The abbreviated version.. I have been married for 17 years. We have three kids, 17, 15, & 10. We have always had issues with our marriage. The biggest probably is No Communication. We tend to have big blow outs at least once a year and it is always the same issues. Nothing ever changes. It gets better for a little bit and then goes back to the same way. He is very OCD and has to have things a certain way. So we have a day that I clean and he does the yard, we have a day I grocery shop. There is always something to do. I have lost myself and am unhappy. Is this Normal to lose yourself in a relationship? I have been recently getting an attitude and lashing out at the smallest things. I have told him that I don’t like who I have become and not sure how he can be happy with me either. I acknowledged that I have been lashing out, which he finds embarrassing in public places, because he is always worried about how people perceive him. I have expressed to him that I don’t like who I have become and I know that it is my fault that I have allowed this. I have given him a few examples of like how I feel like I have to ask him for permission to do something with my girlfriends, how I don’t feel like I can be myself, or say things around him without worrying about how he is going to react or take it. Out of those few examples he stuck with the permission issue and felt like I was trying to say I wanted to be single. Is it normal to ask permission to do something from your spouse versus discussing it with them?? I don’t feel like I can buy anything for my home because I feel like he won’t like it anyway so why bother. I am bitter and resentful. Am I just being selfish and this is normal or is there an issue. Now that we have laid this back out there yet again he has not talked to me. And I have done the same. Normally I will try and talk to him but I don’t want things to continue as they have for the past 17 years. It has always been his way and I have always just agreed in order to make him happy, whether it be where we go, what we buy, home renovations. I feel like I don’t even know my own mind anymore. Is this a normal thing in a marriage? He doesn’t want to talk about the issues because we disagree and he feels like because we disagree there is no coming to a compromise. So his way is just don’t deal with it. Someone is going to be the bad guy in this. I just don’t want to make a decision and it be the wrong one. I am not sure if I am just being unreasonable in my needs or if there is something to it. I am hoping to hear some feedback from others that may have gone through something similar. Right now I am at the point where I am resentful, bitter and want out!
You are not being unreasonable at all. Well that's my opinion. But you have lived like this for 17yrs and apart from those yearly blow ups, your life continued back into the same 'rut'
Your husband possibly thought that you were quite happy having 'a shopping day' 'a cleaning day' because did you ever tell him that you weren't?
And I do understand just 'doing' it to keep the peace, but inside your thinking exactly what you think of his OCD!
It would be easy t become bitter and resentful not having a say or your opinion being shot down. Being 'told' what to do what to think. What to buy for YOUR home.
Again HE doesn't want to discuss it because he knows he doesn't want change, he is controlling you and he knows that.
Does he have nights out or days out (golfing or whatever) with his friends? Do you have friends around for dinner? his or yours. If he doesn't like you going out with them can't you invite them to your house? Or does he not like having them visit either? If that's the case tell him you are going out to meet them or they are calling over.
You have to make him see that his actions are making you miserable. He is not seeing that because after a blow up, life reverts back to how it was.
Suggest counselling to him, and if he won't go, YOU go anyway. Just talking it over with someone will help you cope better. Plus if he sees you are very serious about this, he just might start to change his attitude and maybe even agree to counsel. Because if he thinks you do want to leave, and I'm thinking he doesn't like change, then he will have to do something about it.
Best of luck