Be sixteen year old me 3 weeks after a break up of this girl I really dislike after dating her for one and a half years. I am close friends with another girl whom I really like. She's been through a lot and I care about her and she took time out of her day to help me get through the terrible break up. She comforted me, made me feel happy. I suggested we should be friends with benefits to help me forget about the break up and move on. Me and her have the same mutual friends that we hang out with a lot and we kept it secret. This started May 5th this year. As time went on I grew to want a relationship with her. All the feelings were there, we cared about each other, we wanted to make each other happy. I said why not?
I got attached to her. She warned me but I didn't listen because of how fucking GREAT we were together. She's given me the best times of my life (Not just sex) She's made me feel a new feeling of love and warmth and care that I've never felt. We spent so much time together in the last 2 months and we've been through a lot. She started telling me that it wouldn't last so enjoy the time we had. She makes me happy and it felt like we were dating when I slept over her house with nobody there. We made food together and talked and played video games and I touched her butt and we cuddled and the look in her eyes was beautiful. I didn't really understand what she meant when she said enjoy the time we have because it was so perfect I was starstruck by her. I fell in love with her. She knew it too and she didn't stop me She didn't find a problem with it but she just worried because she couldn't say it back. She told me she would love me eventually and that all she wants is for me to be happy. She told me she couldn't love me as long as she likes somebody else (This somebody else being my best friend).
It was obvious her and him could never be together because he had a girlfriend and she forbid it yet the feelings are still there for him even though she wants them out. Her belief was she can't love one person and like the other at the same time which is a good belief. Bare in mind she and him are very close friends as well and they're very similar people. She has had a terrible life and she finally found somebody else who knows how she feels. That's the purpose of my best friend anyways. She told me a week ago that she needed a break to situate her feelings for everything, including me. My hope is she can eventually get over him and love me because she's the definition of perfection. The time we spent together we both didn't want to end, she told me that. I think she's stressed because did I mention all of this is secret? I just need some ideas of what to do along with waiting. I don't want to lose her and I still want to grasp the hope that we can be together soon. Right now I've been not talking to her outside of hanging with her and my friends.
She told my out of town friend that I vent my feelings to (not my best friend) "Like my feelings for him were conflicted between him and another guy. At first me and his relationship was just supposed to be fwb cuz he just broke up with his ex. We have a contract LOL ask him for it. But then he got attached... And I didn't. And I was telling him all along this won't last, and I never got over that previous guy I liked. So I finally just cut the chord chz I was sick of sneaking around in a secret relationship and I realized I'd never fall in love with him"
From what she told me there's still hope. She thinks I'm a great guy and I don't deserve her and I don't know if she just says that to make me feel better or she means it but either way I still love her. I can't let go of something that close to perfect. She didn't even love me back yet the love was so strong for her that I felt happy. I just have to wait and wish now... Any suggestions will be appreciated. Sorry for anything that doesn't make sense I spent time removing and adding different things in places.
You dated a girl you really disliked for 1.5 years? Or are you saying you dislike her ever since you got to see her truer colours during the break-up?
Be honest: did it HELP, the fact that this FWB partner WASN'T that whole time the one pushing for a relationship?
"(This somebody else being my best friend)."
Are you and your best friend regularly in friendly but firm competition with each other? Did this play a part, too, in your determination not to see the writing in the wall?...because then you could prove yourself better at X than he is?
Well, anyway, there's nothing you CAN do if she's that determined, other than chip away at her resistance and defensiveness through a slow, subtle but steady campaign of irresistible wooing, hotting her up. But why risk wasting that incredible amount of time when you'd have an easier time of it with "someone like her" (to quote Adele) whom at least only had to be heated from a starting place of Neutral rather than Freezing as well as needing to be prized from another rock, and whom (given that this Not-Quite is so near the perfection-for-you mark) would be an automatic UPGRADE to her?
Do you LIKE much bigger than normal challenges? And have you attracted a Like in that respect, i.e. a girl who not only prefers to do the wooing (like she thinks she wears the trousers) but likewise finds the extra-extra-hard-to-get challenge more appealing? If that's the case then you have to make yourself the one that's trying HARDER than him to get away. And then YOU become the challenge.
Being hooked on challenge and success isn't love, though. (Plus 2 months isn't NEARLY enough time for love to take; this is infatuation.) When you're both ready for love, the challenge and excitement is provided by exploring and experiencing what develops next and the wonderment of the changes in you both individually and as a couple that bonding deeper and deeper brings, plus achieving and bringing to fruition joint dreams and goals together as a team. You don't need spice from outside. But then, you're only 16 so, for the time being, it'll do.
However, if you stand back you'll see clearly what I see, which is - she wants what she can't have (best friend) whilst you want what you can't have (her). So in reality, if you picture the scene, you're second in the queue behind her that leads to HIM, like he's the Big I Am attraction. And yet he, apparently, isn't even facing either one of you. Trust me, if he were in competition with YOU, he'd have re-bagged her already, just to get one-up on you and stop YOU from having her.
You're infatuated with her additionally because this is the first girl to have unlocked what's in that big heart of yours to the point where you can feel its 'power' of sensation and the turbo charge it gives. And yet you're seemingly either not psychologically ready or not brave enough to put that capacity of feeling to proper use. It's like you have the energy and motivation to win a marathon but instead are wasting it on a mere treadmill. Why don't you want to end up with an actual TROPHY AND PRIZEMONEY? It needn't be a whole tournament, it could just be the one, long race that has a beginning, middle and definite end. But that beats pratting around on a treadmill doesn't it in terms of practise befitting an eventual pro?
You're making the common early mistake of thinking that only this one girl has the key to unlock that amount and power of feelings and urges in you hence kidding yourself that she's the only key in the world as fits your lock. Wronggggggg. What you feel right now for her is just the tip of the iceberg! Go get yourself the more real deal and, you'll see. It'll make THIS relationship look positively puny as will leave you wondering why you ever thought it was "all that".
Seriously - take how you're feeling now and imagine it TWICE OR THRICE as big and deep! Food for thought, huh!
Sorry - forgot to add...
Also making things harder for you is the fact that she seemed to have the power to 'cure' you of your woes, when what was really happening (if you ignore the bad bit at the end of the break-up) was that you effectively stayed in the relationship you'd been in whilst someone else (with a clean slate) plonked herself into the ex-girlfriend's position (but turned the rain off and the sun on). And same for this girl.
This grief you're feeling is actually over your ex and/or ex-relationship, which should teach you that you CAN'T just ignore and side-step the grieving process because, the minute the meaty 'distraction' vacates again - BAM!, back it comes, insisting on being completed.
Complete it head-on, you should. You'll then find yourself feeling less for FWB, but in record time.
Thank you so much for your reply I see a new light on this. Right now I can't do anything but hope to back with her though(I think this will change soon but I cannot control my emotion now). I spent 3 hours last night writing notes to her and marking down dates and times of when she said something that gave me hope of being back with her. I'm going to wait until the right time to show her them. We have shared emotions on numerous occasions and we're comfortable talking about each others feelings. I know it might be impossible but I still want to try. It has little to do with my best friend it's just the fact that she's on him when it's hopeless between both of them. She's told me that's the reason we can't have a relationship, because of my best friend. Recently she's been distant from talking closely to me and she talks with him more. I'm going to try what you say and remove myself from her. She hasn't given me any definite answers on how she thinks of me because she ignores the questions when they come. I would much rather say "There's no hope of us being together, I don't like you that way" then just guessing and guessing and hoping my answer is right. I'm not so good with telling feelings like her. Once again thanks so much for the reply, I'm still reading it and rereading it.
I suspect what you're ACTUALLY doing with those notes is getting her out of your head and onto paper (which is you now putting HER on semi-hold). Good instinct!
"I know it might be impossible but I still want to try."
LOL. I rest my case.
You can understand, however, what she means when she says she can't have (full) eyes for anyone else, because you're in the exact same boat...If some knock-out gal 'walked into your room' you probably wouldn't really pay that much attention and even if you did, would find it just wouldn't happen, spark-wise. However, you wouldn't string that person along, unlike her. But then, she can't string you along unless you LET her, can she.
BTW, you realise you don't even need to pull in another woman to achieve that new, hard-to-get air? You could suddenly become heavily into skateboarding, for example, and start spending all your time with the skatepark crowd. All that's important is she suddenly feels your absence and attention and interest. Make like you're invisible, but be quick about it seeing as she's only just recently started to turn her attentions more back to this friend of yours. Also, it's more insulting to her ego if even a mere HOBBY is more alluring and captivating than "gorgeous her" than would it were it another woman.
The reason she's not giving you answers is because although on the one hand she wants you to ease off, on the other she wants you to stay accessible 'just in case' her campaign to lure him back fails. It's called, keeping you warm on the side, or, dangling you on a string. Also be warned that if her noticing your puff of dust triggers her into seeming re-interest somehow almost too instantly, don't let it fool or sway you because, that early on all she'll be trying to do is put you straight back into her waiting-room. It's got to happen whilst she's not looking - POOF, you're gone and, now that she stops to think about it, haven't been seen for days! (And do ensure no-one else will placate her intrigue with information.)
Now it's HER turn to be a mushroom (- kept in the dark and fed sh*t, LOL)... whilst you're [nobody shoot me] busy with having transformed into a fungi [groan].
If that doesn't work then there wasn't truly enough there in the first place to work WITH.
Yes! I'll do just that! I play counter strike and hockey to get away from it all. I'll keep doing that! Yes! Thanks for the help. I'm glad I posted this on here. *fades into shadow*
Seriously, though, before I go... I know exactly what her REAL problem is: you're highly fun (you may have only flashed and ankle but I know legs and what ankles go with which legs), bags of energy and testosterone, impressively eloquent and articulate for a 16-year-old, and bloody confident and positive with it. You're made for a humdinger of a heart & trouser affair. And THAT SCARES HER!
She may be your age on paper, but, trust me on this - she's still playing at being a young grown-up, mucking about in the dressing-up-box. She gets to KID herself she's more mature, by seeming to have a love-life. But it's just a pretend one because it involves only her chasing-chasing-chasing or being chased-being chased-being chased - never catching, never being caught.
She knows how to have sex and that's THAT!
You should be with an 18-year-old.
I mean - 14-and-a-half and managing to keep a relationship to a relatively serious level for a good year-and-a-half? When did you smoke your first cigar - aged 4? LOL
You'll be just fine [ruffles LOVESUCK's undoubtedly very thick head-hair].