bc he stated when he was mad when I said she was mean . So it's just a chain reaction . Neither will give and a relationship destroyed. I use to be close with her until December and I was done . I know if I give in they won . Everyone will be happy . It's great ! But at what cost ??? How I feel ? I have always tried to be bigger person and see others sides etc. Make him see them. Idk I'm so resentful that I'm depressed and just want to cry . If I truly thought like him . That it will be better when she is 5 min away , mb I could . That 5 minutes is going to be worse . It's like I'm competing with my mother in law and I want to say . Choose me !!! I know he sees it! I just think guilt for not being involved until he got sick and promising his dad he will take care of her is winning . I'm suppose to understand? I don't if that was my mother I would tell her what was up! He won't talk , he won't go to counseling . So do I leave ? Is he going to actually go thru with it if I say we are seperating. I hope he wouldn't but at this point it's scary and I have no clue what he is thinking . Thanks for your advice . I agree 100 percent with you . I can't get him to talk . I have tried
Your husband acts like he does not know what to do. Helpless child.
YOU go to counseling and get some strength to do what you have to do - either draw the line in the sand and insist that both of you go get some help in how to stand up to this woman OR cave in and help out as much as you can, putting a 2 week limit on your help OR hire some help to deal with this demanding woman.
You have been married this long; Surely you understand he is under stress and is unable or unwilling to stand up to her. He BELIEVES all this will be over. You think otherwise. Help him get a plan for the future demands of this woman (inside and outside help, etc.) Let him know it will NOT be you.
A family conference is needed to make sure all this does not come on your husband's shoulders AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS MARRIAGE.
You need a safe place to unload. Do you have a pastor or relative that can help out. What do the other women in the family think. Do you have sister-in-laws?