Running out of time, please help
I really need help. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years and we love each other dearly. However the problem comes from our different religions and our parents disapproval to this. They do not know however being 24 I am now the right age to get married and so they have started to look for potential "suitors". It is all becoming all to real now and I am scared. In an ideal word I would love to sit them down and talk to them about this but im scared they will loose it, get verbally abusive (and this can get very intense and scary) to getting physical. I don't want to run away or leave, I want this to be done with consent. I feel like I only a few more months before their search for a boy for me gets very realistic. This prospectus is scaring me, its going to kill me to say it but part of me is thinking whether I should leave my bf for the piece - but I cant do that, I love him and it will hit him hard. Im so lost and very scared at the moment. Can anyone recommend or help in any way?
You could end the relationship with your boyfriend whom you love and he loves you, yes your family would be happy. But you would be miserable. I'm sure you would be thinking of him everyday, wondering what he was doing, who was he with etc. And even if you married a potential 'suitor' that your parents choose for you, how could you focus on building a solid marriage when you don't love him or even know him.
I know it must be difficult with certain cultures not having a say in your future. But you can't accept guilt just because they are not happy with him and leave him just for their peace. It is they who have the problem and issues not you.
Have your family met your bf? have they talked to him? Do they know that he loves their daughter very much? What do his parents think? Is it possible to get all parents together? what if you agreed to get married in both churches? wherever both religions marry.
So maybe try organise a family talk and if you are not getting anywhere try get some family members on your side (aunts/uncles/siblings even close friends ) and try again and hopefully they will begin to see that you are happy with the boy that you chose.
Best of luck
Thank you for your reply Wintersun and Soulmate. Really appreciate it.
Wintersun, you hit the nail on the head with pointing out it will never make me happy to leave my boyfriend and if I do get married at a "suitor" building even a relationship let alone being happy, not to mention making them unhappy too.
My family don't know we are together, or know of him. I suppose what is concerning me is my family might be violent or verbally abusive to him and/or him. His family, it seems will not agree either. Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
LOL, I didn't do anything, just read it, agreed and said so. Wintersun did all the work. But I will input this:
Bar religious persuasion, could your boyfriend possibly in any way, shape or form fit the 'profile' your dad has in mind (or even go one better), whether your dad presently knew or not what such a clincher might be?
What is your dad's achilles heel in terms of what you could appeal to and point out as your bf (and his family) possessing or having the potential to attain, i.e. what trumps religion: Elevating the family's status? Wealth? Wanting a solid and stable, hard-working husband for you and/or one that would supply him lots of grandkids (and especially males to carry on the family name)? Someone who wouldn't take you anywhere outside of the family's access geographically because they want to be able to rely on you in their old age? Whomever's picked just having been all HIS OWN idea to satisfy his pride and cultural expectations? A mixture of any of those?
Or, to simplify matters, what aside from religion do you know or imagine would/could be your family's PROBLEM(S) with him and same for his family with you and what do you believe would serve to make both sets of parents feel very well COMPENSATED for the missing religion-in-common?
Everybody has a price, you know. EVERYBODY. Sometimes, they're not even aware they do or what it is. Until it wafts under their nose. You need to sit and think and identify what it is.
Would EITHER of the pair of you be prepared to show you would at least consider switching religions (and is that possible?), even if one of you were simply willing to pretend that was the case? If so, would you both be prepared just to say so to each of your families regarding the other?
If anything about bf and his family could persuade your dad to think again, AND you told it like that entire time it had been BOYFRIEND who'd been the one trying to urge you to agree to you both coming clean but you'd stopped him (selling him as responsible despite persuade-able by you as an exception to the rule only out of his loving you so much) and pointed out his attractive prospects as well as his good sides, etc. (with boyfriend meanwhile executing the exact same campaign from his end), then that could possibly be enough to create a chink in the armour to start working your way through?
But what do you mean by physically abusive and violently abusive (towards either of you)?
Girl. One you are 24 years old. Your parents will always want to be parents. but at the end of the day it is your life and if you found someone to love you and you love him..thats special. It doesnt come around often. And thats what is scaring you. realizing that your life is now coming together and you are happy to have found someone to do such with, but you have people holding you back. You respect them and thats wonderful. Instead of sitting them down together take them one and one. start slowly with a warning. Like "Mom i want to talk to you about something and did so without dad bc its a touchy subject and i want your total attention>>>" its either acceptance or nothing. This is your life. they need to trust that you raised them well. We live in a world with so many people being with out God. Our freaking Government has succeeded in taking it away. At least you have a man that believes in something higher than this sad sad sad place called Earth. They need to be happy for you being happy. Marry that man and if they dont want him & you together...then throw the grandbabies up! lol PLAYING WITH FIRE, but might help! Hope everything goes exactly how you want it to. but the talk has to happen...soooner..or..later. Just be the one to take charge. DO IT! You will be ok!