Checking out other women
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. We are at our middle age with no children. We both look after ourselves very well. We are young at heart and look much younger than we are. I would like to believe we both are attractive. I understand it is a natural response to appreciate beautiful thing or human beings. Like many guys, my husband do enjoy looking and checking out other women in front of me. However, he does not stop at that point. He will keep staring at those women and make them know he is attracted to her. Some women would flirt it back or intentionally to show off her hot figure etc. If we stayed at a resort, he seemed to have a target every time. He would look, stare, check out and then look for that woman wherever he went. If he found the target was around, he would do something to catch her attention. He did this all through the holiday. Most of the time he would receive kind of silent interaction, response or exchange from this woman on a daily basis regardless of her age or marital status etc. Despite they may not speak to each other, you do see their communication or exchange all the time. Sometimes, it is quite painful to watch as all was done in front of me. I have to say I am a confident person and don't feel insecure in myself at all. I don't look at other guys and fail to understand why he does this constantly and every time. Do other men do the same things? Do you think this is acceptable behaviour? For women, does it bother you if this is your husband?
You look/are younger because you haven't had kids. Your genes are keeping you well preserved to maximise the time in which to eventually do so and at the same time giving you the instinct to help them out 'from the outside' in the form of the urge to self-maintain and -service more intensively than the average persons.
That's the scientific Nature bit. Now to the suspected Nurture aspect:
It is not natural to persist, in however subtle ways, in making your life partner feel under constant threat of potential replacement. Deep love and commitment trigger the 'software' programme called 'eyes only for her/him' to 'run' and stay running, meaning no-one else appeals (beyond that mere glance you mention). Your husband either received dud software or a dud reconfiguration of such or has a virus in his base programme (called Insecurity). He's trying to make you feel that YOU'RE the only vulnerable party around here, that only YOU could ever be the one to find yourself rejected or abandoned.
If you're constantly under this sense of insecurity yourself, that'll naturally make you cling to him more tightly. Aim...Fire...BULLSEYE!
'Quite' painful? What are you - covered in rhino skin? Tell it like it is... insulting, unnerving, makes you feel BETRAYED and DISILLUSIONED and DISRESPECTED and-and-and-and-and...!
You're obviously too self-confident for him where he can't handle it. Confidence in a woman is a rare commodity which is VEEEEEEEEEEEEERY attractive to males who are open/available and/or on the prowl. But a face looking understandably like a wet weekend or over-vigilant meerkat is not. Nor can you catch the eye of a woman that's constantly, worriedly, on her husband and whatever immoral target he's set his secret-agenda-serving sights on. You'd say to her (you), 'Can I buy you a drink' and she'd be too away with the negative fairies to even hear you. At best, you'd get her turning to glance at you and saying, 'What? Er... sorry, WHAT?' before immediately looking back to the offending scene again.
GET IT? THIS IS HIS SILLY AND FACE-SAVING WAY OF KEEPING OTHER MALES FROM TARGETTING YOU.
No, it's not acceptable. It's downright cruel. He needs to be made to see or reminded of that. It's him trying to hide the fact HE'S the one who constantly worries he'll be usurped and abandoned. But he doesn't want to confide honestly in you so he puts on this silly little production any time you're out in the vicinity of other males. He thinks you're too good for him and know it or DON'T know it, yet, if ever you did, might go and experience a surge in boldness and a change of mind in why you're settling for an under-par specimen like him (- his perception) when you could have any other man out of the *superior* sector out there.
If this were my husband, no, it wouldn't bother me BECAUSE I'D HAVE LEFT HIM BY NOW, meaning it COULDN'T (...assuming I'd already tried to no avail to tackle it). He wouldn't do that, though. He knows he could just TELL me whenever he felt insecure or neglected or whatever - which he always has 'whenever' - and that I'd either help him reach or appreciate why he should have a better opinion of himself or, if his insecurity were down to something *I* was inadvertently and/or insensitively doing/not doing, I'd correct my behaviour at once. He trusts me, in other words. Because he dared to from the start and saw it pay nothing but rewards and dividends. And same for me with him.
Your bloke doesn't trust you to that degree. Is that anything to do with you or all to do with a handicap of his? And if it's the latter, is that a reactive handicap (bad past experience(s)) or an ingrained one (taught during childhood)?
However, have you ever TOLD him it's upsetting and unacceptable and that he has to stop if he wants you and he to last?
The bottom line is that he doesn't respect you. If he respected you, he wouldn't do this. If he doesn't respect you, it's impossible for him to love you. Think about it. You can't be in love with someone that you don't respect. I've been in this situation and I lived in denial for 15 years. I eventually saw the light and left his dumb ass. I just regret that I was such a fool and wasted 15 years of my precious life on a piece of crap. I found a man who loves me, and I can tell you that when a man truly loves you, there is no question about it. You are his world, you are his princess, he will do anything in the world just to see you smile. This man that you describe is not it! Leave him. Move on. Find a real man!!!!
Leave him while you are still young enough to have children. Unfortunately I waited too long. I found my soul mate, but it was too late to have children. Don't make the same mistake. And even if it's too late for children, you still won't regret it. Finding true love is the most amazing thing in the world!! And you can't find it if you waste your precious life with a loser!!
"I found a man who loves me, and I can tell you that when a man truly loves you, there is no question about it. You are his world, you are his princess, he will do anything in the world just to see you smile. / Finding true love is the most amazing thing in the world!!"
Snap, X247! Gimmie a "finally found my true soulmate" High Five!
You've failed to respond over whether you've tried to address this problem face-to-face with your husband so... I'll leave you with this:
Whenever there's an habitual bugbear like this, and when all proper attempts to get it fixed (never too many, never too few) have already been made yet have failed, I always say you've got to stand back and examine the entire relationship OVERALL to estimate what I call the 'Dark-to-Light' ratio. To my mind, it's the decider.
Obviously 50 dark:50 light leaves you constantly ambivalent thus uncommitted, playing the psychological version of The Hokey Cokey (leg in, then out, then in again...). 40:60 is just OKAY. 30:70 is GOOD. 20:80 is GREAT. Anything higher and you're laughing, obviously a match made in Heaven. But if you're on the other end of the scale, less than 60:40 - and you've indeed already tried , WITH THEIR WILLING HELP, within the bounds of what is reasonable to fix/improve the relationship to no avail - forget it. It shouldn't have to BE such hard work, not THAT hard, nor suck the joy and life out of you (whether that be in steady little drip-drips over the years or one great bucketful in the face).
If it's not the majority of the time emotionally and sexually fulfilling, joyous, life- and self-enhancing, -affirming, -validating and vindicating, inspiring, empowering, energising, spiritual-feeling, etc. (and I could go on all day), then either you or he or the pair of you are doing it wrong or are with the wrong partner (or whatever degree of both).
IMO, you should be able to relate to this song only in terms of how you once *used* to feel because that was *before* you found him/her, your Higher Love:
Oh... my reply few days ago has not published. Anyway, Thank you for your inputs. I would like to believe my husband is attracted to women sexually. He seems enjoying the attention or admiration from other women. We had talked about this many times whenever it got too much for me. I don't think he wants to tell me the truth and I still don't know the reasons behind. He has done this all his life in his past relationships and marriage. He's has never cheated. We had a talk again. This will be a make or break this time. We both would like to make it work. The telling time will be our next holiday.
X247, would you like to share about your story?
This will be a make or break, eh? Then it obviously has been dragging on for too long not to affect you any more and not stopped of its own accord like perhaps you thought/hoped it would. Fairenoughski. That just makes you human. And fingers crossed for your pending holiday!
He surely - SURELY must realise by now that it had to factor in the downfall of all of his prior relationships? He needs to therefore realise that although it seems like fun in the moment, it's ruining his life. Or - tell it like it is - he is ruining his own life. Or - tell it like it is on a deeper level - HIS EGO is ruining his life. He is a self-saboteur.
Now, finally, he has to decide whether he wishes to save his own life by making the effort to haul himself up and over that cliff-edge or stamp on his own edge-clinging fingertips [LOL, ignore that illogical visual] and fall to the rocks below.
Will you come back and tell us how it went?
PS: Yes, I'd love it as well if X247 would start a thread about her whole path's journey from tw*t to prince, and was going to suggest it myself. Not least because then I wouldn't be the only one around here banging on like some over-zealous Jehovas Witness about how there absolutely is a diamond for anyone who has worked hard on their self to be label-able as such (or their idea or version of a diamond, anyway) and has the patience and self-faith never to settle for anything less.
How's about it, X247?
I definitely will come back to make an update. It won't be too soon though.
Whenever you're ready! Just pick up this same thread via the search function.
Best of luck with it, then.
Let's see if your latest talk did the trick and how well he can learn.